Once again...comedy fundraiser...Friday night...show starts at Awesome O’Clock...good cause great times...come on, it’s for the kids! By not coming you’re saying, out loud, “I hate kids! And fun.” So that’s on you.
Now, been a few weeks since we’ve thrown a TuukkaTime Bruins recap up on yee ol’ Townie. And in light of last night’s big fat Bruins comeback I thought, well, no better time than the present to give you a whole lotta Tuukka...
Here’s this week’s interview with Bax & O’Brien, where we talk all things Pats and some other stuff. Mostly Pats. I burped a coupla times on the radio. So I’m sure the sponsors are PUMPED.
Also don’t forget: big show next Thursday night @ Max Cap, 116 School Street in Chicopee, MA. I’ll be performing with Bax & O’Brien producer Steve Nagle....he’s a handsome SOB...as well as Matt McCarthy, a hilarious redheaded drunk if there ever were one. You might know Matt as the cable guy from all those funny Verizon FiOs commercials in recent year. You can also order his album on iTunes, which kicks ass and is a great audio companion to your next ice cold adult beverage. Gonna be a hella good show, peoples.
Been a long time coming, Western Mass / Pioneer Valley. For all these years I’ve been clogging up your airwaves every Thursday morning at 8, yapping away...come see just what a jackass I am, and what doing it up GFY-style is all about! I’m buying a beer to the first five people who tell me next Thursday night that they read on Townie News to come up and tell me in-person, “Go Fahk Yerself!”
See you humps then...more soon...and let’s go Pats!
A lot to mention, and not a lot of time (reheat food in oven + freshly arrived movie from Netflix X my wanting to drink more delicious beer from Blue Hills Brewery = let’s get this done, people!)
Seriously, NEW BEER CRUSH ALERT! NEW BEER CRUSH ALERT! You freaks gotten into the Blue Hills Brewery goods yet? Little did I know that my mouth was the target for their IPA tastebomb (*cough* - open to a beer sponsor here - *cough*). Damn, oh so tasty! Want to touch the heiny. Seriously, as a long-standing, in-good-stead, card-carrying member of the Harpoon IPA Club this has become my new fling. Could be a long-term thing, verging on an affair. MAYBE a relationship. It’s tastetastic, and is 5,000 times the beer we all drink in mass quantities every football Sunday (and now Thursdays - welcome back, Thursday Night Football! Daddy missed you.) Anyway...
Speaking of beer and its magic powers...this guy is my new (albeit temporary) hero.
He was one of the dudes at the Cowboys/Giants game a few weeks back working the cellphone/Flipcam who snagged video of a drunk Cowboys “fan” giving some dude a late-game lapper. Obviously this is the only way to enjoy a Cowboys game in 2010, whether you be participant or spectator. Funny, Miller Lite doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me, or any ladyfriends I hang with. BUT they sponsor “Pocket Money”, so yeah, DRINK MORE MILLER LITE!
Can you imagine the response if this happened @ Gillette?
Welcome home, Deion. You should have never left in the first place. But you’re back where you belong. And while your job is not to come in and make anyone forget about Mossman and his downfield dynamite anytime soon, it’s nice to know TFB’s original crush is back in the mix. And I’m stunned more people aren’t psyched about this, like walking by a changing booth in a department store and “accidentally” catching some girl’s sideboob kinda psyched?!? Branch still has the goods, the tools, the tricks. You watch - he’s not gonna light it up like the recently departed #81, nor will he have SB 38 or 39 kinda games anytime soon. But what he does know how to do is find ways to get open and hit those soft spots, the soft spots that TFB loves to hit him in. yeah, this is getting a little bromoerotic. I said it! But so what...they got a good thing going, and we need more of those kinda good things in that locker room, on Gillette’s Field (and several other opposing fields to come), and in the huddle. No, I’m betting Branch isn’t what he was, in terms of burst and explosiveness. But what he is...is Deion Fahkin’ Branch. And with a group of young wide receivers in need of guidance and advice and tutelage (one of my favorite sports broadcaster and wrestling commentator words), and Branch is gonna bring it. I love the way this offense is going. I love the way this team is headed, mixing vets with a lot of rooks and young guys on the rebuild. Don’t say I didn’t tell you this team is only going to get better and better, and I’ll go out on a ledge/limb/your mom’s dick and say it now. The Pats are going to the playoffs.
Here’s DFB back at practice today (photo from the Herald) - looks pretty shahp if you ask me. And you didn’t. But I’m telling you anyways. So suck it.
You’d be smiling from asshole to elbow if you just got sent from Seattle and Hasslesnack to Foxboro and TFB, too!
And how did it all work out; Maroney for Branch? Umm, OK!
I also forgot, me being Mr. #1 Hockeyfan and all (sorry, I’m just being honest rather than Captain Bandwagon), that TuukkaTime is back. Shit, c’mon, there’s been JUST a little bit going on of late so you’ll have to excuse me that I forgot to post his first coupla vlogs. Well don’t worry, cuz the kid you love to love for his passion and fanatic love of all things B’s and Pats (and forces us to try and overlook the fact that he’s a Skanks fan) is ding his thing again, and he’s doing it well. His postgame from Game #2 (cripes it’s mid-October, the idea of thinking about hockey right now feels as foreign as seeing Randy Moss back in a Vikes uniform...just fahkin’ weird)...
Couple other things...
I love the guys (no homo) over at PATS PROPAGANDA, good “by the people who drink beer and watch Pats games with the people” blog. But for shits ‘n giggles have you checked out FUCK YEAH WES WELKER yet? Shouldn’t all blogs or websites be named after what you say when your favorite slot receiver makes a big catch for another Patriots first down?
Free November 12th? Busy? Well, canceling your effing plans and get your ass to the 3rd annual Franklin SEPAC Comedy Fundraiser Show. The money goes to charity. The comics are fantastic. The beer is cheap. Buttloads of prizes, auctions, raffles and more. I think there’s gonna be a breakdancing clown that shits ice cream. Lady Gaga’s gonna be there. Serious fun. YOU READ RIGHT...GAGA!
OK, maybe there won’t be a clown who shits ice cream, but we’re looking. So be there, and GFY!
PS - Tune in Thursday at 8:05am for our weekly sortschat with Bax & O’Brien on Rock 102 FM, Springfield (rock102.com), and look out for my big dumb ass filming a tailgate video around Foxboro’s lots this Sunday. Been a while since we did some old-fashioned beer-soaked tailgate video magic. Find me, say you saw about it on this shitty website, then say “Whoa, double GFY!” and I’ll give you a koozie. No bullsheet. It’s that easy. Like dangling a double cheeseburger and a bottle of Old Crow in the air when your mom answers the door. DEAL SEALED!
Big Show tonight. LFDT: Let’s Fahkin’ Do This! Else I’ll be forced to inform all the little girls who can’t play softball in Litchfield, NH anymore that it’s because of you and your selfish/lazy/stingy ass!
Here’s that BEAT LA t-shirt you wanted to get for the series. Everyone needs one. Once you wear it to work and everyone says, “Hey dood, I used to think you were a megatool but now suddenly I have shitpiles of respect for you thanks to that friggin’ badass BEAT LA t-shirt”, you can thank me.
I’m hosting a big fat comedy fundraiser this Saturday night, June 5th, in Litchfield, NH. We’ll have the usual raffles, prizes, verbal junkpunches, some “Pocket Money” live, cheap jokes at the expense of people more successful than us, plus you can BYO. $20 can not buy you a better time on a Saturday night (your sister’s rates went up, so...)
POCKET MONEY is filming Wednesday afternoon June 2nd from The Greenway in downtown Boston, 1-4pm, so if you wanna come win $80 of Uncle NESN’s cashola then come bring it, Jabroni!
THIS is the reason why I’ll be able to wake up and see another sunrise if the Celtics don’t BEAT LA, or TFB doesn’t win another Super Bowl. By the way - both of those things will happen. So feel free to find another pretend negative reason (PNR) to need to click that link over and over and over again...
THIS is a damn good baseball blog you should be reading more frequently, you drunk! Take it from a Fitzy (your mom loves to) - this guy gives good Sully!
The thought of Delonte West banging my mom would be more than enough reason to get me to leave Cleveland. Pretty sure there’d have been plenty of reasons to leave beforehand, no matter how hard they tried to get me to stay. Just sayin’...
Also now I know why LeBron should never go to the Knicks. And why YouTube has done as much harm as it has good to my life, and yours. #knicksrecruitingeffortfail
Come one, come all, see the best GFY comedy show this Fall! It’s your old pal Fitzy, and friends, doing some comedy and stone-cold ballbusting for a good cause, on Friday the 13th no less, to benefit the Franklin SEPAC. It, like your handjob after the prom, and most good affairs held by husbands and wives west of Boston, is being held at the Doubletree Hotel in Milford, MA. And the price -$30 - goes to a good cause, can probably be figured as some sort of deductible, and gets you some pre-show snacks. AND raffle entries for autographed swag and prizes. It’s so win-win-win-win it’s not even funny. Think of this as THE pregame comedy sports rally before Sunday night’s Pats @ Colts showdown.
We might even play some “Pocket Money” live, for some other prizes, or to finally get the chance to prove to everyone after watching countless episodes that you ARE the super trivia whiz kid of New England sports (it’s not tough to prove you’re smarter than me).
So again - get your tix - come to the show - win some prizes - feel good about yourself - get drunk - have some laughs - find a Yankees fan in the audience to make fun of - let’s go Pats!
Oh, and BTW - some of the other comics we have on the bill - John Porch, Brian Beaudoin - they’re PFF: Pretty Fahkin’ Funny. So BE THERE!
Cancel your plans. Hire the sitter. Stock up on the beer and snacks. And get ready to laugh your genitals off.
This Saturday, August 8th, your old pal Fitzy is hosting a comedy night in Litchfield, NH for The Litchfield Girls Softball League. That’s right - a girls softball league (or at least their twisted dads) are bringing me and some friends in for a night of laughs, cheap lines, insults, debauchery, mom jokes and more. You gotta figure any organization twisted enough to bring me in, and allow you to BYO, has gotta be something else. So why not come laugh, imbibe and celebrate with us? And NO, those crpass plans you made to go to the neighbors BBQ don’t count. Eff them! They send lousy Christmas cards.
No, Heidi Watney will not be in attendance. But I’m sure she’d be thrilled to know a pic of her and me from some dude’s iPhone made it onto the comedy show flier.
And don’t worry - the Sox game will be over long before the show, so there goes that excuse too.
Get your ass in gear - rally some friends (even the stupid or cheap ones) - grab some beeyahz - and let’s have that “wicked pissah comedy pahtee” we’ve been talking about, alright?
*COUGH* “Pocket Money” premiere in just over 2 weeks. *COUGH* August 24th, 5:30pm, NESN. *COUGH* I’m just as sick of the whistling promo as you are but tough shit, the real show will be on soon enough.
Yes, yours truly will be performing behind enemy lines Monday June 29th, 8pm @ Comix in NYC at 12 Angry Mascots, a very funny monthly sports comedy variety talk show kinda shit (I dunno - there aren’t many of the kind at all, and this one’s funny) so get your ass to Mars and let’s do this! I’ll be doing a set, busting baseballs with the hosts and hangin’ ‘em high and lettin’ ‘em fly with the NY sports crowd. Last month I got to give Daivd Diehl a piece of my mind...and was lucky I didn’t get my footballs handed to me for it. This month’s special guest will be Ryan Grant. Please join me in asking him why he felt the need to destroy our fantasy football teams last fall.
Here’s the listings info for the show. I know I’m not listed, but trust me - my presence will be felt (check out their website - they gave me the love there, and you can see some hot ass pixx of Jenn Sterger, who will also be in the comedy hizzouse). Or maybe I’ll throw up on a Jets fan. Whatever works!
Tix are but a wee $5 if you order in advance and use the PROMO code GRANT. If you come by make sure to say hi, GFY. Beer might (DEFINITELY) will flow freely afterwards.
Special thanks to the members of 12 Angry Mascots in NYC for having me...the Coors Lights that supplied me with liquid bravery...and NY Giants left tackle David Diehl for being a god sport and not kicking my ass. He’s a good dude. I still say he held Adalius Thomas, but we’re looking forward, peoples. Looking forward.
Could be a new land record for # of F bombs dropped in a mostly improvised standup set/interview. Yeah, well nerves and being within two feet of someone who plays for the team that helped shatter all your dreams will do that to a manchild.
Dude - me and this guy both are about to go buckin’ fananas just waiting for baseball season to start already!
I don’t know about any of you humps out there but I have officially ramped up my Red Sox/baseball-in-general reading by about 17,000% in the last week. I typically do so this time of year (kinda like I read every Pats article in the Globe and Herald, maybe even the friggin’ Cape Cod Times when I hit the Cape in August). I’m obsesses, overwhelmed, engrossed, engorged, uncontrollable and just plain fahkin’ ready. Baseball season is here - we’re talking like “sure it’s still in your pants but it knows it’s going to the happy hole soon and it can not WAIT” kinda excited. Dudes, I’m so psyched for baseball season I’m like a fat kid waiting outside Dairy Queen in the heat of the summer, the DQ opens at 10am and it’s 9:58 and I can’t wait! Every day feels like Christmas Eve - and Fitzy can not sleep! Let’s GO already!
So, in the midst of all the bullshit reading and such I’ve come across a few goodies to share...
First, Sports Illustrated does a nice job picking the division winners, MVPs and such. A lot of them, just ENOUGH not to place a jinx, pick the Sox, which is PFS.
Then we got Mazz and Chad Finn’s AL East questionnaire/survey thingy. It raises the questions we all need to ask ourselves now so we can deal with six months of mental institution-level obsession. Hey, it’s a better way to kill time at work than calling your friends and asking them what their excuse is going to be when THEY call in sick to work Monday so as to watch Opening Day.
I will be on The Bax and O’Brien radio show Thursday morning April 2nd at 8:05am. Listen in if you live in Western Mass and love some PG-13 rated FM Massholery before your coffee.
In FITZY LIVE news - I will be performing live at a benefit in New York City this coming Sunday, April 5th. It’s the 2nd Annual “Night for Dottie” at Comix comedy club. Awesome way to spend the night, making laughs and being an ass the night before the season starts. This is a great cause and anyone who’s in the area and wants to feel good about getting tanked and laughing your balls off on a Sunday night should come on down (ALSO - great way to spend night, then “get sick” with booze flu and have to call in sick to work on Monday so you can watch Sox...see?)
It wouldn’t be a Fitzy post without some Pats love, right? Well - cheers and beers to TN pal (not reader - I do not presume to insult my pals by saying they can all read) who sent me the accidentally leaked Pats 2009 schedule. They’ve changed it since on their site but I’ll be anybody a pint of Sammy this is what’s up and where it’s at this fall:
Week One (Monday, September 14): Bills.
Week Two (September 20-21): at Dolphins.
Week Three (September 27-28): Jets.
Week Four (October 4-5): at Broncos.
Week Five (October 11-12): Ravens.
Week Six (October 18-19): Falcons.
Week Seven (Sunday, October 25): at Buccaneers (in London).
Week Nine (November 8-9): at Jets.
Week Ten (November 15-16): Dolphins.
Week Eleven (November 22-23): at Texans.
Week Twelve (November 29-30): at Colts.
Week Thirteen (December 6-7): Panthers.
Week Fourteen (December 13-14): Jaguars.
Week Fifteen (December 20-21): at Saints.
Week Sixteen (December 27-28): Titans.
Week Seventeen (January 3): at Bills.
Again...I know how psyched I/we am/are for the Sox, but FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wrapping shit up - Still working the Sox Preview video...NOT going to Sox/Mets Friday at ShittyField, so apologies to anyone I said I’d meet up ith or come place a GFY sticker on the baby of...and no, I am not on Twitter yet. I still have a hard time using a website or service that sounds like something I tried to do with a girl in the back of the auditorium in high school. Call me old-fashioned, just don’t call me your Twitterpal or tweet buddy or whatever the fahk you call it.
