This site earns GFY certification. Solid football parody of this site and this other site (for those not in the know, or who haven’t been on the internet in 5 years.) IMFO it’s high-quality lowbrow fare for the huddled Massholes. Like what I did there?
Also, nice win, HUGE fahkin’ win, for the Sox on Monday, salvaging the split with the Skanks. Whiffing Grandyman, Swisher Sweets & Gayxiera in the 9th was a cause for serious Papelbonerage.
Now, what do I think about the Celtics adding Shaquille O’Neal? It’s a NFB: No Fahkin’ Brainah, especially considering that Perk’s out until us men get wallet raped by the Hallmark corporation and Rose Growers of South America (bka - Valentine’s Day.) The Celtics need a big guy off the bench, who can clear the post, bang bodies, gab some boards, throw a few down (hoops, not beers), and provide the in-the-paint presence we needed so badly in Game 7. 6 minutes away from banner #18, you don’t think Shaq’s presence wuldn’t have guaranteed duckboats and a “wolling wally”? Fahk and yeah it would have. This signifies that the Celtics are more than happy to be the oldest, stingiest, biggest, gnarliest and pain-in-your-assest team in the East. It’s not like adding Squash and King Lames. But it is a 7 fot 1 375 pound F U to the Eastern Conference and to everyone else who said the C’s were washed up after losing the FInals. Shaq’s gonna bring even more excitement. He’ll look funny standing next to Rondo. He’ll put asses in seats. He’ll love how into it Boston fans get. He’ll love playing and beating the Heat. He may be older than the actual Aristotle but Big Aristotle is a hellified signing. PLUS, now he can team up with Jermaine to form The O’Neal Boys, the hardest workingest Irish front court in all professional basketball.
I REALLY hope Shaq wears 18, just to signify what he’s helping the C’s go for (art courtesy Chris DeRoy.)
Hey, Jacoby Ellsbury’s finally back! Be gentle, ladies. And take it easy, guys. We’re not that far back on the Skanks and we’re gonna need his fragile ass and boy band looks, because...(I’m calling it; Rays are winning the East, we’re getting Wild Card - BOOM! It has been saided. Even Bill Simmons’s (@sportsguy33) bestie, JackO, (@jacko2323) said he thinks the Skanks will be in 3rd by mid-August.
TIMEKILLER EXTRORDINAIRE, ESPECIALLY FOR PEOPLE WHO GREW UP IN THE LATE 80’S/EARLY 90’S, HAD A SUPER NINTENDO AND WERE/ARE LOSERS LIKE ME - The Street Fighter 2 soundboard. Now feel like you’re going to BRA-ZIL! whenever you want. it’s so friggin’ cool. You’re welcome.
Just curious...according to Forbes, which city has 3 of the Top 10 fanbases in the MFUSA? Sure it’s a magazine I don’t read and all (like I read!), but still, 30% of the Top 10 fanbases (Spoiler Alert - keep at it, Bruins fans! Let’s go for 4 outta ten next season.) Yankees fans didn’t even crack the Top 10. That’s because Yankees Fans Suck.
Don’t forget to tune in for a retahded sorts chat with Bax & O’Brien, Thursday Aug 5th at 8 in the AM on Rock 102 FM (rock102.com for you “radio on the web").
GFY, welcome Shaq, and let’s go Sox!
And for reading this far here’s your “let’s end on a video of a dumbass getting hit by an ice cream truck” reward...
...as well as that picture of Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel into battle against Nazis that none of you asked me about. So enjoy.
That’s the only way I know how to describe this dude Chris DeRoy’s stuff. It’s friggin’ fantastic. I love shit..excuse me...STUFF like this, in this style. But when you do it for TFB, White Wes, Papi & other Boston sports favorites and legends, well, I get a little excited.
You can see this and not get excited or wanna run out and by one HOW?
You might know Chirs as the guy who does the great Toucher & Rich cast picture over at The Sports Hub. Good shit. Check out his stuff on Facebook. He doesn’t have a website yet...so email him and tell him to get the show on the road (kudos to the Boston Sports Then & Now humps for the tip-off here.) It is “wicked awesome Boston sports art” indeed.
Oh, and if you wanna buy Chris can be reached at - (considering he doesn’t seem to have awebsite I’m surprised you don’t have to page him or call an operator to place an order.)
...but he gave great villain. He helped make the Sox/Yanks rivalry what it is today as much if not more than any other figure. Oh, he was a legend, alright. And it was a drunken pleasure to root against him for all my living years.
Everyone’s favorite undersized second baseman is back with a Red Sox report that’s oversized with attitude. Mildly NSFW, for those of you who work at places that suck.
Sawxpeoples, the voting for the final spot on the All Star ballot ends today, Thursday, July 8th, at 4pm EST. And as of TOT (time of typing) that Skankee hump Nick Swisher is barely in front of Youks. Are we gonna let this happen, on our watch? FAHK and NO! Get on your digital horse, friends! Abuse the powers that MLB, the internet, and your unemployment and/or lousy boss at work have given you and DON’T STOP VOTING! Need I remind you the Skanks already have, with injuries and such factored in, approximately 27 players on this year’s All Star team? The Sox, who can’t really send anyone outside of Beltre and Papi, because everyone else is at Mass General, need Youks to go and represent for all the hard work this year’s patchwork Bad News Sox team has put in.
This is the image you pricks should be seeing once you vote...over and over again.
Don’t you let me and Youks down, you guys. We don’t wanna see the Skanks win something else at our expense, do we? DO WE? HELL FAHKIN’ NO! So let’s go ROCK THE VOTE! VOTE OR DIE! ETCETERA!
Here’s the link to vote. I can not make it any easier except by picking up your fingers and pressing them to the keys and mouse and doing this for you. I will if I have to. DON’T MAKE ME COME THERE AND VOTE FOR YOU!!!
And a psycho, with no regard for his own bodily good whatsoever. Which is what makes him a hero to all Sox fans. Maybe you’ve seen this and it’s made the rounds. I’m just seeing it for the first time. I fahkin’ love it. Chalk this one up in the “Wish I Thought Of That” category.
We really all do end up looking like winners at the end of the day. So it goes.
Welcome friends to the Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft, where two Townie News contribuors, Kippah (of the “Kippah and Brades” comics), and new GFY pal and Townie News writer Dave Deeznuts, draft a complete fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of characters from baseball movies. To me it’s one of the ultimate drunken bar room bullshit conversations of all-time. We’ve all had a beer-soaked chat like this ("If Ricky Vaughn were in the actual Major League he’d be a top 5 closer today, hands-down!"), which is what lead these two indistinguished gentlemen to flesh it out fully and draft competing teams. It’s so brilliant it hurts, like brain freeze when you order a Wendy’s Frosty and you’re so psyched to get it you drink half of it at once.
The Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft: You Fahkin’ Know When It’s Real.
The draft has a few simple rules.
--You must pick a full positional roster along with 4 Pitchers (3 Starters, 1 Closer), a DH, Manager and mascot.
--You can not draft more than 2 players from any 1 movie.
--All players must be fictional...no real ballplayers (dead or alive).
And now, without further ado or other fancy words that mean hub-bub or bullshit, let’s get it on! The newest contributor, Dave Deeznuts, has the first pick.
Dave Deeznuts
1. Roy Hobbs - OF - The Natural
Well, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was.
As “Natural” as a first pick gets, Hobbs is simply the greatest fake hitter of all time. Missed over 95% of his career lamenting the sexing of a mysterious flapper he met on a train, so you know he’s fresh. A lefty slugger who can pitch in a pinch, at the plate he’s like Ted Williams if you replace the smug sense of entitlement and self satisfaction with a wisdom that oozes sentimental perspective. According to Pop, who was his agent or pimp, Hobbs threw seven no hitters in the Sabataw Valley league. Seven? So he was your basic Babe Ruth – Sandy Koufax combo. The man looking for the “one more day in the sun” plays through pain, and I’m not talking about a balky groin, or even Balki’s groin. I’m talking silver-bullet-in-the stomach pain. Bleeding through a wool shirt pain. A gamer, he even won over Wilford Brimley, and he was a bridge stanchion of a man. Bill Simmons estimated Hobbs’ stats for his season with the New York Knights would have been as follows:
G AB R H BB K HR RBI AVG OBP SLG
115 400 92 140 75 85 44 106 .350 .447 .750
A 1.197 OPS? Not even the evil Barbara Hershey or Joe Don Baker could stop that. With his dramatic destruction of various luminescence he’s done more damage to the green movement than Deep Horizon.
Note: I know the league weighed and checked Wonderboy but did they give the same attention to the Savoy Special? I love that awkward fat kid anyways.
One of baseball moviekind’s great unanswered questions: Whatever happened to Bobby Savoy?
Kippah:
2. Kelly Leak- OF- Bad News Bears
No matter who had first pick he was always #1 on my depth chart. Not only was he a feared hitter with no respect for authority…but he also smoked butts, rode a Harley, stole a Van, drove to Houston, reconnected with his father, and assisted in my all-time favorite sports movie moment, “LET THEM PLAY!” FYI Bad News Bears 3 in Japan never happened. You can build a team around Leak. He can take over a game on the field or at the plate and shows extreme loyalty to his Manager Morris Buttermaker…Example: When Buttermaker asks him to go after every ball in the California Little League semi-finals, Leak does so without hesitation (much to the chagrin of fellow outfielders Rudy Stein and Ahmed Abdul Rahim). Plain and simple, Leak wants to win and will do so by any means necessary.
