ARE YOU READY FOR SOME PRETEND FOOTBALL?!?!?

(LOLPats)

If there’s a preseason game that means anything it’s game 3, when the starters ("Dude, they’re gonna play the stahtahz for like 3 quahtahz!") play deep into the game and give us the closest thing to a glimpse into what our team might...MIGHT...look like.  Not that Belichick would ever give us a genuine glimpse into what he’s got up his sleeve for the season.  Does he wanna release the Kraken and let the D chase the opponent’s QB all season, a complete reversal of seasons past?  Is this attacking aggressive D (a fave of your mom) just a decoy to lure teams into thinking it’ll be a one-note D from the Pats?  Highly fahkin’ doubt that.  Who knows?  Belichick would be the best poker player ever, because even with shitty cards he wins money.  He may not always take home the World Series of Poker trophy equivalent in football (the VLT, of course), but damn he plays the off-suit 2-7 he gets dealt like a champ.  Except now we think he may have some pocket aces with the badass offense and the rising D (I know!  I know!).  So here are a coupla things I’m excited to see tonight...

TFB...always.  Freaky Fahkin’ Sidenote Alert! - Check out how fahkin’ funny KSK’s Tom Brady as White Michael Vick is (in mock of that stoopid fahkin’ ESPN White Michael Vick article)...holy shit this is creepy and will stay in my head like Pennywise the Clown!



The running backs - I wanna see The Lawfirm show everyone he’s ready to next level his shit buy going right after Suh behind the line, cuz I think BJGE is set for a HFS: huge fahkin’ season.  PLUS, we might see the debut of Shane Vereen, who’s been int he doghouse due to injury and may wanna show Lord Hoodie that his speed to burn is reason enough to get him some snaps (It’s always tough to say “snaps” unironically, even when talking football, just sayin’...)

The Tight Ends - Time to get Gronktastic and let the The Big Gronkowski show opponents what they need to worry about this seaosn; 2 all-pro tight ends on the field at any given time.  And one of them also wants to do a cannonball in your pool, drink your beer and fuck your wife.  GRONK IT UP, BABY!



THE BEEF CURTAIN! - Will we finally get to see Haynesworth the Horrible and Big Shaun Ellis in action, applying pressure and sending Matt Stafford running for his fragile and oft-injured life?  Will they chase the Qb like Aretha Franklin chases carrot cake?  Will they begina 5-month spree of keeping O-line coaches up like Jolt cola and crystal meth?  I hope so.  Just gimme a taste tonight, coach.  We don’t wanna see the whole package! (hey now!) Just get em out there for a few plays and show us what we will live and die for every given Sunday this fall (into winter in Indy).

The Pats - Dood, fake or not, pretend of for realzies, it’s football.  There’s a hurricane (supposedly) coming our way.  And we’re all supposed to batton down the hatches (whatever that means), buy all the bread/water/milk/flashlight batteries we can handle, I guess so we can make Battery Souffle.  And so what better way to spend a Saturday in a storm that drinking beer you were smart enough to buy in advance, and eating pizza you ordered before the rain, as a courtesy to the college burnout driver who doesn’t wanna be there as much as you wouldn’t either, while watching the Pats, in any incarnation.  I can’t think of a better way.  I’m ready.  I’ll be on the Twittah all night if you wanna bullshit.  With pizza, flashlight batteries, milk, my GRONK shirt...and beer from my store. S"GO PATS!



I know, I know...the jokes write themselves here.