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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: “Fuck It, Season’s Over”

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: “Fuck It, Season’s Over”



Tom Brady, the self-proclaimed world’s biggest loser, asks, “What’s the point of playing anymore?”

by Popular Opinion
Special To Townie News

September 23, 2009
Foxboro/Boston/Wherever

In a move that should come as a shock to nobody, especially the growing legions of doubters and haters, the New England Patriots, at once the consensus pre-season favorite to win Super Bowl 44, have to decided to give up on their season just 2 games in.

“Yeah, it’s a wash.  Us cockgobblers?  We’re done here.” said left tackle Matt Light, still carrying that trademark Patriots dejection following the team’s difficult 16-9 loss to the rival Jets at the Meadowlands.  “Let’s face it, we suck out loud.  Team’s a total waste of time on the whole.  We’re one second year cornerback fumble away from being 0-2.  So that’s us, a lucky bunch of pricks who figure it best to listen to the masses and prognosticators who have never suited up for a game and cash in now before further embarrassment.”

Light was not the only one to be less than, well, light of heart hen describing the three-time Super Bowl champs’ about-face.  Said Pro Bowl D-lineman Ty Warren, “We’re not living up to anyone’s expectations two games in, so obviously we suck it full force.  May as well just punt on the season, play out the string and look forward to next year, or a career outside football.  Or staying home and eating Pop-Tarts and watching internet porn.  Just not this shitstorm.” Warren turned to exit then punctuated, “I’ll tell ya’, Richard Seymour is the lucky one out in Oakland.  My toilet brownies this morning looked better than our effort to date on the season.”

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Great News for the Jets!

Finally, Brett Favre can get back to doing what he does best; throwing interceptions in jeans.

I have mixed feelings galore about Favre’s retirement.  Part of me says, “Good riddance!  And don’t let the door hit you in your heavyweight denim-covered ass on the way out!” Moreso than any other person last season he alone kept the Pats out of the playoffs, first by leading the Jets to that ball-busting win in Nov ‘08 at Foxboro (the night Casselhoff came to life); and then by giftwrapping the AFC East for the Dolphins by losing what would ultimately be his final game.  So there’s the part of me that’s happy to see him go, with a copy of the GFY home game and some Turtle Wax and Rice-a-Roni.  Thanks for playing and nice swan song, jackass!

But then you get to thinking, “Hey, this old fart did get Mangini fired, so I guess we owe him that.  Plus the Jets would have been a much worse team with The 40-Year Old Quarterback this coming season.  So maybe I’m disappointed to see him go.  Also why am I drunk at noon?” Yeah, mixed emotions, bittersweet feelings, all that shit.

Ultimately, what I’ll remember more than his beating the Pats in Super Bowl 31, or his storied Green Bay career, or his Farrelly brothers cameo, is his 3 INTs on December 28th, 2008.  A TV in a sports bar showing a football game has never heard such insults hurled its way.  If anything I should probably go apologize to that TV.  It didn’t throw the 3 picks that sent the Pats home.  I’m sorry.  I love you, TV.  I just hate the goddamn Jets.

Dare You Take The TFB Challenge?

OK, here’s the deal - a regular here to Townie News sent in a homemade fan video, an AC/DC “T.N.T.” parody music video called “T.F.B.” (for you know who, based on yours truly’s much-deserved Bradyism), and dare I say it’s fantastic.  Fantastic in that the effort, creativity, thought and Pats-love behind it are undeniable and come shining brightly through.  And Fantastic in that there might not be worse singing on anything, anywhere, anytime.  The video’s author knows it too, but that doesn’t make it any more listenable (word?  Who gives a shit.)

SO, I dare you to try and make it through the whole song.  I think it almost impossible, even with the cool visuals and thoughts of Brady storming back against the NFL in 2009 dancing around your head.  These vocals would insult alley cats on fence tops that have old shoes thrown at them in comic books, and would vault him immediately to the top of the worst of all “American Idol” auditions.  This is something special here, folks.

First person who emails me at and can prove to me that they made it all the way through gets a GFY gift set sent to them by yours truly.  So brave on folks, god bless this guy, TFB himself, and definitely GFY (keep the cotton for the bleeding ears handy, trust me).



UPDATE CITY - 02-05-2009 at 7:30pm EST - And we have a winner!  Thank you to all who braved the clip and gave it a go.  I’ll be sending cotton swabs to clean the remaining blood out of your ears very soon.  By all means, please, continue to listen, sing along, bleed out, scream in agony, cheer your balls off, and enjoy.  And go fahk yourself.

Kippah And Brades, #8

That’s One Expensive Paps Blue Ribbon

I think we can all agree Paps is pretty juiced up when he enters a game, but, um...nice work, ESPN!  (thanks to Deadspin for the photo)

$6.25 million for Paps this season, eh? Wow...I say MFE: Money Fahkin’ Earned.  Paps has been about as shutdown as a closer can be the last 3 years.  You love him.  Fans of the other 29 teams hate him.  He throws as hard as he can.  He cares about winning.  He exudes crazy drunk-guy energy and dances around like a madman.  He’s the guy you want in all the big games, and you know he wants to be in there too.  This year he has the chance to be part of a potentially special bullpen, maybe one that will spare his arm the wear ‘n tear it went through that left him kinda gassed last September (yet somehow they guy allowed 0 ER in the postseason with a heater 5 mph off its average, so out the window go questions about his pitching ability).  Bottom line - Paps rocks.  He’s been compensated for his efforts, and the Sox are investing alot in their closer, and I full-well expect him to give the crowds all the same “Wild Thing” goosebumps he has for the past coupla years.  I mean, come on - is there anyone else whose hands you’d want on the ball with the game on the line?



Nice work so far, Johnny.  You’ve EARNED THIS.