Yup, He’s Foulke’d

The bizarro journey to decency, awesomeness and ultimately disgruntled mediocrity that is the career of Keith Foulke has come to an end today. Word has it that Foulke, a hero of the 2004 Sox World Series run, has decided to retire from the Cleveland Indians because he feels pain in his throwing elbow, which is only kinda-sorta important to being a Major League pitcher, and rather than rehab, go through surgery or get a bionic extension, the man some call "Foulkey" has decided to call it quits. And I for one am glad.

Why would I be glad that Queer as Foulke is riding his Texas chopper into the sunset and not continuing to pitch? He doesn't play for the Sox anymore, so why should I give a fat lunchlady's mid-morning shit? Because I was tired of not liking or being displeased with a guy who was at one point a borderline Boston sports pantheon kinda guy. Seems we all are a little quick to forget that above and beyond maybe any other player on the 2004 Bloody Sox, Foulke was THE MAN. It was not too long ago that Foulke was this...


...and not what we came to think of him in the two years after the series, which was this...


Sadly, in the '05 and '06 seasons Foulke was way more famous for his deep south dipstick "Johnny from Burger King" remark than he was for being THE GUY WHO PITCHED THE FINAL INNING AND GOT THE FINAL OUT IN THE FAHKIN' SOX FIRST WORLD SERIES WIN IN 86 FAHKIN' YEARS!!! Just because Foulke might be a chicken-fried nimrod doesn't mean he wasn't lights-out fantastic for the Sox in '04. Dood, come on! You know he deserved World Series MVP. The guy pitched in every game, had a tiny ERA, got the win in Game 1, and had the one save that defeated them all in Game 4! If for nothing else maybe they should have given it to him for his work against the Skanks in the ALCS Olympian Comeback. For all we know he pitched so friggin' much, and threw so friggin' hard, that he Foulke'd himself. We all know he was never the same after 2004. Sad But true, Metallica.

So now what? Do you just say, "I don't care. He wasn't pitching for the Sox this year, and I'm all about Dice K. Whatevah!", or maybe, "Ballz! I was looking forward to the Sox blowing him up in Cleveland like the roof of the Nakatomi Plaza." Tits No! It's time to put down your snack, tip your cap, raise your beer(s) and give Foulke a hearty end-of-"Lucas" round of applause. He was a member of the World Series Sox, a really important if not Top 5 Important member, and we may not have the memories without him. Regardless of the country crock horseshit we heard the last two years, were there no Foulke in 2004 then we may still be hearing "19-18!", "The Curse of the Bambino", and our male family members swearing like army generals in front of the TV because "The Sox nevah win fahkin' shit!" Well, that ain't true anymore, and Foulke was one of the big reasons why. So yes, it is now officially time to drop "Johnny from Burger King", the blown saves (4th of July, 2005 anyone?), countless wall-balls and mile-long ding-dongs of the past two seasons, and start remembering Foulkey more for moments like this...


Admit it. It kinda still gives you man-goosebumps, right?
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VIDEO: Super Bowl Recap & Anna Nicole

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Fitzy…TO GO!

At The Townie News we are all about meeting the demands of our fans, customers and loansharks. So, in response to an increasing demand for some sort of portable Fitzy we now semi-proudly offer downloadable versions of all our videos, officially dubbed "Fitzy to Go". It's takeout food version, or so adorably dubbed "Curbside Takeaway" by Outback Steakhouse, for a new digital generation.


At first we were working on one of those adorable 12-inch dolls with a pullstring in the back, but parental focus groups weren't so keen on their kids taking a toy to school with them that said "Go fuck yourself!", "Get me a beer you stupid hump!", and "What are you, retarded?!" Me? I thought it would have been huge - move over Tickle-Me-Elmo, here comes Go Fahk Yerself Fitzy!

Anyway, now you can download my videos to your computer, shove 'em up your iTunes, cockrock 'em on your iPod - whatever. Just know that we wanted to make it easier for you to show your friends what kind of taste and class you have, that you would have a video of some drunken bum from Billerica on your mp3 player, swearing up a shitstorm over sports and movies. You'll be the envy of all your friends. Trust me - one of my videos beats the shit outta somebody watching some gayass Fall Out Boy video.


They totally wish they had Fitzy To Go. Well, now you do. That's why you rock, and they don't.

So get your "Fitzy To Go" today and show everyone in the world, on a 2.5 inch LCD screen, why you are so much more awesomer...er than they are. (In AOL "Goodbye!" voice) GFY!
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Anna Nicole Smith Just Ate It

See what happens when Peyton Manning wins the Super Bowl!

Wait...some of you may think this not such a sad thing. OK, scratch that whole Peyton thing. But Anna Nicole just forced several jizzhead comedians, entertainment "journalists" and lonely housewives across the country to find something else to talk about. Hey, I have an idea. How about ONLY 8 DAYS TILL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT!!!

RIP Anna Nicole. Fare thee well, Hiawatha. Fare thee well.


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RADIO: Fitzy on 100.7FM WZLX

Check me out on the Karlson & McKenzie Show. Click HERE to download the MP3.
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That Shirt

So, seems alot of you have been asking about that awesome, almost so awesome it's too beautiful to look at Big Papi silhouette t-shirt I wore in my last video. I've been receiving more emails and messages about that than if I ripped off my shirt and displayed a freaky sun ring pierced through my black nipple!
I'll give you a moment to clean off the vomit and tidbit-filled saliva off your keyboard and/or monitor. And to think in SB 38 he was enemy of the state after that boob surprise. And last Sunday he was wall-humping Scarlett Johanssen. Damn you, Mr. Timberlake. From Hell's heart I stab at thee!

Anyway...said shirt, which has Papi in an "Air Jordan" kind of silhouette, bears a striking resemblance to this game-winning magnificence (and yes, if you have a sports chub right now that is perferctly acceptable and totally not gay)...

Well, that shirt can be bought from my buddy Kevin at Supahfans. It's a site full of all these original Boston, Masshole and New England sports garb. You know, the kinda stuff that kicks ass and has your friends asking, "Not to be totally 'mo but where did you get that shirt? I've never seen it before and I can't take my eyes off it!" He sells that shit. And if you're one of those people who only owns stuff from that overpriced humphouse of a gift shop across from Fenway then you need to visit his online shop and get with the fahkin' program.

Also - he told me he's looking to rename the shirt. Right now he calls it "DH", but that's far from fitting for a uniform any Sox fan would wear into battle. Calling it "DH" would be like the PA announcer at Foxboro screaming during pregame introductions, "And at quarterback, number 12...Some Guy!" A coupla names I had for it..."Clutch" - "Bottom 9/2 Out" - "Holy Shit He Did It Again!"...I dunno, just some thoughts. Give Kevin a shout and tell him what you'd call the shirt I plan on wearing all season long until it becomes like my skin and I have to insert myself into the washing mashine to get it clean.
OK, back to the lab, gotta get finish my next video and remember to take my next dose of BrainWash to help rid my memory of Janet Jackson's wrinkled spacenip. Good day and GFY!
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VIDEO: Super Bowl XLI

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VIDEO: AFC Championship Recap, Pt. 2

WARNING! Wicked NSFW Language, dood!

Fitzy To Go: To download this week's episode click HERE
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VIDEO: AFC Championship Recap, Pt. 1

WARNING! Wicked NSFW Language, dood!

To download this week's episode click HERE
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VIDEO: Pats vs. Colts AFC Championship

WARNING! Wicked NSFW Language, dood!

Fitzy To Go: To download this week's episode click HERE
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