Fitzy’s Week 8 Fantasy Picks

Enough Already!

The ACL in Pittsburgh '06.  Then the Tyree catch.  Now I'm on the TFB plan in '08.  Seriously, WTF?!

Hey, Football Gods, we got the message loud and clear February 3rd: you don't like cheating of any kind, in any way.  We heard you, TRUST ME!

So what's with all the injuries to the big guys on the team?  You almost ripped my heart out with the TFB ACL on Sept. 7th.  Now you almost rip the defense's heart out with news that Rodney "Human Growth" Harrison is out for the year with a torn quad.

Seriously, WTF?  Is this further punishment?  Are we just taking it mom-style, on the chin, for years of wins?  Is it shit luck?  Are we not allowed to win a game at home without losing a starter on O or D?  If that's the case then Mossman, White Wes, Don't Hold the Mayo, Ready Willing and Vrabel - I'd watch the hell out, dudes.  There might be a greater force, like football injury "Semi-Final Destination" style out there, coming for you...and your legs!

Hey Mr. Meriweather, you been looking pretty good this season.  Well, I hope you're fahkin' ready because you're starting now!  Oh, and it's Philip with one L.

We All Liked What We Saw

ROBERT KRAFT - Big win tonight, Tommy.  Big win.

TFB - Yeah.  Denver's D sucks almost as much as tearing two knee ligaments and sitting out the season.

ROBERT KRAFT - That's funny.  Wait, it's not really.

(awkward pause)

ROBERT KRAFT - Maybe this Cosell kid can play after all.

TFB - It's Cassel.  Matt Cassel.

ROBERT KRAFT - Oh, Cassel!  You know I have two of those.  One has a whale pond and a unicorn forest and the other is in the arctic like in "Watchmen".  You should come visit sometime.  We can wrestle polar bears and eat blowfish burgers.

TFB - Sounds great.

(second awkward pause...sound of crowd cheering due to another Denver turnover in the background)

ROBERT KRAFT - How's Jonele?

TFB - It's...she's fine.  And so's the team, sir.

ROBERT KRAFT - Sir is for my father!  Call me RoKr. 

NICE WIN, PATS.  JUST WHAT WE NEEDED.

That Really Sox

I know everyone keeps saying "Hang in there, but this BLOWS!"

Sox fans, there's no denying that getting knocked out of the playoffs.  On the road.  In a Game 7.  Of the ALCS.  To Tampa.  SUCKS.  After the monumental Game 5 comeback, and a well-rounded Game 6 win, it made perfect sense to think, not EXPECT, to think we could be seeing what we've seen a couple times already this decade.  But they still have to play the games, and every other douchebagerrific cliche that Buck Martinez likes to utter.  And the Rays broke from the script, re-wrote history, and now have a chance to go from worst to first PLUS Champs.  Which blows my mind.  But they won, and we lost.  So you tip your cap, wish 'em well, lick your wounds, blah blah blah...HOWEVER, this guy and his stupid mouthpiece and cowbell can lick mah ballz!

And this man-turd can also eat a HUGE bag of broken dicks covered as he is Reason #1 in my new dissertation on why the internet and the information age of sharing the global village are TERRIBLE THINGS!

I'm not ready to dissect the season, analyze every move made and look for people to throw under the bus.  Fuck the microscope we're supposed to put the game and the players and the team under.  It's done.  It sucks, but it's done.  It was a helluva season, a great ALCS with a shitty finish, but all in all a damn fine and fun baseball season.  And as far as Im concerned if you're a Pats fan too then you should be checking the clock soon and often, waiting for the work whistle to blow so you can get your ass home and root on the struggling and beloved footballers of Foxboro.  Save a Time Machine and the ability to make somebody drive in some of the runners the Sox left on in innings 7-9 in Game 7, there's nothing I'd love more thana big fat Pats win tonight.  Like finding $5 in your pocket, surprise sex, and leftover pizza in the fridge you didn't know was there, it'd provide a nice lift.

Hey Matt Cassel - I refuse for this to be the title to your 2008 Patriots biography.  Now LET'S GO PATS!

Kippah & Brades, #2

FANalyst Week 7: There’s Only 1 October!

Kippah And Brades, #1

Kippah is one of Fitzy’s pals. Whenever Kippah drinks one too many, he imagines Tom Brady is his best friend. These are their adventures.

Fitzy Presents: Philip Rivers’ Fantasy Funhole!

The Old 7/10 Split

At 7 Sunday night we were all feeling pretty friggin’ good.  Pats won!  Sox are on the way!  This could be an all-time sports day!

Then Mike Napoli, the catcher with the name of the local pizza man, delivered his 2nd home run of the night, and by 10, the Pats magic was gone, and we knew we were in for a long one (and this was a long one even YOUR mom wasn’t psyched about getting.)

The Townie News Friday Funbag

Gina Carano, who puts the Mighty Mighty Awesome in MMA, will kick your ass if you don’t root in 2 Sox wins and a big Pats victory this weekend.

Welcome to the Funbag, the Townie News Friday equivalent of that hungover Saturday morning meal where you eat some cereal, a leftover slice of pizza, the crumbs from the bottom of a bag of chips, a fudgicle and anything else lying around the kitchen that can make you feel better.  Or fatter.  Whatever, it’s all delicious.