MuthaF***in’ Lil’ Dusty’s Red Sox Report

Everyone’s favorite undersized second baseman is back with a Red Sox report that’s oversized with attitude.  Mildly NSFW, for those of you who work at places that suck.



BEWARE THE LASER SHOW!

Fitzy Reacts To…Lebron & More!

Youks Can Do This, Sawxfans!

Sawxpeoples, the voting for the final spot on the All Star ballot ends today, Thursday, July 8th, at 4pm EST.  And as of TOT (time of typing) that Skankee hump Nick Swisher is barely in front of Youks. Are we gonna let this happen, on our watch?  FAHK and NO!  Get on your digital horse, friends!  Abuse the powers that MLB, the internet, and your unemployment and/or lousy boss at work have given you and DON’T STOP VOTING!  Need I remind you the Skanks already have, with injuries and such factored in, approximately 27 players on this year’s All Star team?  The Sox, who can’t really send anyone outside of Beltre and Papi, because everyone else is at Mass General, need Youks to go and represent for all the hard work this year’s patchwork Bad News Sox team has put in.



This is the image you pricks should be seeing once you vote...over and over again.

Don’t you let me and Youks down, you guys.  We don’t wanna see the Skanks win something else at our expense, do we?  DO WE?  HELL FAHKIN’ NO!  So let’s go ROCK THE VOTE!  VOTE OR DIE!  ETCETERA!

Here’s the link to vote. I can not make it any easier except by picking up your fingers and pressing them to the keys and mouse and doing this for you.  I will if I have to.  DON’T MAKE ME COME THERE AND VOTE FOR YOU!!!

This Guy’s A Genius

And a psycho, with no regard for his own bodily good whatsoever.  Which is what makes him a hero to all Sox fans.  Maybe you’ve seen this and it’s made the rounds.  I’m just seeing it for the first time.  I fahkin’ love it.  Chalk this one up in the “Wish I Thought Of That” category.



We really all do end up looking like winners at the end of the day.  So it goes.

The Townie News Ultimate Fantasy Baseball Movie Character Draft

Welcome friends to the Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft, where two Townie News contribuors, Kippah (of the “Kippah and Brades” comics), and new GFY pal and Townie News writer Dave Deeznuts, draft a complete fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of characters from baseball movies.  To me it’s one of the ultimate drunken bar room bullshit conversations of all-time.  We’ve all had a beer-soaked chat like this ("If Ricky Vaughn were in the actual Major League he’d be a top 5 closer today, hands-down!"), which is what lead these two indistinguished gentlemen to flesh it out fully and draft competing teams.  It’s so brilliant it hurts, like brain freeze when you order a Wendy’s Frosty and you’re so psyched to get it you drink half of it at once.



The Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft: You Fahkin’ Know When It’s Real.

The draft has a few simple rules.

--You must pick a full positional roster along with 4 Pitchers (3 Starters, 1 Closer), a DH, Manager and mascot.

--You can not draft more than 2 players from any 1 movie.

--All players must be fictional...no real ballplayers (dead or alive).

And now, without further ado or other fancy words that mean hub-bub or bullshit, let’s get it on!  The newest contributor, Dave Deeznuts, has the first pick.

Dave Deeznuts

1.  Roy Hobbs - OF - The Natural




Well, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was.

As “Natural” as a first pick gets, Hobbs is simply the greatest fake hitter of all time.  Missed over 95% of his career lamenting the sexing of a mysterious flapper he met on a train, so you know he’s fresh.  A lefty slugger who can pitch in a pinch, at the plate he’s like Ted Williams if you replace the smug sense of entitlement and self satisfaction with a wisdom that oozes sentimental perspective.  According to Pop, who was his agent or pimp, Hobbs threw seven no hitters in the Sabataw Valley league. Seven?  So he was your basic Babe Ruth – Sandy Koufax combo.  The man looking for the “one more day in the sun” plays through pain, and I’m not talking about a balky groin, or even Balki’s groin.  I’m talking silver-bullet-in-the stomach pain.  Bleeding through a wool shirt pain.  A gamer, he even won over Wilford Brimley, and he was a bridge stanchion of a man. Bill Simmons estimated Hobbs’ stats for his season with the New York Knights would have been as follows:

G    AB   R    H    BB  K    HR  RBI   AVG   OBP   SLG

115 400   92 140  75   85   44   106 .350 .447 .750

A 1.197 OPS?  Not even the evil Barbara Hershey or Joe Don Baker could stop that.  With his dramatic destruction of various luminescence he’s done more damage to the green movement than Deep Horizon. 

Note:  I know the league weighed and checked Wonderboy but did they give the same attention to the Savoy Special?  I love that awkward fat kid anyways.



One of baseball moviekind’s great unanswered questions: Whatever happened to Bobby Savoy?

Kippah:

2. Kelly Leak- OF- Bad News Bears



No matter who had first pick he was always #1 on my depth chart.  Not only was he a feared hitter with no respect for authority…but he also smoked butts, rode a Harley, stole a Van, drove to Houston, reconnected with his father, and assisted in my all-time favorite sports movie moment, “LET THEM PLAY!” FYI Bad News Bears 3 in Japan never happened.  You can build a team around Leak.  He can take over a game on the field or at the plate and shows extreme loyalty to his Manager Morris Buttermaker…Example: When Buttermaker asks him to go after every ball in the California Little League semi-finals, Leak does so without hesitation (much to the chagrin of fellow outfielders Rudy Stein and Ahmed Abdul Rahim).  Plain and simple, Leak wants to win and will do so by any means necessary.

Here’s The Truth…

Paul Pierce agrees to ending-career-with-Celtics-and-more-cap-friendly 4 year/$61 million deal. NICE NICE BABY!



Yeah, here’s where everyone can come get some this season!  And for many more seasons to come.  Now we just need to get Shuttlesworth back in the fold, and a coupla key free agents...

Also, for your listening displeasure, here’s this week’s Fitzy Sports Round-Up on The Bax and O’Brien Show.  Another of the many reasons why we told England to stuff it 234 years ago.

Fitzy Talks Celtics And Pedroia With Bax And O’Brien On Rock 102

Click HERE for a listen, folks.

Poetic Justice At Its Finest

It’s a contemporary version of killing two birds with one stone, except this is hitting two douchebags with one ball; a Yankee fan AND someone on their phone at a baseball game.  Nice work, Big Man Upstairs.  Nice work.

Oh, and as a “Thank You” for stopping by please enjoy the greatest musical to never hit the stage.  Get your ass to Mars!

Little Help Here, Folks?

Yeah, Hi everyone.  Yeah, I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m dealing with the decline of The Big 3 v 2.0, Ray Allen being a free agent, coach Doc Rivers possibly retiring to spend more time with his kids (Doc, no!  Don’t!  It’s not worth it!  You can love them more from a distance!  They’ll only disappoint you in-person!  Trust me!) And now Paul Pierce has opted out of his contract, leaving a check for $21.5 million Celtics (little green guys, get it?  Heh...) to try and test free agency and see how much more money he can squeeze out of his basketball days.  Oh, and I’m doing all this just after the NBA Draft, which came just on the heels of losing the NBA Finals to the Lakers in 7 games, by 4 points, after holding THE GODDAMN LEAD FOR THE FIRST 41 EFFING MINUTES!  SOMEBODY SHOOT ME IN THE D-HOLE, THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH TO TAKE!  I’D RATHER HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK THAN HANDLE ALL THIS SHIT THIS WEEK!

Ah-hem.  Excuse me.  Lost my composure there for a second.  Soooo, yeah, if you guys could cut me some slack or anyone wants to lend a hand in the next few weeks then that would be great. Yeah, thanks!

Fitzy Sees Kobe On The Cover of Sports Illustrated

Admit it, Celtics fans; you thought about doing the same thing too.