Damn, this video, just like this bloggage, is long overdue. Who’d have thought it would take almost a week after the regular season ended for someone to come up with some certified-fresh, Grade-A Gronk porn? Because if there’s anyone who had the highlights, who maintains our interest, who prompts the cheers, who is legend-in-making (just read on from Sunday’s Globe)...really, TFB is the god but Gronk is a Titan of the first order and has become such a fan favorite, such a national attraction, such an icon...wouldn’t surprise me if his bronze statue of him GRONKing out front of Gillette is erected before Brady’s (no sacrilege intended). Irregardless, enjoy this highlightacular...and look forward to more Pats pron coming this week, both from other Pats-friendly sources, as well as yours truly and Team Townie News videos.
The football this weekend is such a low dose of methadone to the sweet sweet hit of premium heroin that will be next Saturday night’s game. Sure, it’s classless to compare a Pats playoff game to a lethal, addictive drug...but isn’t that kinda what they are, especially to the obsessive ridiculous manchild types like us? Right...anyhoopers, I’ve been jonesing all week. And while it’s nice to watch this weekend, get some football in, gauge the potential opponents next Saturday (cough - PITT), I just am itching. I can’t wait. And I’m gonna go out on a limb now and say I think they win and win convincingly. I’ll detail why in coming days, but it’s more than just a fahkin’ hunch. Brady’s motivation and drive...Belichick’s focus...O’Brien’s want to prove himself, even after his new hire, and the return of Joshy McD (a total no-brainah of a slam dunk and a gift of a move, after Xmas and all)...things, even with ur melted cream cheese frosting D, are lining up. Don’t call me a Black Eyed Pea, but I got a feeling...
(LOLPATS pic in the house)
Hey, all the luck in the world, Billy O. Who knew shouting at TFB would get somebody a bigtime gig, albeit one almost as toxic as Fukushima, as Penn State? Sure, nobody wants to touch that with a 10-ft Sandusky, but go get ‘em, pal! And eff Lavar Arrington and his big mouth. You don’t need him and his support. And neither did I (wink-wink).
Alright...enjoy the rest of your consumption, viewing and pre-Pats-playoff posturing, peoples. It’s gonna be a HFW: huge fahkin’ week around these parts. Send us your pics of what’s going on and what you’re wearing of ours...GFYs always welcome...and watch ut for some sweetass videos. Yes, videoS. Plural. It’s the playoffs. This is what we do. it’s our job. We like to do our job.
Our boy Bugsy Segal helping Billy O’Brien take out the trash so he can fcus on his job before trying to resurrect PSU.
GFY and let’s go Pats!!!
GFY pal Nicole Corliss-Williams is ready. Are you?
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
As we begin wishing ne and all a Merry Patsmas, hearty Happy Holidays and Bestest Wishes for a Merry Christmas to both the Houston Texans and, of all teams, the Indianapolis Colts, for delivering exactly what I wanted as a Christmas Eve Eve Eve gift. Houston shitting the bed at the site of SB 46 all but tells me that they’re not a true contender for the title, and even more so clears the path for the Pats. Sure, they control their own destiny, win out and it’s all you. But now a win this Sunday all but locks up the #1 seed. So all that stands in our way of retracing ur steps from last year, and then setting about righting those wrongs, isa rejuvenated Reggie Bush and the 230 pounds of crazy that is Brandon Marshall. Well, an interesting fahkin’ Xmas eve this should be.
Yeah, they say it’s better to give than receive, but that’s hot-frosted horseshit on the football field. The Pats haven’t been giving away at all lately. And cutting the turnovers way doen has surprisingly lead to - get this - a bunch of fahkin’ wins! And who do you enjoy seeing receive more than New England’s own megarockstarsupericonmanbeast, THE GRONK. People have gotten so into him that now Gronking is something people talk about almost as much as Tebowing (again, if I need remind you: Gronking > Tebowing). And so whenever someone pointed out that there’s a site dedicated to Gronking, well, let’s just say my sugarplums began dancing, and not just in my head. I have to craft a quality entry and submit before playoff time. Your ideas are welcome, and good ones might be stolen
This guy’s about to Gronk the shit out of his girlfriend!
Oh, and even though we’re long since over Tebowing, and he’s not even a blip on our radar, a floater in our deuce bowl, I would like to share a pic that I just received from last weekend. Sandi Winegrad Siegal, in addition to being a hot mama (we’ve long -since moved on past MILF, people), is a dedicated die-ahrd Pats fan with a sense of humor. For she was made sure to reward Santa for giving her what she wanted, a Pats win in Denver, with a satirical gesture of her own. I think I have a little boy crush on a 2nd grade teacher kinda love for this woman.
THAT is the true mark of a champion. That he had to get it in “Tramp Stamp font” is even better. And also...is this dood wearing a fahkin’ diaper. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
It was done. And it was at times glorious, and brutal (especially that 1st quarter - “Send in the cream cheese unit, coach!") But I’m more in the holiday season “Horay for us!” and not so much the “They can suck it!” mode. Believe it or not.
This is how I choose to celebrate last weekend’s win; TFB-style. (pic from LOLPats folks)
As we turn the page from this Sunday’s biblical win over Rocky Mountain Touchdown Jesus & Co., I don’t take the kind of delight in having un-deified and demystified Tebow that I thought I would have. Well, not entirely, though some might have enjoyed shutting up the biblical bandwagon JUST a bit...
If there’s someone on TV who plays football and they’ve pissed you off, and then they get theirs, leave it to Bugsy Segal to show them some GFY courtesy.
Now, onto...well, OK, one more...
OK, we’re moving on...maybe I didn’t get into the “We defeated Jesus!” / “Down with Tebowmania!” / “Where’s your god now?” madness mostly because I’m just so damn happy that a Pats team I thought was close to dead and maybe even heading to their own footbal funeral in The Dreadownlands back in November, is now (once again..ho-hum) AFC FAHKIN’ EAST CHAMPS! And I say “ho-hum” in jest I appreciate every title, every “hat & shirt game”, every TFB start, touchdown and drop-back as much as I do every beer; I don’t know which one will be my last, so I love the shit out of them all. Look at this rag-tag Bad News Bears of football (at least on the D) shit-squad. Somehow ("I’ll take Brady & the Offense Are Carrying This Team for $400, Alex") they did it again. And I’m not gonna get on that “One and Done” horse now, or ever. Nope! Uh-uh. Fahk that! Somehow, some way, I think this gridiron goofsquad that masquerades as a professional defense will come through...a bit. Enough to avoid a disaster ike Jan 15th 2011...may I never mention that fuckshow of a day again. NOW, as for the offense...
They were in rare form a Mile High last weekend, and we know they’re gonna have to carry us to The Promised Land...or at least past the 1st fahkin’ round. TFB is killing it these days. If I may say I think he kinda is back in MVP form. Who’s to say he hasn’t played as well or better than Aaron Rodgers? NOT ME! And not these dudes (again, ladies please feel free to send in pics of your lovely selves in our shirts), who wear their mancrush with pride! Like Chris Pollone...
Or Derek Schenk, who went full-blown Townie News outside the stadium, a GFY koozie complimenting his fine-ass BRADY shirt (he wants to lead our “BRADY across America” campaign, so send your pics in!)
As for some other things & stuff ‘n junk worth reading or watching...
“We’re moving on to Miami” as Lord Hoodie would say. Courtesy of PatsPropaganda.com check out the highlights from Week 1, a game I delighted in attending in-fahkin-person. Remember when Welkah scored a99-yard touchdown?
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a reasonably big, well-covered, over-hyped football game being played in Denver tomorrow. Yes, THE TEBOWL is at hand. And there’s only been a weeee bit of coverage surrounding it. Many websites have done their enjoyable Tebowmania round-ups.
Saw this on Pats Propaganda; some intrepid artiste at Macleod Cartoons made this beauty, which might be the most honest piece f fan art / humor related to Tebowtime all week.
How I’ve gone as long as I have without seeing the genius of SAD TOM BRADY is beyond me (props to @eganmike for turning me on to it). This pic is perfect for this weekend’s affairs.
So much has been made of “Tebowing” that Pats fans have felt the need to craft a response...and it’s fahkin’ awesome; GRONKING. Where instead of genuflecting on a knee in prayer you pose as if you’re about to GRONK-SMASH a football spike. Toucher & Rich had people submit “Gronking” photos, and a lot of them are tremendous. My personal favorite it this (faux baby violence always kills):
Then my buddy (and “Pocket Money” editor) Scott Fisher submitted this; apparently his buddies took GRONKING next level, with someone prepped to GRONK right on top of a TEBOW. These are the kinda people I wanna buy beers for, be friends with (no homo) and am glad In can call fellow Patspeople.
For lest we forget: GRONKING > TEBOWING
Speaking on New England’s new favoritest sports icon...local cartoonist Chip O’Reilly (great name, right?) dropped this little “carnival Gronk portrait” on my virtual doorstep...
Then this dude named “Sheep Guy” (don’t ask) whipped this little dandy up. Which gets me thinking that taking acid while drinking beer and watching highlights of the Pats while at a computer with photoshop might not be such a bad thing...
Oh yee of little faith who didn’t believe we’d deliver a webcast from upon high onto thee before Sunday’s showdown of biblical and Belichickian proportions.
Sorry, Tebowners! This video is NSFW. Now, please enjoy, then resume your regularly scheduled Pats @ Tebowtown hypeapalooza, already in progress.
OK you humps...it’s been a while, but that holly-jolly giving-type Christmas kinda spirit (along with football fever and some well-dosed egg nog-age) has us back in “Caption Contest” mode. This is where you give us your best attempt at making something funny, and the entry we deem funniest/stupidest/inappropriatest wins a kickass shirt. So it’s like you can give yourself a Christmas present just for talking football and being a dick How cool is that?
Anyhoodles...the best caption for the pic below wins this shirt, courtesy of our pals at SUPAHFANS.COM: The Brady/Welker 2012.
It’s a size XL, so if it won’t fit you then find a buddy and be a holiday hero. Or just get fatter and fit into it (or slim down...whatever - you make the fahkin’ call!) This sweetass shirt goes to the person who makes the funniest caption / thought bubble / poster / whatever (think what those jackasses over at LOLPats.tumblr.com do for inspiration) from this pic:
Think wildly, wickedly, outta your mom’s box...come up with something devilish and dicky...I know you can do it. To make your entry you can use whatever program or website you prefer. We like:
Quickmeme.com
http://wigflip.com/roflbot/
http://cheezburger.com/Builder
Send either the pic, or your link, but not your dink, to: . And please feel free to tweet some to me (@fitzygfy) or post them on the Facebok page (facebook.com/fitzygfy) too. The contest ends at Noon O’Clock Saturday (and yes, that’s eastern time, you asshats!) We’ll announce the winner here. 2 runners-up will win GFY koozie & sticker packs. And everyone else can suck it. Sound good?
And who says Fitzy Claus doesn’t give back?
Alright...get to it. And GFY! Now back to trying to squeak out a Pats/Broncos webcast before kickoff Sunday...
Hey, I dunno if you guys heard or not, but I think there’s a game of interest between the Pats and the uh, umm...wait...oh yeah, the Broncos this Sunday. Some guy is their QB, keeps winning games in the last coupla minutes, real holy ghost powered Hail Mary kinda stuff.
Good lord (Oops! Sorry Tebow...), I almost wanna thank TFB and Billy O for having their little man-fight on the sidelines Sunday just so the Tebowmania didn’t kick into full blown media madness come Monday morning. At least there was something else to talk about / make a bigger deal about than need be, for like a day or so. And BTW - if you haven’t re-watched their post-INT dust-up then I highly recommend giving this Deadspin link a click. I always love seeing TFB get fired up, but in this case to see him misplace the blame for an atrocious pick on House Party & the WR’s coach, only to then have his OC go shithouse on him? Loved it. Ol’ Tommy Boy was projecting there. Shoulda been mad at himself. Took it out on others (you know, kinda like mom & dad always do at the house). And O’Brien defended his guys and wanted nothing to do with Brady’s histrionics. Kinda cool to see some in-fighting, so non-Patriot Way ways. Shit, considering what they do and what they go through they need to hit the RELEASE button on the steam valve from time to time. PLUS, you can’t just let Brady, who IS the team, always think he IS the team. Other guys care, and they’ll fight and bite back. I liked it. And that O’rien got a call from his mom saying to watch his language? PERFECT! It’s great theater...and it takes some attention off the defense and their, umm, “entertaining performance” as well.”
NO SHIT!
In other Patriots type newsings and musings...this GRONK fellow, he seems pretty good. (even the NFL Network is calling him “Super Gronk” now). 15 TDs so far? He could set the 2-season record for most TDs by a receiver. He has 25 through his first 29 games. ‘Tis not a man. ‘Tis a touchdown-making machine!
As for the game this Sunday...well, here’s one way to look at it; by and large it seems America, or at least American football fans chock ful of envy, love to hate on the Patriots. And now, Tim Tebow is becoming the great American sports story (that can’t complete a 15-yard out). He’s the American idol/idyll/ideal. People are swept up in Tebowmania. So you’ll have a lot of people who already love to root against Pretty Boy & the Pats, and are fascinated with Tebow Time, rallying their troops against us. On the other side, cynics LOVE to root against Tebow, and for a number of reasons. I don’t hate on him. I marvel at how everyone chokes in the end and he does JUST enough to win. After playing like holy horseshit for the first 50 to 55 minutes. Like it’s all been pre-destined, and he’s a Chosen One. Hmm..ANYWAY...cynics love to root against him. Therefore making us the default team. And the Raiders and Chargers fans will be forced to rot for us too, for obvious playoff implications. SO, to summate, Sunday it’ll be:
America & Broncos Fans & Tebow maniacs - For Denver
Cynics & Pats/Raiders/Chargers - For New England
FWIFW (for what it’s fahkin’ worth) - The always entertaining Jerry Thornton, the only really readable writer type at Barstool, has a nice take on Brady versus Tebow. I know who my gods are, and I have to say I love being the underdog. Wait! Isn’t Tebow the underdog. Is he NOT the NFL’s David, armed only with a mechanically-poor slingshot, going up against the Goliath that is the doubting NFL, lead by its poster child, Tom Fahkin’ Brady? Christ on a cracker, this is great stuff. Sorry, NBC, you should seen this coming and flexed the shit out of this game.
Last coupla somethings or whatevers...
You people are buying up THE GRONK like people shop for bread, water & booze before a hurricane. I LOVE IT! Make sure to get your orders in ASAMFP so we can get ‘em out for Christmas, Hannukah, your parties, Yankee swaps and such. If we had shelves we couldn’t keep this shirt on them. But we don’t! We have a pile of boxes in a room...and they keep going empty because you guys buy all THE GRONK shirts. Nice work. And here’s anther satisfied customer...with a real Annie Lebowitz touch on the self-portrait.
And finally, I’m off to the lab to do a re-dub video. Then get rolling on a webcast (like I can let a goldmine like Brady vs. Tebow go by without having 3-5 minutes of inapropriateness to say?). In the interim, enjoy this kick-ass video made by my buddy Erik. If you’re a fan of rap ("that rap music” --your mom), the show “Boardwalk Empire”, or satire, then I think it’ll be real easy for you to get behind “Boardwalk Empire State Of Mind”.
And if you didn’t like that I’ll give you 2 options...
“The ideal quarterback is...Tom Brady.” Bet that had to hurt saying, eh T-Sizzle!
CLICK HERE to watch some NFL Films produced glorious Brady Porn, up-to-date and fresh for your Foxboro football eyes. Yeah, still kinda sort of a fan.
And now the bonus...for those of you who hate the Jets as much as love laughing at them, and good sports comedy, then please do take delight in this dandy fahkin’ clip from The Onion’s new “PTI” parody, “Get Out Of My Face”. There’s just so much to love about this I don’t know where to begin. But Sanchize deriders and Jets haters alike will really dig the goods later in the clip. And me? I think as soon as I post this I’ll just go back and watch it, and the Brady Porn, again.
...Seeing as me talking hockey is like playing the outfield on stilts with a frying pan for a glove, I offer something I know something about; drinking and getting caught doing it on-camera.
Now that’s how you do it (nice snag by The Stool). Boring game. Your team’s losing. WHAM! Whip. It. Out. And. Get. It. On. Wonder if that was Tyler Seguin’s dad?
OK, I’ll stop talking hockey now before my pucking awful hockey knowledge shows it’s pimple covered mullet-haired head.
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