Nothing else need be re-said, revisited, rehashed or redone. It is what it is. And it is brutal. Epic. Awful. And over. Gotta give it up to these 2011 Red Sox - they found ways to make what was promised to be anticlimactic and business-like very exciting. Hey, there are lots of movies that ended horribly that were exciting for most of the time, right? Like...The China Syndrome. Yeah...that’s the movie that this season most reminds me of.
At least the Sox have great memories and found a way to revert back to form. Now nobody can accuse them of “losing their way” or “forgetting who they are”. THE REMEMBERED ALRIGHT! What a memory on those Sox! This is the song that pretty much sums up everything emotionally for me, kinda keeps playing over and over in my head, my shower radio, the car stereo, etc...
No, you can never take 2004 and 2007 away from us. But we can’t just sweep this one aside either.
Rather than castigate the Lackeys and Crawfords for their season-long futility and significant role in this meltdown, or the Papelbons and Scutaros who contributed directly last night (WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOPPING AND WATCHING THE BALL BETWEEN 2ND AND 3RD FOR SCUTARO!?!?!), or the Theo Epsteins who spent lavishly like a spoiled society child in building said “superteam” (have fun in Chicago!), it just never should have come down to this. So...yeah. It kinda finished how it began. like flaming dogshit in a bag. Beautiful bookends to the season, I dare say.
To splash a spot of light onto the despair I’ll try and end on a peachier note; the true Red Sox fans know no boundary in their fandom. That we were able to even temporarily even wrap our minds around the idea of rooting for the Yankees, for even but a moment, in our effort to get into the playoffs. Something that would normally make us sick, even kill us. That’s like Drain-O for the soul! And we had to try and make that deal with the devil just to help our team get into the playoffs? Wow...we really are a twisted bunch.
So that’s what we get. Though you could say we didn’t deserve it. But so it goes. Putting some color and historical perspective back onto the whole Boston sports scene after a decade for the ages, I guess. The Red Sox? They definitely got what they deserved. And so did Tampa.
A 7-0 lead, Yanks? REALLY? I hate the damn Yankees.
If you’re gonna shit the bed and collapse at least make it memorable, something for the ages, something to remember and share with kids (that you hate), right?
Fenwayfriends, this is terrible. What’s going n now is more ridiculous than Nate Burleson calling himself “the black Wes Welker” (which is pretty funny, and thunderously inaccurate). This Sawx collapse and bedshitting is beyond absurd. And what’s fahki’ most infuriating about it is for most of this wackyballz season we’d think they’ll pull out of the tailspin and win a few, lock it up and call it a day. No, instead...asshats like Awesome O’Clock himself go out there and give up 8 runs, make a game where the Sox score 11 interesting (until they finally explode on the wings of....Connor Jackson?), then bitch when they get pulled early. Fuck him fifty-six ways from Friday. He’s such a hot buttered turd. Really...I asked on the twittah last night if people would pay even $1 extra er ticket next season just to not have to watch him pitch for the Sawx again. I have never gotten more RT’s and responses in my life. I hear you, folks. I do. And obviously that bloated triangle mouth shitshow doesn’t.
SO...since we can’t do much of anything except watch, root, pray, tweet, post, pray, drink, eat, scream, yell, curse, dance and worry (like most ay day), I thought it best to just throw up as many random things as possible so as to give you, the kinda freaks that would check out a shitacular of a website like mine while watching a game. Maybe these laughs and pieces of absurd absurdities will distract you long enough to not let the pain set in of seeing the Sox shit themselves in the corner while they puke on their shoes in front of a whole baseball-watching country. Well, not as much as it may need to hurt...cuz it will. THUS, let’s fahkin’ get into it...
SPORTSTITTIES! Brought to you by the good people @ Deadspin.
If you haven’t seen the Larry Merchant post-Mayweather thing yet then here you go. If only this Sawx squad had half this old man’s nutz...
And if I can’t get you guys to take your eyes off the Sawx shitapalooza long enough to laugh at this thing: IF CELEBRITIES MOVED TO OKLAHOMA - then our collective gooses are cooked.
Yes, THIS is how hideous the Sox play of late has been.
OK, fine...I’ll even throw in a funny Batman video some buddies made, leaving me with no Losswash material for a while, but hot cheesedicks, we need it now more than ever.
Alright, this is it...my last “Don’t stare at the bomb blast from Yawkey Way” video. I just went Batman. We had afull-on FAIL earlier. Remmyspoke in tongues. If y ace in the hole, kittens with lightsabers, doesn’t cheer you up, then we iz FAHKED.
Last thought...if the Sawx skiddage goes full retahd and they do the unthinkable, do you let the kids watch? Do we subject them to this horrorshow? The Wall Street Journal thinks we should. I think my ass would be insulted to see the front page of that rag, still...that we even have to consider these matters...the WTF meter is way past 11, Mr. McKittrick taking us to DefCON 1 now.
Wow...with a little perspective, ever appreciated the Pats and the TFB show more? Think he’d let this nonsense continue? Exactly.
Remember how bad the Pedroia Sullivan Tire commercials are? Truly some of the best-wrost local sports celebrity endorsed spokesman person TV ads ever. EVAH!. I mean they’re really really bad.
The Jim Rice / Dustin Pedroia combination almost nullfies “On The Waterfront” they’re so bad together.
Most people don’t know it but the little girl interviewing Muddy Lasers here was the inspiration for “Pocket Money”. Notice the resemblance/entertainment value?
Anyway...these new Youk ads with Herb Chambers ("At Herb Chambers we’ve got it!") might take the cake, or at least the frosting. Cuz damn, and I mean DAMN these are bad. Almost “so bad they’re too bad to be enjoyably bad but yet still I watch and laugh at them” bad.
Wonder how they snagged Biz for the spot? Isn’t he...busy these days? Well, he does redeem it. A bit. Lil’ bit?
So which one do you humps think is worse? Your comments, snark and horseshit welcome at
That’s right, you penny=pinching fucksticks! Just two days remaining on our t-shirt salestravaganza. THE BRADY - SEYTON MANNING - THE PEDROIA - WHITE WES WELKER - KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON - all just $9 (plus s/h). That’s a stupidly good deal. Take it from a stupidly stupid fella like me - only $9 for some of the best Boston sports swag around. Come Monday they go back to regular price, so get in on the action while the action is cheap. WHO DOESN’T LOVE CHEAP ACTION?
A $9 Townie News shirt is perfect for going to the game! Watching the game at home! Your fantasy team draft! Sleeping! Reading! Mowing the lawn! Sitting on your ass! Eating constantly at home in an effort to become a grotesque overweight man-beast shut-in, therefore necessitating the purchase of larger sizes on a regular basis! Whatever you wanna do, you’ll look better in a $9 Townie News shirt. Oh, you’ll look just as good when they go back to $12, but you’ll feel better saving that extra $3 (it’s my way of trying to put beer back in your hands, where it belongs).
Thanks for your business. Rock on! Seeya soon! Go sports! And go fahk yourself.
It means the heavens are preparing fr something very very very special in Foxboro this season, friends. So get ready.
Oh...and looky who just nabbed himself a little front cover of the bestest and finest sports publication going?
They should rename it THE MUDDY CHICKEN GAZETTE this week.
That’s well deserved, and well earned by LD (Lil’ Dusty) and the Sawx. And so was last night’s win. to gut that shit out, after getting to bed at 6am EST in a hotel in Minneapolis, after a 4 hour baseball war of attrition with the Skanks on a Sunday night national stage, against a guy in Scott Baker who had a 0.22 ERA in his last 5 home starts? 31 flavors of kickass by Fenway’s finest. I maintain that the Sawx need to play more games when they have less sleep. They play sloppy early, make mistakes, fall behind THEN get pissed ans get after it. That’s baseball I can wrap my arms around (but carefully so as to nt spill the beers in my hand).
Also - someone posed the questin on the twittah..."Why not call it The BEEF-ENCE and not THE BEEF CURTAIN? BEEF CURTAIN makes me think of another famus D.” Well, @sureteri, the whole idea is to give the Pats D-line a memorable name that both is wickedly inappropriate AND pays homage to a great NFL team, that being Pittsburgh’s world-famous and wildly-feared “Steel Curtain” of the 70’s...but you knew that, right football fans? Right. Now sure, BEEF-ENCE! is also great, and clever. I like it! I really like it. I think that should be the chant when we want the Pats to make a big stop. But the D-line’s name on the whole should be what it is. And as we all well know...It Is What It Is.
OK, good meeting everyone. Now go fahk yourselves and let’s go Sox! T-minus 2 days till our first taste of fake fotball. CAN’T WAIT (fahk you, Bart Scott!)
Well now...that was a SWFS: Saturday Well Fahkin’ Spent. Didn’t see that coming, except if I bothered to read anything (which I did, as my homework for NESN nation action), seeing that Sabarfia was 0-3 vs the Sox this season, and Lackey had actually been 2-0 with a 3.86 vs the Skanks since joining the Sox in 2010. Well, now you can make that 0-4 for Cream Corn Sabadia and 3-0 with a 3-something for Awesome O’Clock. Good shit. Now we just need to put Lackey in a clset or hyperbaric chamber or behind safety glass that reads “DO NOT BREAK UNTIL NEXT START VERSUS YANKEES”. That’s about the only time he’s good, right?
And SEE! No need to hit the panic button peoples! It was just one game Friday night. RELAX says the Muddy Chicken. They go this. They’re on it. This is what they do, and they’re pretty good at it. And so is Ob-Wan Jacoby (winner of our “Give Ellz a nickname like Youk, Pedey and Papi contest on Twittah yesterday). Kid’s untouchable like Al Capone right now. And I like us going into a Sunday night with Beckett versus Cherry Garcia. Like our chances a lot here.
Here’s a quick video I whipped up for the NN yesterday; where does Jpohn Lackey rank among history’s all-time great lackies (henchmen, sidekicks, etc)...Did I miss any good ones?
You guys ready for some Sunday Night Baseball (and the chance regain our grasp of the sceptre and put the yellow leader jersey back on)? I am, and I know you are. And I know who else is...this guy. He’s PFG on under the bright lights, on the big stage, against the bad guys.
I hate being right, or getting that feeling, the nagging feeling that if something doesn’t go right for your team at a certain point then you’re up Shit’s Creek, no paddle. Even if you’re winning at the time. Kinda like when you’re watching the Pats, and they get a turnover and somehow are not able to capitalize off it. You get that “I think I just ate rancid peanuts” feeling in your gut that tells you the tides are gonna turn or momentum is gonna shift for the worse (see: Crumpler’s drop versus Jets in playoffs, January 2011). Well, I got that “Crumpler’s Drop” feeling last night in the bottom of the 5th when after Gonzo’s whiff (terrible name for a cologne) with the bases loaded to end the inning. The Sawx had the Skanks against the ropes. Fartolo was gone, the sacks were juiced, the crowd was pumped, and the Sox needed to apply the chokehold. The crowd was calling for the submission. We wanted the Million Dollar Dream! The People’s Elbow! The DDT! Even the Shake, Rattle and Roll would have done fine by us!
But instead Gonzo, who is hitting OK but not the same DefCon 1 threat in the lineup post-ASG (I’m telling you, doesn’t look as dangerous of late, just my fahkin’ opinion), struck out to Boone Logan, on 3 pitches, and thus the Yankees surge began. Lestah was shaky in the 6th. The strike zone was sponsored by the USPS because it was the size of a friggin’ postage stamp. And the Skanks bullpen was excellent. Capping the night with 2 guys, back-to-back, to end the game, staring at 3rd strikes was like getting tossed from a bar by the bouncer, and you’re on the sidewalk, and then the y throw your keys at you and they hit you in the head. INSULT TO FAHKIN’ INJURY.
/>I get it, it’s only 1 game, Fitzy. RELAX like Pedey says. And yeah, things were bound to change. Sox were 8-1 vs the Empire so far this season. Teams had the same record heading into last night. Wasn’t going to be a totally lopsided rivalry all season. It’s just that having a chance to apply the boot to the throat, only to slip in the mud and let the Yankees off the ground...major suckitude.
So now we’re back in 2nd...and we got Lackey on the hill versus Cream Corn Sabathia? Should only be about 47 hits in this 7 1/2 hour Yankees/Sox marathon. I’ll be on the NESN Nation today, starting around 3:30pm with the tweetage and the videos and such (@fitzygfy or @nesnnation)...
...so if anyone needs to commiserate about today, last night, the “moldy peaches in your fruit salad” taste of being back in 2nd place...I’m here/beer for you, peoples.
We’re all tied up, writing the script and setting the stage for a hellified stretch run and pennant race. I can’t wait, bet you can’t either. It feels like once the Sox got their ship righted and hopped off the Loser Train and got on the winning track that right about now would be the time when you had to really focus energies and pay attention. As in not miss anymore games, make sure your piss break between innings is fast and stay tuned, don’t miss a fahkin’ pitch focused. The Sox played some great ball in the last 6 weeks, but apparently so did the Skanks. I thought the Sox would put some space between themselves and the Yanks in the East but the Bronx bats have been on fire, and the Sox pitching woes, well...let’s just say I’m already hoping we can go 2 outta 3 and bookend the weekend with wins because Lackey versus Sabathia doesn’t inspire piles of confidence.
Sox have owned/pwn’ed the Skanks so far this season, 8 of 9. But something tells you there could be what they call in competitive eating the dreaded ”reversal of fortune” coming up. Or maybe not? Who’s to say the Sox can’t keep smacking the Yanks around? If we’re to win this thing, and we sure as shit fire would rather win the East and not have to go on the road for 2 series in the playoffs, then we have to do what needs be done against the Fartolo Colons and Cherry Garcias of the world; (bad Cartman voice) SMACK THOSE BITCHES UP.
So here...we...go. Couldn’t ask for a more competitive scenario. It’s like a football game being all tied up in the 4th. Anyone’s game now. Sox will have no excuses. After a 2-10 start the slate is clean, tied up with the Skanks come Aug 5th, and we still have home court. I’ll take it. And I hpe the Yanks take it too. Not take it as in “win the AL East”...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Alright, let’s punch out with another wonderfully shitty web find of the week...how t intro this. Umm...OK, whenever I think of the Yankees I hear something this awful in my head...
GO SOX! Be the beast of the East! And Yanks...GFY.
BTW - now that we’ve got a W in the books THIS excellent Sox storyboard, chock full of a coupla big-timahz, makes a good read (especially since the 1st W anxiety is gone).
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