Just in time for the playoffs. Who said we didn’t have good timing? We’re putting this baby into production today and aiming to ship them in just in time for the start of the playoffs. We thought about making a Garnett shirt, and then we considered Rondo. But come on, you can’t deny or forget about The Truth, Mr. Paul Pierce.
We were about to write the Celtics off about a month ago, but they turned the season a few weeks ago with some clutch wins and dammit, they’re starting to look like the Celtics of old. Here’s to one big, great final playoff push. We’re all in, and that’s THE TRUTH.
Sorry for not blogging this week. We’ve ben doing stuff and you’ve been watching and reading and enjoying, I hope, but jst to get it out of the fahkin;’ way, INSERT TYPICAL FITZY EXCUSE ABOUT NOT BLOGGING ENOUGH HERE AND PROMISING TO DO MORE SOON AND OFTEN AND STUFF. NOW! To the matter at handjob...GRONKMANIA. Shitsticks on fire, it ontinues to sweep Patriot and our actual Nation like crazy. And as it takes vice-like grip on the country’s dicks you try to remember when the last time somebody with this much accidental charisma, charm, ability and goofiness tok hold. GRONK runs the world right now. And this is a hobbled Gronk with a bad ankle. Or “the Gronkle” as we call it. I just don’t wanna hear any more about his Gronkle. I want game! But, if I have to hear more abut Gronk and the Gronkle leading up to Sunday then it may at least be in the musical entertainment type form, right? If you think people with TV cameras, radios, microphones, blogs and wieners have gone out of their Gronkin’ mind, then you should check out the Youtubes. Literally a new Gronk Song (and I’m surprised that Cisqo hasn’t remixed “The Thong Song” into “The Gronk Song” yet...wait, that may be a brilliant idea). Anyway, check it...we got GRONK songs galore, baby. There’s the homemade kinds done up right, like the Twisted Sister tribute (which always scores points with my retro soul when you pay homage to the great Dee Fahkin’ Snyder), I WANNA GRONK
And then we have celebrity DJ hip-hop star fans like Timbaland (tell me you didn’t double-take when you heard Timbaland was a Pats fan and wrote a song for Gronk) who dial up this GRONK SONG
And yet another professional entry by a hip-hopper (I dunno what the kids are calling them these days) by the name of Fewcha, who Gronks it like it’s hot...
And then we have the shortest, simplest and easiest to love, the Toucher and Rich “Party Gronk” song, which in many ways is almost kind of an anthem at this point. He is party. YO SOY FIESTA (how many times have you dropped that line in the last 10 days? At least five times a day, minimum, right?)
Am I missing any? If so hit me up -
And BTFW, I have no effing idea, and I bet you don’t either, as to ht Gronk means when he says “We going to the ship”. And you know what? I DON’T CARE. I kinda don’t ever wanna know. It’s like the lyrics to “Louis Louie”. Nobody really knows what they mean, and they definitely mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And that’s how it should be.
In non-Gronk related matters...
I’ll be making my return to The Karlson & McKenzie Show on WZLX Thursday morning @ 7:35am. Been a while since I’ve been on with the big dudes, the big boobs and big head. Can’t wait! And then we’ll follow that up with our weekly sports chat with Funfella and The Grump (aka Bax and O’Brien) on Rock 102 @ 8am. If you tune in to both there’s an 80% chance you’ll hear some of the same ridiculous things/lines/jokes twice. Double your fahkin’ pleasure!
Hope you’ve enjoyed the videos we’ve made within the last week. More to come soon, including the Super Bowl 46 Wicked Pissah Webcast, which should drop sometime Thursday afternoon. And it’ll be as epic as the game we’ve been obsessing over for the last ten days. I think. I hope! Etc...
...and here’s everything else Patstastic and such we can think of for you to watch, read, look at, enjoy and whatever else you gotta do before kickoff.
CelticsPatriotsMan has a pretty sweet little...preview of today’s showdown.
And then we got all these...there’s GFY pal and middle-finger flippin’ stalwart Bugsy Segal finally showing a sign of approval to a license plate...and how!
Then we got Chad Lakkas (@themadgamer), who whipped up this sign for the stands so his aunt could see him at the game Sunday (dood...I would SO download this app and play the shit outta this game...hope the Pats do to Sunday).
Then we got this sweetass GRONK cartoon / illustration by Neil Smith (starting to get an idea how big New England’s Gronk-boner is at this point?)
Then we got my boy Hanzy, who always whips up the best gameday outfits for The Razor. Here was last week’s for The Tebowl 2...can’t effing wait to see what he devises for the Championship.
WEEI kinda nailed it; we need Big Vince to come hungry and dine on stuffed Raven today.
And as we head into it, and the game we’ve somehow waited a week for is nigh, remember 2 things; no matter what happens, like Jen Hill does here, KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON.
And be sure to say a coupla OUR BRADYs before kickoff (as presented by our pal Jeremiah Lucas).
So there it is and here we go. Nothing else need be said. GAME. EFFING ON. Hang ‘em high and let ‘em fly, boys. GFY, Ravens. LET’S GO PATS!!!
The task, or tasks, at hand are very simple; A.) Beat the Ravens Sunday, and 2.) Have all us crazy obsessed excited psyched superpumped fans make it to Sunday. ‘Cuz I gotta tell ya it’s Wednesday night, and that’s a tall order itself. I am doing everything possible under the sun to distract myself and keep busy/preoccupied/outta trouble until Sunday at 3 in the PM. And outside of working on videos, writing dumb shit, listening to the radio, and drinking beer (what makes this different from any other week?), it hasn’t been easy. But we’ve passed the hump ‘o the week, and soon the momentum will build steam like a Coors Light train and next thing we know it it’s Sunday. That said, if you’re like me and you need to waste another 3-4 minutes now then take a second to enjoy this amazing video; an all-movie quote version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. Yup...lyrically spot-on and all. I’ll see you in a few...
Oh Baltimore! Oh Ray Rice...Bernard Pollard...T-Sizzler...Ray Lewis...do we owe you guys, for so many reasons (Pollard especially...I want his left knee served postgame to TFB on a silver platter!). Last week’s game was SFS: So Fahkin’ Sweet - on so many levels. But gone is the time that we should be basking in the biblical beatdown. I don’t believe that game to be a fluke or aberration, nor do I think it what we should expect to see in any way shape or form. BUT, should you need to waste another coupla minutes before Sunday AND relive the highlights of Saturday night, well...here are all 6 of TFB’s TD’s...
And welcome back...again. For realzerpants, you best believe Baltimore’s chain gang of crab-ass thugs by the bay are gonna bring it, and then some, come Sunday. And it’s gonna be a battle. Terrell Suggs, he of the one-way war of words with TFB for years now, made sure to spend his time wisely Wednesday by arguing with that asshat Skip Bayles on ESPN 2 (instead of studying game film and planning, like we can be assured TFB was). I don’t care if T-Sizzler won AFC Defensive Player of the Year or not, the guy’s a pan-fried dick covered in mouthy douche sauce. Plus, it’s not like the Pats are surging and peaking at the right time. Or have any incentive. Or revenge on the mind. Or one of the best Qbs ever, and perhaps the best playing now (you know what you said, Ray-Ray & T-Sizzler!) Or a coach with menace and mayhem and madness on the mind. NOOO, not at all! How could anyone think as much?!?
Oh buddy, we’re home. They played for this. And they’re on a mission. And Baltimore is in the way. Time for them to get out the way. Everyone’s pumped! I’m jacked. You’re outta your shit. People like this unknown hotty are rocking the GRONK left and right.
It’s happenin’. And I’m ready. I just need to appropriately and judiciously piss away these next 3 and 1/2 days. Wait, I know how! How about we watch this GRONKtastic video of all of Gronk’s 2011 TD’s accompanied by the William Tell 1812 Overture. Yup, it’s ON.
Oh my jeezus cripes on crackerstix, this has got to stop. It’s madness, all the non-stop Tebowapaloozamaniahype. Check this video out, courtesy of the intrepid folks at Deadspin...it’s 160 mentions of Tebow in but 1 hour of SportsCenter. I SHIT YOU NOT (click link to view).
No shit, if you didn’t live in New England, or weren’t a Pats fan who checks blogs and the radio online from wherever the dick you live, then you would think Saturday night that Tebow Almighty is coming to play some ham ‘n egger QB and his ragtag shit squad in the playoffs, and that after Tebow parts the opposing D like the Red Sea and moves on, nobody will even remember this anonymous team he smote in the Divisional Round. HE’S PLAYING THE MUTHAFUCKIN PATRIOTS, people! Wait...first, shame on me for falling victim to the Tebow trap and talking more about him. But not really, becuase it’s leading me to a greater point. And that is...how much extra incentive, motivation and under-ass-fire do you guys wanna light for the Pats? They wanna shut everyone up about the D this year. They haven’t won a playoff game in 4 effin’ years. They’ve lost their last 2 games at home, including last year’s Divisional against the gaddam Jets. The D sucks..wonk wonk yadda blah-blah...and now the coverage is 24-7 Teblow? They’re gonna be so freakin’ fired up. TFB is already in his full-blown surly playoff mega-focus mode. But now, you add all this shit? Then the Pats get to be the motivational underdogs (even at 13 point favorites). And get to play the disrespected by the media card. Suffice it to fahkin’ say they should come out strong and start pretty fahkin’ fast Saturday night. And if not, and the trend of falling behind early continues, well...
I don’t need a reason to convince myself how the Pats should win, or why. But now there’s an extra WHY in the equation, that being the “America, please allow us to do you a favor and stop the Tebowtalk once and for all. It’s the least the Pats can do.” Maybe this will actually curry some favor with the American football masses who are envious and stupid and still play the lameball ‘SpyGate / 18-1” cards. Original AND clever! Well, if this doesn’t make people like or root for the Pats more then I couldn’t give 17 sailing shitpatties. I’m all in. You’re fahkin’ pumped and jacked like a shirtless Pete Carroll! It needs to be Saturday night NOW!
I’m ready now (“My cock’s ready now, Jack!”), but to fill ‘n kill before the game I guess we’ll just have to KEEP CALM AND BRADYC ON, blog it up and finish the videos we’re working on. Oh...and of course, it’s not a big Patriots rivalry game without a Bugsy Segal salute to our opponent.
The juiced up, biblically ridiculous kind, as always we advise that all Pats fans...
All that every single jock, journalist & jackass can do all week, no matter their forum, is yip & yap 24/7 Tebowmania. And I understand. It moves the needle. It turns heads. It sells papers. And people don’t even buy newspapers anymore! The guy somehow does crazy things on the field, is a winner, a leader of men, and from the jaws of defeat, when the odds are stacked against his chips...blahblahblah...SEE! It’s that easy to get sucked into it! So eyes on the prize; a favorable match-up in the Division Round. At home. With a well-rested Pats team - Spikes, Chung & all - with a clear path to the AFC Championship. This is what we wanted. And we gots it, baby...it just happens to come with some significant biblical baggage is all.
JUST when we thought we’d seen the last of this nonsense...(thanks to Sheila Coffey for the pic, and Joel Dann for striking a pose for all Patriotskind)
But as much as we may not wanna deal with all the Tebowtalk again, think of it this way; his presence alone is distracting us from having to hear about the defense sucking like a Polaroid picture, or how we haven’t won a home playoff game, or any playoff game, in 4 years. Those would be the storylines this week. So we just have to let the media blow out their Tebowners yet again, and we get to fly under the radar and dream quietly of a Saturday night filled with first downs, GRONK spikes, endzone militia smoke, awkward Robert Kraft whiffed hi-5’s (still the best GIF ever)...PLUS, for being good, patient little Patriots boys & girls, we get a bonus gift of...ol’ Joshy Josh McD coming back to the house. Welcome back, Josh! Your slice of humble pie, as well as a copy of this week’s gameplan, are on your desk.
McDaniels brings so much back to the table that, whatever capacity he works in this week...offensive assistant, advisor, Burger King run coordinator...it’s gonna help. Billy O will have his focus and his eyes on the prize, no Penn State blurring his vision. But McDaniels knows TFB & Hoodie like he knows how to pick up a severance check outside Foxboro. And he also knows these guys, Tebow & Demaryius Thomas, pretty well, too. Something abut being the (short-termed) HC of the DB, I think. Whatevah, dood! Things seem lined up pretty fahkin’ sweetly for the Pats to go about biz, resist the parting of the Bullshit Sea with Tebowapalooza 2 all week, and then do their job. I’m not predicting a blowout or a no-brainah snoozefest. I bet it’l be a good game for a while. But if the Pats have ever had things align for some special scoring schemery...dood...
Oh, and a quick GFY to the Denver writer who pissed and moaned and definitely should have ordered some cheese with his whine yesterday about how the Pats broke the rules getting McDaniels back. Sorry guy, but there ain’t no rules against it, so no harm no foul go cry on your mommy’s towel. What a bitch! I prefer the thinking of one Jerry Thornton who opined (ok, maybe a bit heavy of a word there..uh, postured? OK, he wrote)...who WROTE that bringing back McDaniels is a slamduckaroo and everyone else can suck it. Well, that’s the gist of what he wrote.
Alright, I’m back to the lab to finish the first of at least 2 videos this week. In the interim enjoy this Toucher & Rich audio gem from Monday (it’s pretty fahkin’ pitch perfect), and as always...let’s go Pats, and GFY.
It’s a fact; LBDLLGFY (Lovely Beer Drinking Ladies Love GFY).
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
As we begin wishing ne and all a Merry Patsmas, hearty Happy Holidays and Bestest Wishes for a Merry Christmas to both the Houston Texans and, of all teams, the Indianapolis Colts, for delivering exactly what I wanted as a Christmas Eve Eve Eve gift. Houston shitting the bed at the site of SB 46 all but tells me that they’re not a true contender for the title, and even more so clears the path for the Pats. Sure, they control their own destiny, win out and it’s all you. But now a win this Sunday all but locks up the #1 seed. So all that stands in our way of retracing ur steps from last year, and then setting about righting those wrongs, isa rejuvenated Reggie Bush and the 230 pounds of crazy that is Brandon Marshall. Well, an interesting fahkin’ Xmas eve this should be.
Yeah, they say it’s better to give than receive, but that’s hot-frosted horseshit on the football field. The Pats haven’t been giving away at all lately. And cutting the turnovers way doen has surprisingly lead to - get this - a bunch of fahkin’ wins! And who do you enjoy seeing receive more than New England’s own megarockstarsupericonmanbeast, THE GRONK. People have gotten so into him that now Gronking is something people talk about almost as much as Tebowing (again, if I need remind you: Gronking > Tebowing). And so whenever someone pointed out that there’s a site dedicated to Gronking, well, let’s just say my sugarplums began dancing, and not just in my head. I have to craft a quality entry and submit before playoff time. Your ideas are welcome, and good ones might be stolen
This guy’s about to Gronk the shit out of his girlfriend!
Oh, and even though we’re long since over Tebowing, and he’s not even a blip on our radar, a floater in our deuce bowl, I would like to share a pic that I just received from last weekend. Sandi Winegrad Siegal, in addition to being a hot mama (we’ve long -since moved on past MILF, people), is a dedicated die-ahrd Pats fan with a sense of humor. For she was made sure to reward Santa for giving her what she wanted, a Pats win in Denver, with a satirical gesture of her own. I think I have a little boy crush on a 2nd grade teacher kinda love for this woman.
THAT is the true mark of a champion. That he had to get it in “Tramp Stamp font” is even better. And also...is this dood wearing a fahkin’ diaper. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a reasonably big, well-covered, over-hyped football game being played in Denver tomorrow. Yes, THE TEBOWL is at hand. And there’s only been a weeee bit of coverage surrounding it. Many websites have done their enjoyable Tebowmania round-ups.
Saw this on Pats Propaganda; some intrepid artiste at Macleod Cartoons made this beauty, which might be the most honest piece f fan art / humor related to Tebowtime all week.
How I’ve gone as long as I have without seeing the genius of SAD TOM BRADY is beyond me (props to @eganmike for turning me on to it). This pic is perfect for this weekend’s affairs.
So much has been made of “Tebowing” that Pats fans have felt the need to craft a response...and it’s fahkin’ awesome; GRONKING. Where instead of genuflecting on a knee in prayer you pose as if you’re about to GRONK-SMASH a football spike. Toucher & Rich had people submit “Gronking” photos, and a lot of them are tremendous. My personal favorite it this (faux baby violence always kills):
Then my buddy (and “Pocket Money” editor) Scott Fisher submitted this; apparently his buddies took GRONKING next level, with someone prepped to GRONK right on top of a TEBOW. These are the kinda people I wanna buy beers for, be friends with (no homo) and am glad In can call fellow Patspeople.
For lest we forget: GRONKING > TEBOWING
Speaking on New England’s new favoritest sports icon...local cartoonist Chip O’Reilly (great name, right?) dropped this little “carnival Gronk portrait” on my virtual doorstep...
Then this dude named “Sheep Guy” (don’t ask) whipped this little dandy up. Which gets me thinking that taking acid while drinking beer and watching highlights of the Pats while at a computer with photoshop might not be such a bad thing...
New Orleans (+4.5) over Green Bay
So I was wrong about the first game. Sue me.
Atlanta (+3) over Chicago
Not exactly a controversial call, but something tells me Chicago is going to suck diddly this year. Which is exactly the way things would go in the third act if this were an 80s movie, with preppy golden boy asshole Jay Cutler getting benched in favor of the pencil necked nerd (Jay Baruchel?) who then wins a big game and steals away Cutler’s dreamy girlfriend.
Cincinnati (+6.5) over Cleveland
The Browns looked awfully good at points last year. The Bengals were terrible last year AND they lost Carson Palmer. But wait: Carson Palmer was awful last year. Did everyone forget this? Was this whole weird trade-retirement thing some kind of genius ploy by Palmer to make it seem like he was retiring out of some weird principle or pride, and not because he, you know, can’t play anymore? Bottom line: that’s way to many points for the Browns to be giving up. See Also: Texans, Houston.
Buffalo (+6) over Kansas City
Again, too many points, even against a crappy Bills team. Matt Cassell’s banged up, the Chiefs will regress, I’d rather watch the Royals play the Sabre Printers in a charity softball tournament than watch this game, etc.
St. Louis (+5) over Philly
Plot arc for the year: Philly starts poorly, is declared a bust, then manages to grab hold of the “Me Against the World” banner despite being a pre-season favorite, and finishes strong heading into the playoffs. Book it now.
Detroit (+2) over Tampa Bay
I actually like Tampa this year, maybe more than Detroit. But Detroit’s weakness is injuries, and right now everyone’s healthy. Dominican Lou and that D-Line look awesome...
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