If you’re a fan of listening to or watching shit getting destroyed then you’ll go batty for Toucher & Rich’s “GRONK That TV!” This really might be the best new TV show out there.
Kudos, gentlemen. What a way to give away tickets. But hey...I thought “Wheel Of Fish” from the Weird Al classic “UHF” was high art and great entertainment, so what do I know right?
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a reasonably big, well-covered, over-hyped football game being played in Denver tomorrow. Yes, THE TEBOWL is at hand. And there’s only been a weeee bit of coverage surrounding it. Many websites have done their enjoyable Tebowmania round-ups.
Saw this on Pats Propaganda; some intrepid artiste at Macleod Cartoons made this beauty, which might be the most honest piece f fan art / humor related to Tebowtime all week.
How I’ve gone as long as I have without seeing the genius of SAD TOM BRADY is beyond me (props to @eganmike for turning me on to it). This pic is perfect for this weekend’s affairs.
So much has been made of “Tebowing” that Pats fans have felt the need to craft a response...and it’s fahkin’ awesome; GRONKING. Where instead of genuflecting on a knee in prayer you pose as if you’re about to GRONK-SMASH a football spike. Toucher & Rich had people submit “Gronking” photos, and a lot of them are tremendous. My personal favorite it this (faux baby violence always kills):
Then my buddy (and “Pocket Money” editor) Scott Fisher submitted this; apparently his buddies took GRONKING next level, with someone prepped to GRONK right on top of a TEBOW. These are the kinda people I wanna buy beers for, be friends with (no homo) and am glad In can call fellow Patspeople.
For lest we forget: GRONKING > TEBOWING
Speaking on New England’s new favoritest sports icon...local cartoonist Chip O’Reilly (great name, right?) dropped this little “carnival Gronk portrait” on my virtual doorstep...
Then this dude named “Sheep Guy” (don’t ask) whipped this little dandy up. Which gets me thinking that taking acid while drinking beer and watching highlights of the Pats while at a computer with photoshop might not be such a bad thing...
Hey, I dunno if you guys heard or not, but I think there’s a game of interest between the Pats and the uh, umm...wait...oh yeah, the Broncos this Sunday. Some guy is their QB, keeps winning games in the last coupla minutes, real holy ghost powered Hail Mary kinda stuff.
Good lord (Oops! Sorry Tebow...), I almost wanna thank TFB and Billy O for having their little man-fight on the sidelines Sunday just so the Tebowmania didn’t kick into full blown media madness come Monday morning. At least there was something else to talk about / make a bigger deal about than need be, for like a day or so. And BTW - if you haven’t re-watched their post-INT dust-up then I highly recommend giving this Deadspin link a click. I always love seeing TFB get fired up, but in this case to see him misplace the blame for an atrocious pick on House Party & the WR’s coach, only to then have his OC go shithouse on him? Loved it. Ol’ Tommy Boy was projecting there. Shoulda been mad at himself. Took it out on others (you know, kinda like mom & dad always do at the house). And O’Brien defended his guys and wanted nothing to do with Brady’s histrionics. Kinda cool to see some in-fighting, so non-Patriot Way ways. Shit, considering what they do and what they go through they need to hit the RELEASE button on the steam valve from time to time. PLUS, you can’t just let Brady, who IS the team, always think he IS the team. Other guys care, and they’ll fight and bite back. I liked it. And that O’rien got a call from his mom saying to watch his language? PERFECT! It’s great theater...and it takes some attention off the defense and their, umm, “entertaining performance” as well.”
NO SHIT!
In other Patriots type newsings and musings...this GRONK fellow, he seems pretty good. (even the NFL Network is calling him “Super Gronk” now). 15 TDs so far? He could set the 2-season record for most TDs by a receiver. He has 25 through his first 29 games. ‘Tis not a man. ‘Tis a touchdown-making machine!
As for the game this Sunday...well, here’s one way to look at it; by and large it seems America, or at least American football fans chock ful of envy, love to hate on the Patriots. And now, Tim Tebow is becoming the great American sports story (that can’t complete a 15-yard out). He’s the American idol/idyll/ideal. People are swept up in Tebowmania. So you’ll have a lot of people who already love to root against Pretty Boy & the Pats, and are fascinated with Tebow Time, rallying their troops against us. On the other side, cynics LOVE to root against Tebow, and for a number of reasons. I don’t hate on him. I marvel at how everyone chokes in the end and he does JUST enough to win. After playing like holy horseshit for the first 50 to 55 minutes. Like it’s all been pre-destined, and he’s a Chosen One. Hmm..ANYWAY...cynics love to root against him. Therefore making us the default team. And the Raiders and Chargers fans will be forced to rot for us too, for obvious playoff implications. SO, to summate, Sunday it’ll be:
America & Broncos Fans & Tebow maniacs - For Denver
Cynics & Pats/Raiders/Chargers - For New England
FWIFW (for what it’s fahkin’ worth) - The always entertaining Jerry Thornton, the only really readable writer type at Barstool, has a nice take on Brady versus Tebow. I know who my gods are, and I have to say I love being the underdog. Wait! Isn’t Tebow the underdog. Is he NOT the NFL’s David, armed only with a mechanically-poor slingshot, going up against the Goliath that is the doubting NFL, lead by its poster child, Tom Fahkin’ Brady? Christ on a cracker, this is great stuff. Sorry, NBC, you should seen this coming and flexed the shit out of this game.
Last coupla somethings or whatevers...
You people are buying up THE GRONK like people shop for bread, water & booze before a hurricane. I LOVE IT! Make sure to get your orders in ASAMFP so we can get ‘em out for Christmas, Hannukah, your parties, Yankee swaps and such. If we had shelves we couldn’t keep this shirt on them. But we don’t! We have a pile of boxes in a room...and they keep going empty because you guys buy all THE GRONK shirts. Nice work. And here’s anther satisfied customer...with a real Annie Lebowitz touch on the self-portrait.
And finally, I’m off to the lab to do a re-dub video. Then get rolling on a webcast (like I can let a goldmine like Brady vs. Tebow go by without having 3-5 minutes of inapropriateness to say?). In the interim, enjoy this kick-ass video made by my buddy Erik. If you’re a fan of rap ("that rap music” --your mom), the show “Boardwalk Empire”, or satire, then I think it’ll be real easy for you to get behind “Boardwalk Empire State Of Mind”.
And if you didn’t like that I’ll give you 2 options...
So, here we are, in the butthole of the week, the old humpday...a few days removed from a less than thrilling Pats win over a depleted Dolts squad...a few days from the Patriots invading our nation’s capital (which is a wonderfully ironic spin on the War of 1812...NERD ALERT!!!)...Belichick hasn’t cut any players this week, YET (he really does manage his roster like an 80’s action movie villain kills his own henchmen just to prove to his other lackies that anyone is disposable and no one is better than the boss)...we got no significant moves made to date by the Sawx at the winter meetings...holiday parties at hand, but no major benders or “make out with a co-worker and puke in a cab” festivals yet...thus what to post about? Well, here’s a coupla things I thought might help kill time on a rainy complainy hungover Humpday.
Our pal PatsPropaganda brings his usual array of fan-centric abject Pats love on a daily basis, but today he dug up a gem; Pats / Redskins highlights from 1996. I’m with him; I might wanna see Brady to Welker in these throwback uniforms, too.
Also, I know many of you have bought shirts from us of late, particularly THE GRONK (cripes, does New England fall in love fast with a talented white athlete or what? Something about that guy...), which we can’t even seem to keep in stock. But if you’ve bought from us, have the whole Townie shirt collection, might I recommend Pats Propaganda’s 1st shirt...
It’s pretty sweet, got one myself last week. DO YOUR JOB and buy a DO YOUR JOB shirt today (pretty sweet stocking stuffer, if I may say...and I fahkin’ did).
On the subject our shirts...keep the pics coming in. We can’t get enough pics of fans in GRONK & BRADY shirts. Of curse, ladypixx always preferred over brotos (bro photos), but hey, we’ll take ‘em! Like this one, submitted by GFY pal Terrell Wartenbe. Just look how pumped this faceless youth is to be GRONKing out!
And while we’re talking pics...we always ALWAYS will take your GFY pics. There is no such thing as “I’ve had enough of your GFY pics in the randomest and awesomest and most inapropriatest of places!” Nope, no such fahkin’ thing. ike this week we have a license plate for the ages (submitted by Brian Worth)...
If there’s ever been a state that needs that license plate it’s Massachusetts. AND Markus Vargo takes a more classic approach to the GFY tribute.
In random pictures I stumbled across news...I finally found my Christmas gift for the Red Sox starting pitchers!
And, I kid you not...I stumbled into a Staples and saw this sign. Interesting what superstar point guards and NBA players did to fill ‘n kill time during the NBA lockout...
Alright, let’s leave you with a laugh...here’s our funnypal Nick Kroll (from the fantasy football show “The League”...he’s an old GFY pal...oh, do you want me to pick up that name I just dropped? What an asshat I am...), telling a phenomenal story on Conan’s show. Of curse I’d like this. Friend + funny x poop in a car = WINNING.
Alright, we’ll “see” you on Bax & O’Brien Thursday morning at 8 in the Gay-M. New videos soon, possibly within the day. Go Pats, GFY, etc...
Fenwayfriends, this is terrible. What’s going n now is more ridiculous than Nate Burleson calling himself “the black Wes Welker” (which is pretty funny, and thunderously inaccurate). This Sawx collapse and bedshitting is beyond absurd. And what’s fahki’ most infuriating about it is for most of this wackyballz season we’d think they’ll pull out of the tailspin and win a few, lock it up and call it a day. No, instead...asshats like Awesome O’Clock himself go out there and give up 8 runs, make a game where the Sox score 11 interesting (until they finally explode on the wings of....Connor Jackson?), then bitch when they get pulled early. Fuck him fifty-six ways from Friday. He’s such a hot buttered turd. Really...I asked on the twittah last night if people would pay even $1 extra er ticket next season just to not have to watch him pitch for the Sawx again. I have never gotten more RT’s and responses in my life. I hear you, folks. I do. And obviously that bloated triangle mouth shitshow doesn’t.
SO...since we can’t do much of anything except watch, root, pray, tweet, post, pray, drink, eat, scream, yell, curse, dance and worry (like most ay day), I thought it best to just throw up as many random things as possible so as to give you, the kinda freaks that would check out a shitacular of a website like mine while watching a game. Maybe these laughs and pieces of absurd absurdities will distract you long enough to not let the pain set in of seeing the Sox shit themselves in the corner while they puke on their shoes in front of a whole baseball-watching country. Well, not as much as it may need to hurt...cuz it will. THUS, let’s fahkin’ get into it...
SPORTSTITTIES! Brought to you by the good people @ Deadspin.
If you haven’t seen the Larry Merchant post-Mayweather thing yet then here you go. If only this Sawx squad had half this old man’s nutz...
And if I can’t get you guys to take your eyes off the Sawx shitapalooza long enough to laugh at this thing: IF CELEBRITIES MOVED TO OKLAHOMA - then our collective gooses are cooked.
Yes, THIS is how hideous the Sox play of late has been.
OK, fine...I’ll even throw in a funny Batman video some buddies made, leaving me with no Losswash material for a while, but hot cheesedicks, we need it now more than ever.
Alright, this is it...my last “Don’t stare at the bomb blast from Yawkey Way” video. I just went Batman. We had afull-on FAIL earlier. Remmyspoke in tongues. If y ace in the hole, kittens with lightsabers, doesn’t cheer you up, then we iz FAHKED.
Last thought...if the Sawx skiddage goes full retahd and they do the unthinkable, do you let the kids watch? Do we subject them to this horrorshow? The Wall Street Journal thinks we should. I think my ass would be insulted to see the front page of that rag, still...that we even have to consider these matters...the WTF meter is way past 11, Mr. McKittrick taking us to DefCON 1 now.
Wow...with a little perspective, ever appreciated the Pats and the TFB show more? Think he’d let this nonsense continue? Exactly.
So, apparently Boston.com wants to get in on the absurdist Boston sports fan/vlogger/idiot routine, something I know a little something about, with this; AN OBNOXIOUS BOSTON FAN.
At first I saw this and thought, “Those pan-seared pricks! They would have somebody come onto their site, mimicking/mocking the Boston sports fans and his woes and ways, thinking they’re producing something edgy and fresh, which in so many many many ways is a direct rip-off of my *shit/schtick, and not ask me to do it?!?” (*it’s one or the other, depending on how you look at it - and for what it’s worth do you like how I think to myself in run-on sentences?) I thought I was going to be offended, or at least feel a little bit dickpunched. But then I read the bloggage some more...watched the video (or as much of it and the spectacular “editing” I could get through) and then realized, “Well, it’s definitely a horrible ripoff of my routine and such...but who gives a flying fiddler’s fuckwhistle? If this is what they think is funny and will help them stand out in the growing market of sports-obsessed Massholery, both made-up and genuine, then go get ‘em fellas.” Because if you’ve been ding-donging around long enough like I have, and seen as much awesome (championships!) and awful (some football game that happened in Arizona in February of 2008!), then you realize that the good shit will rise to the top, or at least land in someone’s email or on someone’s Facebook and not with the subject header, “Holy dick, you have to watch this because it is so bad and so stupid, and I don’t mean in the Rebecca Black or Birdemic way!” I’ve been called plenty of things by plenty of people in my time, but one of them’s not derivative. So I got that going for me...which is nice. At least I know, as far as loving portraits of, rants by, and satires of Boston sports fans, and our ups/downs/successes/failures/stereotypes/rantings/ravings/idiocy go, I’m an original...-ish.
If I’m gonna suck I wanna suck and be this entertaining...we should all aspire to as much.
So, in true John Lackey voice...WHATEVER! It is what it is...and it is crap. But I’ve heard the same before too. So rock on with your bad self. Has this come around 3 years ao I’d have had a bit more of a “How dare you?!?” stance. Now I can’t be bothered. I got videos to make and fans of opposing teams to piss off. So, if you’ll excuse me, it’s back to my preparations for taking my original obnoxiousness down to Miami this weekend to make a shitpile of videos and root on my Patriots and hopefully get labeled “ a cliched stereotype of one of those obnoxious Boston sports fans” in the process. After all I/we have earned it.
Make sure you humps drink the cheap stuff while watching Skanks @ Sawx and give some bucks, OK? Else that kid who used to walk up and down the aisles at the movie theater shaking the change can, asking for donations, is gonna come to your house and annoy you until you give him some coinage, K?
3.) SELF-PROMOTION ALERT: Game 2 of the mid-week Skanks/Sawx series will be on Es-pen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get some New England Sports Nitwittery while you watch? Be sure to follow along with me as I host the evening’s activities on NESN Nation.
4.) For everyone I got emails from, read Facebook postings of and listened to on sports radio the last two days, bitching up a shitstorm about Saturday night, all I gotta say is CALM YOUR FAHKIN JETS! Sure they played like pan-fried dogshit, but they were working some elements. They got whipped in practice. They’ll learn. They were missing 5 starters. Haynesworth the Horrible hasn’t seen the field. Just calm the fahk down, peoples! And no, don’t look for solace in Thursday fake season finale.
5.) Belichick allowed himself to be mic’d for the entire 2009 season for an NFL Films 2-part documentary special Sept 15th and 22nd? Answers to 4th and 2? The playoff dickwhiping at home versus the Ravens? The intimate musings of BB to TFB? Holy fahkin must-see-frickin-TV! Count me and my face and 6-pack in.
and… 6.) This is fahkin’ funny. Let’s hope the Skanks play as well this week as well as these nitwits portray people.
More soon! Go Sawx! GFY everyone else.
(Belichick and Sox/Yanks pic courtesy of the LOLPats/LOLSox peeps)
I’m not usually awake for it but TFB does that Monday morning interviews on WEEI, and he got ‘em going early this season. His first appearance was this week, and in what could have been a very boring pre-season Belichick/Brady mumble-jumble-fest, Brades gave the goods (click on the blue linky-dink to listen, it’s worth it). Admitting that the loss to the Gaddam Jets this January past was probably the toughest of his career, even tougher than the loss in The Game In Arizona That Shall Not Be Named, and that he’ll never get over it. Who would have thought that a Divisional Round loss to the Jets would be his Macho Grande?
Anyway, the fact that TFB says he’s still pissed about this game, and that it haunts him, and that he wants to overcome that, never stopping is his quest to be the best and beat everyone else, makes me admire and love the GQB more than ever before. That is exactly what you want to hear from your leader of men, that the fire burns. That’s he’s as fahkin’ pissed and let down as we were/are, and that the only way he’ll get over it is by beating them and winning more. The man has an insatiable (e-z with the long words there, Fitz!) appetite for victory. Explains why we expect so much of him and BB and the Pats. Because it’s what he expects. Well, I’m all in!
Looking for more printed Pats porn? Check this Chad Finn (favorite Boston sports writer these days of mine, surpassing even Bob Ryan) piece on how stacked the Pats are for now and the future. Good shit again, and as always, Mr. Finn.
Sox are on the double-dip today, then an afternoon delight tomorrow. Need some big wins here...Skanks are right back up our ass again, tied for 1st. 2 mid-day games on a Tuesday and Wednesday? I’d love to play hooky and all...oh who am I kidding? The game is on right now and I’m having a liquid lunch 12 oz at a time...just like this guy.
FACT: Beer always looks beautiful, but gets 59% more delicious looking in a GFY koozie.
Alright, more soon. A shitload of videos coming soon. This I promise. Funny ones at that no less. In the interim, check this out - Batting Stance Guy does more than just imitate people’s batting stances (some PFSO: pretty fahkin’ spot-on impersonations in here).
PS - You going to the Pats’ first game, the big Monday nighter down in Miami on Sept. 12th? Email me () if so. I might be on the way, videos galore, with plenty of pre-game cheers & beers to be had.
Welcome back, Patriots. Daddy missed you so. It’s been since January, a day I’d like to not speak of again, ever if possible, and what promises to be a long, hard-fought, entertaining, and hopefully fruitful fahkin’ football campaign, began last night.
Yeah, yeah...it’s the preseason. Most people don’t bother watching. Few are able to watch all the way through. Even fewer get emotionally involved. Not me...I’m all over that shit. Not as in “C’mon Pats, you gotta win this!” I just like checking all the new guys out (no homo). Hey, maybe that speaks to what kinda addict I am but football was back, even in its pretend form, and I loved it. Ate it up. Every last bite. And there were a few people who impressed me, people I’ll keep my eye on...my good eye, that is.
THE BACK-UPS - Hoyer & Mallett. Sounds like the name of an ambulance chasing law firm on the South Shore, but dare I say we have the best back-ups QB tandem in football. I hope to never see either of these guys in action this fall, except in mop-up duty. I’d even go so far as to say Hoyer could start for about 50% of the teams around the league. And a lot of GMs are probably kicking themselves in the dick after passing on Mallett. Homeboy can throw the rock. Fast. And far.
You see Mallett and the wind whispers “Bled-soe...”(LOLPats pic)
TAYLOR PRICE - Nice to finally see this guy in action. Didn’t really need him last season. Guess someone stayed in shape and read their playbook in their unofficial red shirt freshman year with the Pats. What a freakin’ bonus he would be, adding another receiver with hands, and some speed, to the Ocho/Branch/Welkah patrol.
STEVAN RIDLEY - When the Pats took a 2nd running back in the draft (again, not named Mark Ingram) we all thought “Who the fahk is this guy, and with Law Firm and Woody doing so well last year did we really need 2 more running backs we’ve never heard of?” Well, if they both run like this guy then the answer is helz fahkin’ yeah! Nice debut, pal - good speed, tough at the goal line, and a nose for the endzone. 3 TDs in your first (pretend) NFL action? Sign me up. If Shane Vereen is half as fast as advertised then we might just have us a dangerous running back group..to add to a talented veteran/youthful wide receiver corps...to add to a set of killer tight ends...to add to the greatest QB of all-time...
(pause to let football boner die down a bit)
Suffice it to say there was plenty to enjoy, plenty of potential on display, plenty of work to do, plenty more to come...but football’s back and the Pats are gonna be in BEAST mode all season. I got that feeling. Not just from 1 pretend game, you humps! I just got that feeling. Look how happy I was just watching a freakin’ pre-season game last night!
(pic fromWarming Glow, a good TV blog with funny shit you should check out some time, and then again)
Good to see you again, football. I’ll be seeing a LOT more of you soon. Now everyone enjoy your weekend. Watch some Sox. Recycle your empties. Be good to each other. Go fahk yourself. Etc...
And RIP, lead singer from Warrant, whose tapes were played many a time in my double-decker stereo 2 decades ago. As my buddy KJ said, “It tastes so good it’ll make a grown man die. Sweet Cherry Pie.”
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