As I make my way into the heart of darkness that is outside Radio City Music Hall today, where I anticipate a lot of football-busting tonight with Giants, Jets and so much other untamed fankind, I thought perhaps a quick look back on all the videos we’ve made over the years might be a good time. Or at least a chance to not think about the Bruins getting knocked out in the 1st round, or how shitty the Sox bullpen is. Plus it gives me a chance to re-watch and try not to repeat jokes! So enjoy, and GFY. Videos reposted in chronological order. And if the word “chronological” is too big for you then you’re my target audience, so thanks for stopping by.
...a bunch of fahkin’ videos I hope I never have to make again. But first...
Ladies and Gentlefriends, Patsfans and Patriot Peoples the world over, it gives me great pleasure to present a video I was dying to make. A video I couldn’t wait to make, especially given the match-up. Here is our Super Bowl 46 Wicked Pissah Webcast, in all it’s inappropriate and NSFW glory.
Now, one video I wouldn’t have minded making again, albeit a contemporary version, is this, where as a full-fledged unapologetic Patriots Supahfan I make my way from tailgate lot to stadium in Indianapolis to represent for my Foxboro Football Folk. For all the positive press Indy is getting this week for hosting a great Super Bowl party I have to say I’m hearing that Pats fans are getting some serious fahkin’ stinkeye, and I can attest that Indy was mighty mighty hostile to Patspeeps. See for yourself...
NOW, two fahkin’ videos I hope to never ever have to make again (seriously - much rather get hit with a paintball gun full of frozen Whoppers) are these, and I don’t give a flying fiddler’s fuckwhistle how funny you might think I am/can be when depressed or in defeat. FAHK THAT NOIZ!!! First was when I was surprised by being on-stage with none other than starting Giants O-lineman David Diehl ("Here’s the Diehl - GO FAHK YASELF!") in NYC. He was a good sport, but still...I don’t wanna be there, or in this situation again. I’d rather hang out with the actual Situation. And he’s a douchemountain!
And then this...what some call my best webcast ever. A video that many, no bullsheet, have told me in-person, was the first thing that made them smile after the football game that supposedly happened in the desert 4 years ago. Something I did because I had to, but hope to holy hotcakes, I never have to make again. I seriously would rather spend 28 days in Aretha Franklin’s dutch oven than have to even consider making another something like this.
Pats, I want you to win because I am a fan. And it would be wonderful to shut everyone the fahk up who hates on you and is 31 flavors of jealous. Oh, and Giants fans too! We kinda owe them a little bit. Anyway...just win, baby. Because if you do you’ll be Super Bowl champs. And we’ll all be so proud and overjoyed. And as a tiny tiny tiny footnote, and treat for me, I’ll never have to make those videos again. Thank you. Go Pats. And everyone who doesn’t root for them or is oping I have to make another Defeatcast can Go Fahk Yourself.
...and here’s everything else Patstastic and such we can think of for you to watch, read, look at, enjoy and whatever else you gotta do before kickoff.
CelticsPatriotsMan has a pretty sweet little...preview of today’s showdown.
And then we got all these...there’s GFY pal and middle-finger flippin’ stalwart Bugsy Segal finally showing a sign of approval to a license plate...and how!
Then we got Chad Lakkas (@themadgamer), who whipped up this sign for the stands so his aunt could see him at the game Sunday (dood...I would SO download this app and play the shit outta this game...hope the Pats do to Sunday).
Then we got this sweetass GRONK cartoon / illustration by Neil Smith (starting to get an idea how big New England’s Gronk-boner is at this point?)
Then we got my boy Hanzy, who always whips up the best gameday outfits for The Razor. Here was last week’s for The Tebowl 2...can’t effing wait to see what he devises for the Championship.
WEEI kinda nailed it; we need Big Vince to come hungry and dine on stuffed Raven today.
And as we head into it, and the game we’ve somehow waited a week for is nigh, remember 2 things; no matter what happens, like Jen Hill does here, KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON.
And be sure to say a coupla OUR BRADYs before kickoff (as presented by our pal Jeremiah Lucas).
So there it is and here we go. Nothing else need be said. GAME. EFFING ON. Hang ‘em high and let ‘em fly, boys. GFY, Ravens. LET’S GO PATS!!!
The task, or tasks, at hand are very simple; A.) Beat the Ravens Sunday, and 2.) Have all us crazy obsessed excited psyched superpumped fans make it to Sunday. ‘Cuz I gotta tell ya it’s Wednesday night, and that’s a tall order itself. I am doing everything possible under the sun to distract myself and keep busy/preoccupied/outta trouble until Sunday at 3 in the PM. And outside of working on videos, writing dumb shit, listening to the radio, and drinking beer (what makes this different from any other week?), it hasn’t been easy. But we’ve passed the hump ‘o the week, and soon the momentum will build steam like a Coors Light train and next thing we know it it’s Sunday. That said, if you’re like me and you need to waste another 3-4 minutes now then take a second to enjoy this amazing video; an all-movie quote version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. Yup...lyrically spot-on and all. I’ll see you in a few...
Oh Baltimore! Oh Ray Rice...Bernard Pollard...T-Sizzler...Ray Lewis...do we owe you guys, for so many reasons (Pollard especially...I want his left knee served postgame to TFB on a silver platter!). Last week’s game was SFS: So Fahkin’ Sweet - on so many levels. But gone is the time that we should be basking in the biblical beatdown. I don’t believe that game to be a fluke or aberration, nor do I think it what we should expect to see in any way shape or form. BUT, should you need to waste another coupla minutes before Sunday AND relive the highlights of Saturday night, well...here are all 6 of TFB’s TD’s...
And welcome back...again. For realzerpants, you best believe Baltimore’s chain gang of crab-ass thugs by the bay are gonna bring it, and then some, come Sunday. And it’s gonna be a battle. Terrell Suggs, he of the one-way war of words with TFB for years now, made sure to spend his time wisely Wednesday by arguing with that asshat Skip Bayles on ESPN 2 (instead of studying game film and planning, like we can be assured TFB was). I don’t care if T-Sizzler won AFC Defensive Player of the Year or not, the guy’s a pan-fried dick covered in mouthy douche sauce. Plus, it’s not like the Pats are surging and peaking at the right time. Or have any incentive. Or revenge on the mind. Or one of the best Qbs ever, and perhaps the best playing now (you know what you said, Ray-Ray & T-Sizzler!) Or a coach with menace and mayhem and madness on the mind. NOOO, not at all! How could anyone think as much?!?
Oh buddy, we’re home. They played for this. And they’re on a mission. And Baltimore is in the way. Time for them to get out the way. Everyone’s pumped! I’m jacked. You’re outta your shit. People like this unknown hotty are rocking the GRONK left and right.
It’s happenin’. And I’m ready. I just need to appropriately and judiciously piss away these next 3 and 1/2 days. Wait, I know how! How about we watch this GRONKtastic video of all of Gronk’s 2011 TD’s accompanied by the William Tell 1812 Overture. Yup, it’s ON.
I’m always skeptical of cover songs. Something’s gotta be catchy or waaay waaay out different about it, or maybe it’s a great artist covering a song you never expected. But when it’s the same artist who covers their own song and then changes the lyrics? Like Elton John for “Candle In The Wind”? OK, fine. I get it. A beloved worldwide figure and philanthropist and icon died. That was tragic. But John Parr, who I hadn’t heard from in ages and was totally fine with, covering his own hit, “St. Elmo’s Fire”, and mutating it into “Tebow’s Fire”? Out of nowhere? Jeezus, that made ME wanna get chased by the paparazzi, only to crash my car in a tunnel. Listen at your own risk, for there will be blood. Pouring from your ears.
So after watching / listening to a steaming pan-fried pile of shit like that, you know what I usually find a nice palate cleanser/refresher? Yup...some certified-fresh BRADY PORN.
Ah...now don’t we feel better? That’s more like it. Now...
We can never consume enough Pats goodness, especially when on the subject of DAS GRONK. If you wanna get to know Gronk, head to toe, bow to stern, up, down and all-around, read Jackie MacMullen’s awesome piece. Yes, indeed, it is good to be The Gronk.
And if I may, a brief aside from all the Pats/Broncos hoopnanny (that’s hooplah & hootnanny for you kids at home)...I’ve been asked dozens of times this week, “What do you think about the Jets disaster?” Umm...do you REALLY need to ask me that? Anytime anything bad happens to the Jets you shuld know that somewhere out there, probably near a beer or a pizza or a toilet, or all three, I’m smiling. That’s how it works; when bad things happen to Jets Fitzy & all jackass Pats fans smile. So this shitstorm, with the under bus-throwing of Sanchez and The Blame Game and more Rextastic blather from Jabba the Coach? COME ON! it’s nonstop earcandy. I’m Cheshire Cat-ing it 24/7, outside of the joy of thinking about the Pats kicking ass this weekend, no less. They’re a mess. It’s wonderful. and they have all the offseason they want and need to right the ship for next season...where they can underwhelm and let down their fans and anyone dumb enough to listen to Rex’s preDICKtions yet again. Now, if you will, enjoy this Bugsy Segal-styled pics sent in from GFY pal Joe Mazer out in the AZ that say all else that need be said. For now.
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
It was done. And it was at times glorious, and brutal (especially that 1st quarter - “Send in the cream cheese unit, coach!") But I’m more in the holiday season “Horay for us!” and not so much the “They can suck it!” mode. Believe it or not.
This is how I choose to celebrate last weekend’s win; TFB-style. (pic from LOLPats folks)
As we turn the page from this Sunday’s biblical win over Rocky Mountain Touchdown Jesus & Co., I don’t take the kind of delight in having un-deified and demystified Tebow that I thought I would have. Well, not entirely, though some might have enjoyed shutting up the biblical bandwagon JUST a bit...
If there’s someone on TV who plays football and they’ve pissed you off, and then they get theirs, leave it to Bugsy Segal to show them some GFY courtesy.
Now, onto...well, OK, one more...
OK, we’re moving on...maybe I didn’t get into the “We defeated Jesus!” / “Down with Tebowmania!” / “Where’s your god now?” madness mostly because I’m just so damn happy that a Pats team I thought was close to dead and maybe even heading to their own footbal funeral in The Dreadownlands back in November, is now (once again..ho-hum) AFC FAHKIN’ EAST CHAMPS! And I say “ho-hum” in jest I appreciate every title, every “hat & shirt game”, every TFB start, touchdown and drop-back as much as I do every beer; I don’t know which one will be my last, so I love the shit out of them all. Look at this rag-tag Bad News Bears of football (at least on the D) shit-squad. Somehow ("I’ll take Brady & the Offense Are Carrying This Team for $400, Alex") they did it again. And I’m not gonna get on that “One and Done” horse now, or ever. Nope! Uh-uh. Fahk that! Somehow, some way, I think this gridiron goofsquad that masquerades as a professional defense will come through...a bit. Enough to avoid a disaster ike Jan 15th 2011...may I never mention that fuckshow of a day again. NOW, as for the offense...
They were in rare form a Mile High last weekend, and we know they’re gonna have to carry us to The Promised Land...or at least past the 1st fahkin’ round. TFB is killing it these days. If I may say I think he kinda is back in MVP form. Who’s to say he hasn’t played as well or better than Aaron Rodgers? NOT ME! And not these dudes (again, ladies please feel free to send in pics of your lovely selves in our shirts), who wear their mancrush with pride! Like Chris Pollone...
Or Derek Schenk, who went full-blown Townie News outside the stadium, a GFY koozie complimenting his fine-ass BRADY shirt (he wants to lead our “BRADY across America” campaign, so send your pics in!)
As for some other things & stuff ‘n junk worth reading or watching...
“We’re moving on to Miami” as Lord Hoodie would say. Courtesy of PatsPropaganda.com check out the highlights from Week 1, a game I delighted in attending in-fahkin-person. Remember when Welkah scored a99-yard touchdown?
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a reasonably big, well-covered, over-hyped football game being played in Denver tomorrow. Yes, THE TEBOWL is at hand. And there’s only been a weeee bit of coverage surrounding it. Many websites have done their enjoyable Tebowmania round-ups.
Saw this on Pats Propaganda; some intrepid artiste at Macleod Cartoons made this beauty, which might be the most honest piece f fan art / humor related to Tebowtime all week.
How I’ve gone as long as I have without seeing the genius of SAD TOM BRADY is beyond me (props to @eganmike for turning me on to it). This pic is perfect for this weekend’s affairs.
So much has been made of “Tebowing” that Pats fans have felt the need to craft a response...and it’s fahkin’ awesome; GRONKING. Where instead of genuflecting on a knee in prayer you pose as if you’re about to GRONK-SMASH a football spike. Toucher & Rich had people submit “Gronking” photos, and a lot of them are tremendous. My personal favorite it this (faux baby violence always kills):
Then my buddy (and “Pocket Money” editor) Scott Fisher submitted this; apparently his buddies took GRONKING next level, with someone prepped to GRONK right on top of a TEBOW. These are the kinda people I wanna buy beers for, be friends with (no homo) and am glad In can call fellow Patspeople.
For lest we forget: GRONKING > TEBOWING
Speaking on New England’s new favoritest sports icon...local cartoonist Chip O’Reilly (great name, right?) dropped this little “carnival Gronk portrait” on my virtual doorstep...
Then this dude named “Sheep Guy” (don’t ask) whipped this little dandy up. Which gets me thinking that taking acid while drinking beer and watching highlights of the Pats while at a computer with photoshop might not be such a bad thing...
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