Sorry for not blogging this week. We’ve ben doing stuff and you’ve been watching and reading and enjoying, I hope, but jst to get it out of the fahkin;’ way, INSERT TYPICAL FITZY EXCUSE ABOUT NOT BLOGGING ENOUGH HERE AND PROMISING TO DO MORE SOON AND OFTEN AND STUFF. NOW! To the matter at handjob...GRONKMANIA. Shitsticks on fire, it ontinues to sweep Patriot and our actual Nation like crazy. And as it takes vice-like grip on the country’s dicks you try to remember when the last time somebody with this much accidental charisma, charm, ability and goofiness tok hold. GRONK runs the world right now. And this is a hobbled Gronk with a bad ankle. Or “the Gronkle” as we call it. I just don’t wanna hear any more about his Gronkle. I want game! But, if I have to hear more abut Gronk and the Gronkle leading up to Sunday then it may at least be in the musical entertainment type form, right? If you think people with TV cameras, radios, microphones, blogs and wieners have gone out of their Gronkin’ mind, then you should check out the Youtubes. Literally a new Gronk Song (and I’m surprised that Cisqo hasn’t remixed “The Thong Song” into “The Gronk Song” yet...wait, that may be a brilliant idea). Anyway, check it...we got GRONK songs galore, baby. There’s the homemade kinds done up right, like the Twisted Sister tribute (which always scores points with my retro soul when you pay homage to the great Dee Fahkin’ Snyder), I WANNA GRONK
And then we have celebrity DJ hip-hop star fans like Timbaland (tell me you didn’t double-take when you heard Timbaland was a Pats fan and wrote a song for Gronk) who dial up this GRONK SONG
And yet another professional entry by a hip-hopper (I dunno what the kids are calling them these days) by the name of Fewcha, who Gronks it like it’s hot...
And then we have the shortest, simplest and easiest to love, the Toucher and Rich “Party Gronk” song, which in many ways is almost kind of an anthem at this point. He is party. YO SOY FIESTA (how many times have you dropped that line in the last 10 days? At least five times a day, minimum, right?)
Am I missing any? If so hit me up -
And BTFW, I have no effing idea, and I bet you don’t either, as to ht Gronk means when he says “We going to the ship”. And you know what? I DON’T CARE. I kinda don’t ever wanna know. It’s like the lyrics to “Louis Louie”. Nobody really knows what they mean, and they definitely mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And that’s how it should be.
In non-Gronk related matters...
I’ll be making my return to The Karlson & McKenzie Show on WZLX Thursday morning @ 7:35am. Been a while since I’ve been on with the big dudes, the big boobs and big head. Can’t wait! And then we’ll follow that up with our weekly sports chat with Funfella and The Grump (aka Bax and O’Brien) on Rock 102 @ 8am. If you tune in to both there’s an 80% chance you’ll hear some of the same ridiculous things/lines/jokes twice. Double your fahkin’ pleasure!
Hope you’ve enjoyed the videos we’ve made within the last week. More to come soon, including the Super Bowl 46 Wicked Pissah Webcast, which should drop sometime Thursday afternoon. And it’ll be as epic as the game we’ve been obsessing over for the last ten days. I think. I hope! Etc...
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
As we begin wishing ne and all a Merry Patsmas, hearty Happy Holidays and Bestest Wishes for a Merry Christmas to both the Houston Texans and, of all teams, the Indianapolis Colts, for delivering exactly what I wanted as a Christmas Eve Eve Eve gift. Houston shitting the bed at the site of SB 46 all but tells me that they’re not a true contender for the title, and even more so clears the path for the Pats. Sure, they control their own destiny, win out and it’s all you. But now a win this Sunday all but locks up the #1 seed. So all that stands in our way of retracing ur steps from last year, and then setting about righting those wrongs, isa rejuvenated Reggie Bush and the 230 pounds of crazy that is Brandon Marshall. Well, an interesting fahkin’ Xmas eve this should be.
Yeah, they say it’s better to give than receive, but that’s hot-frosted horseshit on the football field. The Pats haven’t been giving away at all lately. And cutting the turnovers way doen has surprisingly lead to - get this - a bunch of fahkin’ wins! And who do you enjoy seeing receive more than New England’s own megarockstarsupericonmanbeast, THE GRONK. People have gotten so into him that now Gronking is something people talk about almost as much as Tebowing (again, if I need remind you: Gronking > Tebowing). And so whenever someone pointed out that there’s a site dedicated to Gronking, well, let’s just say my sugarplums began dancing, and not just in my head. I have to craft a quality entry and submit before playoff time. Your ideas are welcome, and good ones might be stolen
This guy’s about to Gronk the shit out of his girlfriend!
Oh, and even though we’re long since over Tebowing, and he’s not even a blip on our radar, a floater in our deuce bowl, I would like to share a pic that I just received from last weekend. Sandi Winegrad Siegal, in addition to being a hot mama (we’ve long -since moved on past MILF, people), is a dedicated die-ahrd Pats fan with a sense of humor. For she was made sure to reward Santa for giving her what she wanted, a Pats win in Denver, with a satirical gesture of her own. I think I have a little boy crush on a 2nd grade teacher kinda love for this woman.
THAT is the true mark of a champion. That he had to get it in “Tramp Stamp font” is even better. And also...is this dood wearing a fahkin’ diaper. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
So, here we are, in the butthole of the week, the old humpday...a few days removed from a less than thrilling Pats win over a depleted Dolts squad...a few days from the Patriots invading our nation’s capital (which is a wonderfully ironic spin on the War of 1812...NERD ALERT!!!)...Belichick hasn’t cut any players this week, YET (he really does manage his roster like an 80’s action movie villain kills his own henchmen just to prove to his other lackies that anyone is disposable and no one is better than the boss)...we got no significant moves made to date by the Sawx at the winter meetings...holiday parties at hand, but no major benders or “make out with a co-worker and puke in a cab” festivals yet...thus what to post about? Well, here’s a coupla things I thought might help kill time on a rainy complainy hungover Humpday.
Our pal PatsPropaganda brings his usual array of fan-centric abject Pats love on a daily basis, but today he dug up a gem; Pats / Redskins highlights from 1996. I’m with him; I might wanna see Brady to Welker in these throwback uniforms, too.
Also, I know many of you have bought shirts from us of late, particularly THE GRONK (cripes, does New England fall in love fast with a talented white athlete or what? Something about that guy...), which we can’t even seem to keep in stock. But if you’ve bought from us, have the whole Townie shirt collection, might I recommend Pats Propaganda’s 1st shirt...
It’s pretty sweet, got one myself last week. DO YOUR JOB and buy a DO YOUR JOB shirt today (pretty sweet stocking stuffer, if I may say...and I fahkin’ did).
On the subject our shirts...keep the pics coming in. We can’t get enough pics of fans in GRONK & BRADY shirts. Of curse, ladypixx always preferred over brotos (bro photos), but hey, we’ll take ‘em! Like this one, submitted by GFY pal Terrell Wartenbe. Just look how pumped this faceless youth is to be GRONKing out!
And while we’re talking pics...we always ALWAYS will take your GFY pics. There is no such thing as “I’ve had enough of your GFY pics in the randomest and awesomest and most inapropriatest of places!” Nope, no such fahkin’ thing. ike this week we have a license plate for the ages (submitted by Brian Worth)...
If there’s ever been a state that needs that license plate it’s Massachusetts. AND Markus Vargo takes a more classic approach to the GFY tribute.
In random pictures I stumbled across news...I finally found my Christmas gift for the Red Sox starting pitchers!
And, I kid you not...I stumbled into a Staples and saw this sign. Interesting what superstar point guards and NBA players did to fill ‘n kill time during the NBA lockout...
Alright, let’s leave you with a laugh...here’s our funnypal Nick Kroll (from the fantasy football show “The League”...he’s an old GFY pal...oh, do you want me to pick up that name I just dropped? What an asshat I am...), telling a phenomenal story on Conan’s show. Of curse I’d like this. Friend + funny x poop in a car = WINNING.
Alright, we’ll “see” you on Bax & O’Brien Thursday morning at 8 in the Gay-M. New videos soon, possibly within the day. Go Pats, GFY, etc...
Hey fuckheads! Coffee tastes a little more delicious, morning pinch-out goes that much smoother when you stay up and watch a Sox walkoff. Especially one that got delayed for 95 minutes and was in doubt many times. But once again who comes through? My pick for 2011 MVP...Jacoby Hellzbury. Kid is having a (you guessed it) MONSTAH SEASON. He really is...check the stats and numbers, peoples. They don’t lie. He’s all over it. If you’re too lazy to go read on your own, or remain unconvinced, potentially hungover, check out Chad Finn’s recent column on the potential historical awesomeness of Ellsbury’s season. That was his first GW-ribeye of the year, but it’s not usually your leadoff hitter that delivers the goods. If he keeps this up...I’m just sayin’...
I know, I know. What is to make you believe that now, of all the times I’ve promised we’d get back to making videos and posting shit and updating the blog regularly, that we’d really do what we said we’d do? I feel for you, really. I’m with you. I probably have left you feeling like a blue-footballed GFY-certified fan/hater/whatever who refuses to be scorned, burnt or left at the man-alter again. Well I can’t offer much beyond a few words, a promise to do it (DO IT! DO IT!), sparing you one of these horseshit cheesetastic speeches that are best spent on a lady half as drunk as you (or guy) or a Friday or Saturday night. No..I’m just gonna fahkin’ lay some shit out there, today, and every day, until we got another Super Bowl, or until I eat it at this greasy keyboard. AND...to prove I mean it, here’s some welcome back football Patriots porn to get the engine started. You know I mean well with this, right? It’s like the youtube version of the Kobe rape diamond!
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NOW...be sure to tune in to The Bax & O’Brien Show (Rock102.com) Thursday the 28th of July, 2011, at 8:05 in the AM for some red hot sports-like talk (@baxandobrien). And, for those who feel let down by a distinct lack of video content in recent day/week/month, be sure to tune into NESN.com/nesn-nation every Wednesday night from here on out in the Sox season. I’m blogging, tweeting my 140 characters off and posting 5, yes FIVE, short videos a night. Yeah yeah, wonk wonk...they’re SFW. So Fahkin’ What! We’re bringing the points and insight and New England Sports Nonsense that only someone as half-assed and three-quarters soused as myself can. And the debut tonight was MVP worthy and PFS: Pretty Fahkin’ Sweet, if I may say so. And I did, since it’s my blog. Here’s another example of our quick video blurbage for the NESN NATION...
So stay tuned, welcome back, go Sox, hello again football, and of course....GO FAHK YOURSELF!
Yeah yeah, “Fitzy where you been?” - “What the fuck, no videos in like 2 months?” - “How’s the Bruins bandwagon feel, Mr. Tom Brady On A Mexican Waterslide Assclown?” - ALRIGHT! I hear you! I do. I had to, umm, go pay the bills and shit. Especially since I’m not doing POCKET MONEY this year (I’ll allow you a moment to compose yourself over this tragic loss). But we’re getting the band back together. And by the band I mean I’ll have some time to kick the tires and light some GFY fires. Heck, maybe I’ll make a video or 3 with a couple laughs in them over the next few weeks. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, YOU FAHKIN’ HUMPS!
Anyhoosiers...I’m as psyched for the Stanley Cup Finals as any bandwagon-jumping, genuine fan who just doesn’t watch every game and will freely admit hockey is his #4 sport of the 4 majors in Boston (stop kidding yourself, Revs fans). I am. I really can’t fahkin’ wait. it’s the most excited I’ve been for hockey and the Beez since the days of Lemelin and Moog (no, I didn’t have to look those names up, thank you!) It’s gonna be puckin’ awesome, and I think the Bruins can do it. My call? Beez in 7. Whatchoo got?
So yeah, let’s fahkin’ do this, Beez! The city of Boston’s streets are aching for another of Menino’s famous “Wolling Wally” duckboataculars.
And yes, I’ll be on Bax & O’Brien, Rock 102 Springfield (rock102.com) Thursday at 8am to recap Game 1, talk some Sox, bring some opinionated misinformation to the masses.
And double-yes, I meant it when I said lots of new videos soon.
I enjoy sharing the kinda shit that makes me laugh when possible, especially during Sox games...when I need a laugh because MAHKO SKOOTAROH JUST GROUNDED INTO ANOTHAH FRIGGIN’ DUBLE PLAY THE FAHK WAS HE SWINGING AT, THAT ASSCLOWN?!?
Anyway...if you’ve heard of the Name Of The Year bracket before then you were as excited for it as I was, anxiously awaiting it like the Sears catalog of old. Or like how I wait on my next cold beer when the bartender pours it. If you haven’t heard of the NOTY then you are in for a treat. I don’t know how and when this started, or how they collect these names. All I know is it’s real, and really fahkin’ funny. I mean, come on...Stonegarden Gridlife? Yolanda Supersad? Neptune Pringle III? You can’t make this shit up. I mean you could, but then it wouldn’t be as funny.
I give thanks to Bill Simmons and Deadspin and everyone else who may have introduced me to this annual gem, as well as all the nitwits who named their children Monsterville Horton IV, or changed their name to Sanmorteeno Battle. This really does make life worth living for a few minutes longer.
I was at MSG Monday night for Celtics/Knicks and did what I thought you’d all want me to do, in absence of you getting to do it yourself. And for a while I thought I was gonna have to turn that finger back around on myself as the C’s just didn’t have it, or maybe the Knicks had more. Or whatever (eventually Jeff Green is gonna find a way to make shots from 4 feet out, of this I am certain). But by the 4th quarter the Cetlics figured out that by putting the basketball THROUGH the rim more often than the Knicks they could win the game. And they did! And the Knicks fans felt like buttered ass. And all the C’s fans in “the world’s most lamest arena” were rocking. A good time had by all. And this classy pregame twitpic was backed up. So thank you, Mssrs. Rondo, Garnett, Pierce, Allen & Davis. JWFD: Job Well Fahkin’ Done. After the game I knew why the Knicks fan in front of me kept responding to all my outward griping about the Celtics lackluster play with “Don’t worry, it’s the Knicks”. And he was right. They did kinda suck it in the 4th, and the C’s didn’t. Funny how that works. So there’s that.
And Just In Here at Things ‘n Stuff & Junk ‘n Shit Central...
The guys over at 12 Angry Mascots, who I’ve done some stage & video “work” with before, made this video with Skanks CF Curtis Granderson, and it’s funny. I would momentarily respect this man if he walked to the plate with “Friday” playing (and yes, it is the worst song ever - everyone involved with that aural disaster should be hunted down and eliminated “Munich” style...and if you don’t know what “Friday” is then I’d ask what rock you’ve been living under, if I wsn’t so envious of you never having heard it before).
Happy as a humpstack to be back on Bax & O’Brien Show every Thursday, 8:05am, on Rock 102. If you missed last week’s chat then here it is in all of its MP3 glory. Should have some more regular radio visits and bits to share in the coming weeks, so stay tuned for those delightful wastes of our time.
Got a few new videos coming out within the next 10 days...
I’m helpless against this digital monstrosity. It’s dumber than TFB’s ponytail and yet I can’t press the X button to close the window on my browser. If you are able to stop watching, listening, dancing, obsessing over it then you’re a stronger man/woman/child than I. This is garlic-parmesan fries @ Boston Beer Works crack-level addictive.
Alright ya’ humps, more soon. Look for new videos, radio ridiculousness and such, on the horizon. Till then be good, drink up, and GFY.
Oh, the plight of the Heat gets funnier with every loss. At home. Where they blow a lead. And gag in the final seconds. Then cry after the game. And then people make pics like this. Care for a cup of dickpunch, Mssrs. James or Wade?
OK, so, I know I’m supposed to be in my self-imposed “bleak sports midwinter” / “taint of the sports year” hibernation and such, but I’m getting antsy, kinda crabby even. I’m ready to fire up the engines of fanaticism, inappropriateness and inebriation now, really. I’m really getting into the Celtics season now (not that I haven’t been all year), but after the Perk trade and all that ensuing drama, and them rattling off 5 straight, I’m kinda fired up. Plsu it’s sooooo effing fun to watch and root against the Heat, usually now to see them gag n it during the final :10. Probably the best comedy on TV now. Mark my words: the Bulls will be the Celtics biggest threat, the biggest hurdle in their attempt to get back to the Finals for a 3rd time as The Big 4. Where they’ll face the Lakers. D’uh, come on now. If you can make a compelling case for how Dallas or San Antonio can knock them off I’m all ears and beers at
In other recent semi-interesting, space-filling Things ‘n Stuff ‘n Junkery...
I’m sure by now you’ve heard about or seen the COMPLETE NON-STORY that is TFB’s ponytail at Carnivale in Rio. Does anything speak more volumes as to how effing bored we are with sports right now, or how badly we need baseball season, March Madness and the hockey & basketball playoffs to begin that we’re TALKING ABOUT A PRO FOOTBALL QUARTERBACK’S HAIR IN EARLY MARCH? Really? OK, well, since I’m as bored as you are, and nothing if not a bringer to the people of what they want (and semi-professional idiot) then here’s video of The Brades trying to dace in Rio, looking like your friend who’s the DD at the bar on Friday and kinda wants to leave but is still awkwardly courtesy dancing for the time until you either get a girl’s #, or puke, or both:
And here’s the LOLPats take on it, which I think I heard was what 97% of all Pats fans said the first time they saw TFB’s greasy European soccer star ‘do...
SWCO (Shit Worth Checking Out): The LOlPats peeps have started up a sister site for Sox laffs, LOLSox. I was psyched to see it come up. Appears as if they’re going to be up to snuff ‘n par with the LOLPat action, too.
Please be April 1st now already OK yes please?
Speaking of Sox season and the anticipation and excitement and such, if anyone wants to go to Opening Day, April 8th against the Skanks, my pal and merch master flex, Coach Kev at Supahfans, has a ticket he’s going to give away, and a danm good seat at that, for the game. To win you have to stop by his store with the most SUpahfans merch on or own the most shirts, be the biggest Supahfan...I dunno. But honestly he does have a ticket to give away, and his store on COmm Ave is having a huge-ass sale this weekend. Check it out, get the newsletter, here’s the deets on their Spring Cleaning sale, with info on the giveaway to follow.
And don’t forget our KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON shirts are on sale for only $12 in the Townie News merch store now, fools!
For a quick cheap baseball laugh (read: “Baseball is coming and my fantasy draft is next week so I need to fill the hole in my sports soul with more baseball and possibly some humor") then give this read, forwarded along to me by GFY pal and part-time Townie News contributor On The Brinke, the 10 Best Spring Training Pranks In Baseball History.
And finally, this is awesome. It’s Conan at his absurdist best. And it’s Angry Birds, which you’d be lying if you said you didn’t like/play/obsess dangerously over. AND it stops the Kardashian pain, even just for a moment. This is lo-fi TV comedy WIN at its finest.
Talk to you on Bax & O’Brien come St. Patty’s, 3 sheets to the FM wind, 8:05 in the AM. With a whole lot to follow. Drink up, stay healthy, s’go Boston! And of course...Keep Calm And Brady On...and GFY.
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