Fenwayfriends, this is terrible. What’s going n now is more ridiculous than Nate Burleson calling himself “the black Wes Welker” (which is pretty funny, and thunderously inaccurate). This Sawx collapse and bedshitting is beyond absurd. And what’s fahki’ most infuriating about it is for most of this wackyballz season we’d think they’ll pull out of the tailspin and win a few, lock it up and call it a day. No, instead...asshats like Awesome O’Clock himself go out there and give up 8 runs, make a game where the Sox score 11 interesting (until they finally explode on the wings of....Connor Jackson?), then bitch when they get pulled early. Fuck him fifty-six ways from Friday. He’s such a hot buttered turd. Really...I asked on the twittah last night if people would pay even $1 extra er ticket next season just to not have to watch him pitch for the Sawx again. I have never gotten more RT’s and responses in my life. I hear you, folks. I do. And obviously that bloated triangle mouth shitshow doesn’t.
SO...since we can’t do much of anything except watch, root, pray, tweet, post, pray, drink, eat, scream, yell, curse, dance and worry (like most ay day), I thought it best to just throw up as many random things as possible so as to give you, the kinda freaks that would check out a shitacular of a website like mine while watching a game. Maybe these laughs and pieces of absurd absurdities will distract you long enough to not let the pain set in of seeing the Sox shit themselves in the corner while they puke on their shoes in front of a whole baseball-watching country. Well, not as much as it may need to hurt...cuz it will. THUS, let’s fahkin’ get into it...
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If you haven’t seen the Larry Merchant post-Mayweather thing yet then here you go. If only this Sawx squad had half this old man’s nutz...
And if I can’t get you guys to take your eyes off the Sawx shitapalooza long enough to laugh at this thing: IF CELEBRITIES MOVED TO OKLAHOMA - then our collective gooses are cooked.
Yes, THIS is how hideous the Sox play of late has been.
OK, fine...I’ll even throw in a funny Batman video some buddies made, leaving me with no Losswash material for a while, but hot cheesedicks, we need it now more than ever.
Alright, this is it...my last “Don’t stare at the bomb blast from Yawkey Way” video. I just went Batman. We had afull-on FAIL earlier. Remmyspoke in tongues. If y ace in the hole, kittens with lightsabers, doesn’t cheer you up, then we iz FAHKED.
Last thought...if the Sawx skiddage goes full retahd and they do the unthinkable, do you let the kids watch? Do we subject them to this horrorshow? The Wall Street Journal thinks we should. I think my ass would be insulted to see the front page of that rag, still...that we even have to consider these matters...the WTF meter is way past 11, Mr. McKittrick taking us to DefCON 1 now.
Wow...with a little perspective, ever appreciated the Pats and the TFB show more? Think he’d let this nonsense continue? Exactly.
I hate being right, or getting that feeling, the nagging feeling that if something doesn’t go right for your team at a certain point then you’re up Shit’s Creek, no paddle. Even if you’re winning at the time. Kinda like when you’re watching the Pats, and they get a turnover and somehow are not able to capitalize off it. You get that “I think I just ate rancid peanuts” feeling in your gut that tells you the tides are gonna turn or momentum is gonna shift for the worse (see: Crumpler’s drop versus Jets in playoffs, January 2011). Well, I got that “Crumpler’s Drop” feeling last night in the bottom of the 5th when after Gonzo’s whiff (terrible name for a cologne) with the bases loaded to end the inning. The Sawx had the Skanks against the ropes. Fartolo was gone, the sacks were juiced, the crowd was pumped, and the Sox needed to apply the chokehold. The crowd was calling for the submission. We wanted the Million Dollar Dream! The People’s Elbow! The DDT! Even the Shake, Rattle and Roll would have done fine by us!
But instead Gonzo, who is hitting OK but not the same DefCon 1 threat in the lineup post-ASG (I’m telling you, doesn’t look as dangerous of late, just my fahkin’ opinion), struck out to Boone Logan, on 3 pitches, and thus the Yankees surge began. Lestah was shaky in the 6th. The strike zone was sponsored by the USPS because it was the size of a friggin’ postage stamp. And the Skanks bullpen was excellent. Capping the night with 2 guys, back-to-back, to end the game, staring at 3rd strikes was like getting tossed from a bar by the bouncer, and you’re on the sidewalk, and then the y throw your keys at you and they hit you in the head. INSULT TO FAHKIN’ INJURY.
/>I get it, it’s only 1 game, Fitzy. RELAX like Pedey says. And yeah, things were bound to change. Sox were 8-1 vs the Empire so far this season. Teams had the same record heading into last night. Wasn’t going to be a totally lopsided rivalry all season. It’s just that having a chance to apply the boot to the throat, only to slip in the mud and let the Yankees off the ground...major suckitude.
So now we’re back in 2nd...and we got Lackey on the hill versus Cream Corn Sabathia? Should only be about 47 hits in this 7 1/2 hour Yankees/Sox marathon. I’ll be on the NESN Nation today, starting around 3:30pm with the tweetage and the videos and such (@fitzygfy or @nesnnation)...
...so if anyone needs to commiserate about today, last night, the “moldy peaches in your fruit salad” taste of being back in 2nd place...I’m here/beer for you, peoples.
Fahkin’ Dice-K. What an embarrassment. HASN’T JAPAN BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?
The jokes and mocking on Twitter and TV and evry available media outlet was almost as bad as the chorus of boos that poured out from the fans at the Fens last night. And I don’t blame a damn one of you. What a disgrace. That shit he was throwing was like little league BP. And letting Damon mash on us, and Sam Fuld looking like a Triple Crowner. SAM FAHKIN’ FULD? Oh the shame. I’m still not in full-blown panic. I’m waiting until summer movie season before I become more of a nightmare than I already am. Until tonight, or whenever they play the game (I got a rainout perhaps? mercy rule?), here’s your latest LossWash. And it has GILF boobs, so that has to help ease the pain a bit more.
6 games in and the Red Sox have burned through all the LossWash videos I had, or at least expected to use/need this month. Cripes! Not even Vince Lombardi himself can you “What the hell’s goin’ on out here?” with more conviction at this point. 2 straight road sweeps? The 2nd to the Indians? Lose 6th game on a suicide squeeze, then have the potential tying run thrown out at 3rd to end the game? There are words to describe this, but I don’t got ‘em. And if I did I wouldn’t bother. Fahk it. let’s just watch some videos and pray the Skanks don’t come to town, spoil the home opener (well, actually I think the Sox almost might have kinda done that themselves) and possibly bury the Sox for the season. The folks at Yahoo Sports bring us an excellent Top 10 of things you’ll hear and see Friday at the openah. I can’t believe I’m typing this! The Sox could be 0-9 to start the season? WTF?!?!?
(Fitzy pauses, puts finger to mouth, but can’t hold back, vomits all over floor for upwards of 15 seconds)
Alright, here’s your LossWash videos. And a little something extra thrown in that I think we could all use a bit or dash or helping or bottle full of now.
Here’s for Wednesday night’s loss, and all the cussin’ and cursin’ we all did afterward...
Here’s for Thursday’s series clinchah, which was, much like this video, friggin’ horrifying.
And yes, the oldie but goodie and very necessary SOXYCONTIN.
OK, I’m spent! Anyone got any new LossWash videos to share send them (twitter.com/fitzygfy also works), or (oddly the dot com was taken).
After gimping out a 3-1 loss to the Tribe in front of at least 46 people at Progressive Field n Tuesday night I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to sleep. And then the Yanks blew a 4-0 lead in the 8th and lost 5-4. So I slept a little. A LITTLE. Which is why I could read clearly and find this gem sent to us from our friend Captain Draft, who says that “This helps explain things about Seyton’s fanbase.”
YES, Butt Drugs is real. And YES, that is a real commercial, but not one made for TV (though would it really surprise you if this ran in Sindiana?). It’s made by the funny dudes over at I Love Local Commercials, who collect awful local TV ads as well as take nominations from real mom ‘n pop businesses and make nutty commercials for them. Great idea - 10 Cheers & Beers to them on this one (if you’re bored I recommend killing 30 minutes on the site with their collection of “gems").
Now, back to the Sox...they’ll win a game this year! Cheer up, fuckaroo! Plenty of teams have made the World Series after starting 0-4...like at least 1, I think. It’s not that a 4-game losing streak is the end of the world. It’s that with the expectations and hype and hooplah and hysteria (AKA - hypsterilah) we thought they’d be mashing outta the gate, throwing flames and winning games. And if they got swept in Texas, which they did, then they’d definitely go to Cleveland take out their weekend’s frustrations out on Chief Waho in front of 4 dozen fans, right? But they didn’t, which is why I feel like I need Butt Drugs now. They’ll win, and win a lot. And be all kinda of awesomepants. Trust me. So I’d say off the edge, get down from the bridge/roof, etc. But you do have a right to be frustrated and kinda pissed at the way things are getting going. It’s not even Easter and I’ve had it up to here (my hand is raised up to my eyeballs) with listening to shit from Boston haters. So come on Sox, let’s get this shit-show going. That and I don’t have time to fish the web for that many Losswash videos. I’m burning my month’s supply already, and it’s only fahkin’ April 5th!
No, seriously Matt, how’s your fastball looking, kid? (pic from LOLSox)
I was kinda numb since late last Thursday night (pretty sure people can figure out why), until Crapelbon blew it like a Mile High vuvuzela Wednesday night in Colorado. That woke me up like someone stepping on my nuts while pouring boiling water in my ear. Really, what an asshole! Blowing the win against Jiminez. If you just suffered through his second double-ding-dong walk-off blown save of the season then YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO TO WASH THE HORRIBLE TASTE AD PAIN AWAY IMMEDIATELY!
Also, I’ll be on The Bax and O’Brien Show at 8:05 in the AM Thursday the 25th to close the book on the C’s and get my double-decker bitch on about Crapelbon.
So at least we got that going for us. Which is nice.
Helluva run, Celtics. Helluva run. Nobody saw you old humps going as far as you did, within minutes of another title. Pretty farging impressive. The sour grapes in our mouths today will not diminish how much fun it was watching you guys hop in the “Cocoon” pool and go for it. I had fun, and I know millions of others who did too. And with the lemons that life, the Lakers and the referees have given us today I shall make lemonade, and pour some boozahol into it.
BTW, thanks, Lakers fans, for doing what I’d hoped the Celtics would have done, metaphorically, and burning LA. Idiots.
Also, Phil Jackson is a smug prick. Perfect coach for Kobe. Just sayin’...
I can’t even begin to re-recap that shitshow. If you want to read some of the highs, lows and many expletives then twitter.com/fitzygfy has all the goods, and un-goods.
Hey everyone, look! It’s the Harry from Harry and the Hendersons Look-Alike Contest Night in Boston. COOL!
Actually, Ray Allen should be hiding behind one of those right now. 0-13 from the field? Only the piss troughs at Foxboro Stadium circa 1978 could have stunk worse than that.
Here’s a cheap ‘n fast laugh before calling it a night / when you wake up with the taste of old dick ‘n beer in your mouth from Game 3 and need to rinse it out...
