I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. When I’m bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I can cook 20 minute brownies in 5 minutes and my clothes are always ironed. I once Witnessed a midget cleaning a port a toilet at a bran factory in Cuba. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I sleep once a week, and when I do sleep it’s in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I participate in full contact origami. I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail. I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.