Man, Pats fans must feel really hosed now that we got our dicks kicked in representin’ the AFC East in the playoffs.
Really? REALLY? That was the best the AFC East Champs could do?
That was the best Mr. Jets Slayer, Mr. Comeback Player of the Year could do?
Can anyone look me straight in the eye (regular, brown, red, WHATEVER) and tell me that the Dolphins and their 1-game better conference record (8-4 to 7-5 in AFC for Pats) deserved to go to the playoffs and were better than the Pats?
Pathetic.
That ass-whooping served Ed Reed style, with a side order of 4 Pennington INTs, only reinforces all Pats fans sour grapelicious feelings about getting sent home for the postseason in favor of the pop-gun Dolphins. There is no way in the wide world of sports that someone can tell me the Pats would not have made a game of it played better or had a chance to win? If you did you would have but a leg to stand on and it would be FULL OF SHIT.
The “big wins” for the Dolphins were Pennington making his comeback and the team reversing their fortunes and going from the cellar to the spotlight. GREAT! Good for them! That was their championship, the whole “not sucking anymore” thing. They could have lost to the Jets and still gone home winners. BIG winners. Now they go home after an ass-kicking in their own house, where their offense was shut down, dressed down and beat down. And there’s no way they can feel as good today about their season as they did but a day or two ago. What the Fish did this season was awesome, and they beat the Pats back in September and earned their accolades and respect. But sorry, I am going to cry one last good cry over the spilled milk that was the Pats and their spit ‘n glue old man D and red-hot Casselhoffense going home in favor of the Dolphin peoples and their dink with no duck offense.
Technically the right team went to the playoffs. But we all know the wrong team packed up and played golf first.
I’d be crying if I was an asshole and threw 3 shitty interceptions!
And fuck you! AND fuck Robbie! FUCK EVERYONE!
The Pats were playing football too damn well to be shown the door. Fuck karma! Fuck the Jets! Fuck Arizona and whoever the dick wins the AFC West, far from befitting a playoff spot as they may be. Fuck the dicknuts who leave comments saying, “Tough shit, Fitzy, that’s how it goes” and the like. FUCK EVERYONE!
No dropping the literal or metaphorical ball Sunday, Pats. You especially, Gaffney! Once was more than fahkin’ enough, thank you very little.
Christmas happened – and I don’t care!
Teixiera signed with the Yanks – and I don’t care!
A team could go 0-16 Sunday…and I don’t care!
I just got a Blu-Ray player AND Guitar Hero: World Tour for gifts, both of which give me super-nerd stiffies and yet remain unopened…and I don’t care!
Rumor has it TFB got engaged – and I don’t care!
IT’S ALL ABOUT SUNDAY AT 1PM, peoples.
Then maybe 4. But the mathemagenius in me says first comes 1.
The Pats HAVE to win in Buffalo before any of these other wacky playoff scenarios can come to be. So no talking about the Jets, or the Jags, both of which we hope to be fans of come 4 in the PM. HOPE.
We don’t have Jack, Shit or their friends to worry about if the Pats don’t win in Buffalo, a team and city that would relish knocking the reigning division champs and their hated rival from the playoff picture (lest we forget Buffalo plays host to the radio show Shred and Ragan who had the “Best Bust of Bernard Pollard” contest…these sugar-frosted fuckwits.) Misery loves company, but I’m too in the mood for January football to hang with the Bills and whoever else ain’t going to the playoff dance. And don’t even get me started on the kinda “straight till spring training” shithouse kinda mood I’ll be in if the Pats lose, or go 11-5 and still miss the playoff. Moral victories SCHMORAL DICKTORIES! They’re playing too damn well to start playing my Guitar Hero and watching my Blu-Ray!
SO, root your balls off...scream your brains out...drink your face off...do whatever you have to do from wherever you have to be in whatever lucky pair of underpants you need to be in to help will the Pats to victory. THEN we can all temporarily switch allegiances and feel fahked up about actually saying “Go Jags!” or “C’mon Favre!” Seriously, the “Pennington comes to NYC and has the chance to knock the Jets from the playoffs after they dumped his ass for Olde Man Favre” story is super cool, great drama and all. But just not now, with all we have on the line. Unless the Jags can pull their head outta their dismal season asses for the day. Against the Ravens. Which sounds really improbable. About as probable as me seeing “Marley and Me”. So yeah, be pro-Jets-ready. But we gotta make sure White Cassel and crew have the chance to cheer for Eric Mangini’s team (vomit-on-keyboard-sound) first.
You fahked it up six years ago, Fav-ruh. Don’t fahk it up again. Gaffney promised me we’ll do our job and no balls will be dropped, so then you go do yours. Then ride off into your Wrangler jeans sunset. Then everybody go fahk themselves! Especially Hamgini...that prick. Who I might have to root for Sunday (*keyboard covered in vomit sound again*)
Santa, I do not remember putting “Need to be a Goddamn Jets fan for a day” on my fahkin’ Christmas Wish List!
Was not your punishment of Patriots fans on February the 3rd in the year 2008 of our Lord not punishment enough?
Was not your (temporary) smiting of the brave and most noble Tom Brady on September the 7th of this same year a reminder of your anger towards us?
And now you ask us to both win our final game AND be forced into temporary Jets fandom for a day? Have you no mercy?
If it must be done so as to allow the surging football force that is the reconstituted reconstructed and reinvigorated Patriots into the playoffs, then so be it.
OK Santa, THIS, the Pats playing awesome offense (awefense?) in the playoffs...THIS is what I want for Christmas, you chubby freak!
For all you fantasy freaks out there who have been clamoring that there’s not enough actual Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em advice in the Funspot fantasy football videos I offer you this meaty gift (meaty gifts - your mom’s favorite present this time of year!) Good luck and feel free to send Fitzy Claus an email asking for advice, or tell him his picks stink like reindeer ass, at .
OMG, an honest to god TFB sighting! But I thought presents didn’t arrive until Christmas morning?
Is it me, or has TFB become even more of a mythic figure this season? He had already reached modern football Elvis status - best QB, ladies want to be with, men want to be - then the ACL hits in the 1st quarter after he doesn’t play all preseason, following the best season, and most disappointing Super Bowl finish, EVER. He has the surgery, ducks away, has some trouble, rehabs, and we see as much of him as we have quality runs up the gut from Laurence Maroney before he hit the shelf. So it makes sense that when TFB appeared at the Pats annual Salvation Army Holiday Party at The Razor Tuesday night, hearts were aflutter and questions went flying. In his usual cooler than any school we went to style he deflected all questions about himself like he was injured and at the postgame podium, just cheering on his team and his former training partner (who we all can agree is defying expectations weekly now). But still, it’s just Tom Brady, right? Yet still he makes an unexpected but still not surprising appearance at a charity event his team, the team he plays for, will play for again and has been the heart and soul of for the decade, and we all go banonkers? So pardon me for saying this but it’s almost like a positive that Brady has created from the negative that was his injury was elevating his mythical status. Now when he appears it’s unexpected, more special, a treat for all us football children. “Loo, TFB! He’s alive and well! He still has IT. Wow, I’m almost not worthy, hes just so...pretty. And awesome. He’s prawesome.” So anyway that was cool.
Timmy and Janice, and children all over the world, were able to open their Christmas presents with joy once again, knowing that Tom Brady appeared in public and seemed healthy. For it truly is a Christmas miracle. Not as big of one as the Pats making the playoffs, but still...
Hey, you guys aren’t going to the pro Bowl either? Awesome! Everyone in on a giant sweaty man-hug! Don’t get mad, we’ll burn a few at SCH’s house and all will be good. Plus the flight is a bitch. Trust me.
You know when they implore you to vote for the pro Bowl by going to NFL.com because all the votes count? And you’re like, “I will, just later. I’m too busy going over my fantasy roster for the 800th time today.”? Well, you suck! Because Randy Moss missed out on being a starting Wide Receiver in the Pro Bowl...by 18 votes! To Brandon Marshall! Now I Am Marshall is a hellified receiver in his own right. Crazy numbers, 18 catch day, even missed a few games because he and his brother wrestled their way into an entertainment center. The guy’s bananas (I worked with him in 2007, so I’m not talking completely outta my ass on this one). But still - Moss, snubbed. “Denied!” as Wayne would say. That flat-out fahkin’ sucks. Not his best statistical season, but still...MOSSMAN!
Cheers and Beers to White Wes and Stephen Kickakowski for being selected, inaugural trip for both (I know - how did Welker and his 112 catches not go in 2007?) They say there’s nothing like your first time, so GFY: Good For You, guys.
Pack your juice and cookies, Dr. Diabetes! Once we get eliminated from the playoffs and take a month off we get to play football again, this time in Hawaii. Yeah, I got picked over Moss. That shit’s crazy as me, right?
