Your favorite football player ever and mine, the gridiron god who walks among us, Tom Brady, was involved in a car accident on his way to work Thursday morning, but thank the maker he appears to be OK. As the story goes some ASSHOLE in a van (with New Jersey plates...hmm...) ran a red light. Brady proceeded and t-boned the van. The Jaws of Life were used but on the driver of the van. Yeah, they say a man with a van is a man with a plan. WELL WHAT WAS YOUR THURSDAY MORNING PLAN, MR. MAN WITH A VAN? TO TAKE OUT TOM BRADY? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T! HE’S INDESTRUCTIBLE, AND YOU AND YOUR SHITTY DRIVING ARE NOT GONNA TAKE OUT TFB! ESPECIALLY NOT 3 DAYS BEFORE KICKOFF SUNDAY!
You can’t kill me, muthafuckaz! I got a game to win Sunday.
Before even entering into the how or why this happened, might i just ask this; WHY THE HELLL WAS ANYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD AT THE SAME TIME AS TOM BRADY? WHY WERE THE ROADS NOT CLEARED FOR HIM? WHY NO POLICE ESCORT? CLEAR THE ROADS! GET ME SOME BLUE & WHITES! THIS IS TOM F. BRADY GOING TO PRACTICE! LET’S GET OUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER HERE, BPD!!!
Thank you. He’s OK, so we’re coping. And drinking at 9am and there’s no football on. Yet.
NOW, the timing of this seems VERY interesting if you ask me. Many theories are already circulating all over the interweb as the reason this happened, or who could have mysteriously sent or been driving this Jersey van. Could it have been...
**Just some idiot trying to get to work and he ran a red, ignoring the glow of brilliance coming from the car perpendicular to him at the intersection?
**Something sent by an opponent, say Marvin Lewis or Ochocinco, to prevent Brady from being 100% and opening up the full Patriots artillery this coming Sunday? (doubtful) Maybe it was sent by Rex Ryan as a preemptive strike in anticipation of their Week 2 match-up and a dogfight of an AFC East? (highly unlikely) Could it have been driven by a desperate fan of an AFC East rival, say, as many Facebookers suggested, a Bills fan? They haven’t much to live/root for,right? (Hmm...maybe)
**OR, could it have been sent by none other than Robert Kraft himself, or maybe his right hand man, son Jonathan, as a “message” to Tom Brady and his agents over their contractual demands? He is supposed to be a notoriously tough negotiator. Not accusing, just saying, Patspeoples...he does look the part of the unassuming gangster.
So, there’s NO way we can get you to back off those contractual demands? OK, well, we’ll see. I’d be careful on my commutes to work this week. Ya’ know, accidents can happen.”
Most important of all The Brades is OK. He’s on his way to practice. Looks like he’ll play Sunday. Football, and life, move on. Nothing to see here, people. Keep it moving. Nothing to see AND LET’S GO PATS!!!
Good thing he’s OK. If he wasn’t they wouldn’t have to worry about what to do with the driver of that van. I’d make sure he was well taken care of.
The latest t-shirt available in the Townie News MERCH store...
So beautiful.
So majestic.
So powerful.
SO BRADY.
You know you want one.
Available now for the oh-so-very-ironic introductory price of just $12 (plus $3 S/H).
It, like TFB himself, is almost too awesome to look at. But you know you can’t take your eyes off it/him. We understand. We feel the same way. So what are you waiting for? Go get one, or five. The whole family would look wonderful in them. Like winners.
The good folks over at The Fanpool have launched a kickass pro football pick ‘em site, and they asked yours truly to try and rally some of you drunks, nitwits, goons, boobs and all-stars to sign up and play this season. Now, you probably already have your two fantasy teams, so the last thing you need to do is join a pick ‘em league with nothing on the line and occupy more of your precious football time.
Which is why we’re giving the winner $100 of each week $100. You read right. A cool hundy. A hundo. A Benjamin. 10,000 pennies. We’re good for it.
All you need to do is go to Fanpool.com. Click on “Free Registration” (top of the page). Create a “Game Name” (basically your user ID), and a personal password. Once that bit of rocket science is done, then join my league - TownieNews. The password is, as it should be, gronk87 (case sensitive for you ALL CAPS FANS). And there you have it. Make your picks against the spread every week. Whoever makes the best picks and scores the most points will be contacted and have 100 bones/clams/semolians sent their way. A little something, you know, for the effort. And yes, I will send out a reminder email each week, kicking you in the dick to make sure to get your picks in before that week’s games kick off, m’kay?
So again, all you need to do is pick which teams you think will win, against the spread, every...
...in the great game of...
...and whoever does the best each week will win...
Couldn’t ask for a better blessing than Shaughnessy cutting some bowl rope on top of “Pocket Money”. It’s the kiss for good luck any New England Sports Nitwit like myself would want. It’s almost become an annual tradition; we make the show, CHB sees the promo 976,000 times, steams out on it in one of his little “Kibbles ‘n Bits” columns, therefore giving it the “If Shaughnessy Hates It Then It Can’t Be That Bad” Seal of Approval. WIN! Thanks, Dan..and GFY!
Also of interest...
People are giving TFB a hard time because his hair this season is a little Justin Beiberiffic. Well, at least HE DIDN’T GO SEE THE BEIBS IN CONCERT! Unlike a rival AFC East QB... I don’t care if the Jets win 700-3 against the Pats, at least Brades didn’t see The Beibs.
That Boob Apron video that debuted here on Townie News last week went banonkers (bananas + bonkers), and has gotten over 1.1 million views on the YuTube. Nice work, peoples.
And be on the lookout for the most kickass t-shirt we’ve produced to date, maybe the most kickass TFB and Patriots shirt ever, dropping here on Townie News for a special introductory price of only $12, sometime in the next day or two. Hmm...why would it be a special price of $12? I wonder what could have inspired that...
Dear Viewers, Fans, Friends, Enemies, Assclowns and Other Sportsfans,
These days it’s all about transparency in America, right? After Season 1 of “Pocket Money” you watched and then you made your peace. You spoke your words. You shared your opinions. And that’s why NESN brought me, the only guy who can look like more of a boob than the contestants who whiff on the first question, back, and with more money (but don’t worry, the Nitwit Factor is set to 11 this season.) And we’re back JUST in time for the Red Sox to pretty much be out of it. HOORAY!
So make sure to tune in this Friday, September 3rd for the Season 2 premiere of “Pocket Money” on NESN. We’re on Fridays @ 5pm, part of the NESN “Made in New England” block of programming (sandwiched between “Shining City” and “After The Game”, John Henry’s wife’s “Cribs” of New England sportspeoples), and then again after the Sox game and NESN Daily...somewhere around midnight. What’s the deal with air times in Rocktober? You got me. In the meanwhile, here’s a show open from Season 1 that I think worked out pretty well, one that we got naturally with no “TV tinkering”, believe it or not.
And I know some of you freaks out there who check in on the Townie from time to time are not necessarily Boston/New England sports fans, but can rally behind our cause of being ballbusters and dicks to our mutual sorts enemies. And occasionally you like to pick up a little non-league sanctioned merch to express yourself. One spot I’d like to recommend is PhillyPhaithful.com. You don’t have to be from Philthy to appreciate the merch and sportswear they make (they made that awesome Plaxico shirt I blogged about a while back). Here’s a new fave of mine, which I definitely believe I’ll be sportin’ on Celtics off-nights in the coming 2010-11 season.
Following the nice lil’ shitstorm we whipped up with our Hard Cocks: Episode 1 review, here’s a well-overdue double-episode reviewtacular. Enjoy. Let’s go Pats. And GFY.
And remember folks, this is all, much like the idea of the Jets going to the Super Bowl, a joke.
Boston sports fans and drunks of the world unite, for it is THE GFY KOOZIE (in glorious Pats colors and font, no less). Available now in the Townie News merch section. $2 a pop, plus $1 S/H. Here’s the bonus - for every 5 you buy you get 1 free. So buy 5 (pay $15), we’ll send 6. Buy 10, we’ll send 12. Plus a GFY sticker. You’re a smart drunk. You get it.
GFY to go. How could it get any better than this (aside from standing outside SB 45, waiting to go in and watch the Pats shoot for ring #4, GFY koozie in hand)?
Each week I’ll be twittering my way through the latest episode of “Hard Knocks with the New York Jets” (@fitzygfy), then providing a detailed, “totally unbiased” review of the episode. Because really, who better to provide commentary and fair-minded insight on the bold, brash and blustery Jets than a mouthy half-drunk New England patriots supahfan, right?
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