The good folks over at The Fanpool have launched a kickass pro football pick ‘em site, and they asked yours truly to try and rally some of you drunks, nitwits, goons, boobs and all-stars to sign up and play this season. Now, you probably already have your two fantasy teams, so the last thing you need to do is join a pick ‘em league with nothing on the line and occupy more of your precious football time.
Which is why we’re giving the winner $100 of each week $100. You read right. A cool hundy. A hundo. A Benjamin. 10,000 pennies. We’re good for it.
All you need to do is go to Fanpool.com. Click on “Free Registration” (top of the page). Create a “Game Name” (basically your user ID), and a personal password. Once that bit of rocket science is done, then join my league - TownieNews. The password is, as it should be, gronk87 (case sensitive for you ALL CAPS FANS). And there you have it. Make your picks against the spread every week. Whoever makes the best picks and scores the most points will be contacted and have 100 bones/clams/semolians sent their way. A little something, you know, for the effort. And yes, I will send out a reminder email each week, kicking you in the dick to make sure to get your picks in before that week’s games kick off, m’kay?
So again, all you need to do is pick which teams you think will win, against the spread, every...
...in the great game of...
...and whoever does the best each week will win...
Now, what do I think about the Celtics adding Shaquille O’Neal? It’s a NFB: No Fahkin’ Brainah, especially considering that Perk’s out until us men get wallet raped by the Hallmark corporation and Rose Growers of South America (bka - Valentine’s Day.) The Celtics need a big guy off the bench, who can clear the post, bang bodies, gab some boards, throw a few down (hoops, not beers), and provide the in-the-paint presence we needed so badly in Game 7. 6 minutes away from banner #18, you don’t think Shaq’s presence wuldn’t have guaranteed duckboats and a “wolling wally”? Fahk and yeah it would have. This signifies that the Celtics are more than happy to be the oldest, stingiest, biggest, gnarliest and pain-in-your-assest team in the East. It’s not like adding Squash and King Lames. But it is a 7 fot 1 375 pound F U to the Eastern Conference and to everyone else who said the C’s were washed up after losing the FInals. Shaq’s gonna bring even more excitement. He’ll look funny standing next to Rondo. He’ll put asses in seats. He’ll love how into it Boston fans get. He’ll love playing and beating the Heat. He may be older than the actual Aristotle but Big Aristotle is a hellified signing. PLUS, now he can team up with Jermaine to form The O’Neal Boys, the hardest workingest Irish front court in all professional basketball.
I REALLY hope Shaq wears 18, just to signify what he’s helping the C’s go for (art courtesy Chris DeRoy.)
Hey, Jacoby Ellsbury’s finally back! Be gentle, ladies. And take it easy, guys. We’re not that far back on the Skanks and we’re gonna need his fragile ass and boy band looks, because...(I’m calling it; Rays are winning the East, we’re getting Wild Card - BOOM! It has been saided. Even Bill Simmons’s (@sportsguy33) bestie, JackO, (@jacko2323) said he thinks the Skanks will be in 3rd by mid-August.
TIMEKILLER EXTRORDINAIRE, ESPECIALLY FOR PEOPLE WHO GREW UP IN THE LATE 80’S/EARLY 90’S, HAD A SUPER NINTENDO AND WERE/ARE LOSERS LIKE ME - The Street Fighter 2 soundboard. Now feel like you’re going to BRA-ZIL! whenever you want. it’s so friggin’ cool. You’re welcome.
Just curious...according to Forbes, which city has 3 of the Top 10 fanbases in the MFUSA? Sure it’s a magazine I don’t read and all (like I read!), but still, 30% of the Top 10 fanbases (Spoiler Alert - keep at it, Bruins fans! Let’s go for 4 outta ten next season.) Yankees fans didn’t even crack the Top 10. That’s because Yankees Fans Suck.
Don’t forget to tune in for a retahded sorts chat with Bax & O’Brien, Thursday Aug 5th at 8 in the AM on Rock 102 FM (rock102.com for you “radio on the web").
GFY, welcome Shaq, and let’s go Sox!
And for reading this far here’s your “let’s end on a video of a dumbass getting hit by an ice cream truck” reward...
...as well as that picture of Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel into battle against Nazis that none of you asked me about. So enjoy.
That’s the only way I know how to describe this dude Chris DeRoy’s stuff. It’s friggin’ fantastic. I love shit..excuse me...STUFF like this, in this style. But when you do it for TFB, White Wes, Papi & other Boston sports favorites and legends, well, I get a little excited.
You can see this and not get excited or wanna run out and by one HOW?
You might know Chirs as the guy who does the great Toucher & Rich cast picture over at The Sports Hub. Good shit. Check out his stuff on Facebook. He doesn’t have a website yet...so email him and tell him to get the show on the road (kudos to the Boston Sports Then & Now humps for the tip-off here.) It is “wicked awesome Boston sports art” indeed.
Oh, and if you wanna buy Chris can be reached at - (considering he doesn’t seem to have awebsite I’m surprised you don’t have to page him or call an operator to place an order.)
That hot waft of awesome that came by your nose this morning? Kinda smelled like the first scent off a freshly-lit bbq grill, with just some light hints of pigskin and beer? Yup, that was the start of Patriots Training Camp 2010. That means meaningful football’s not too far off, and shitty pretend football (which I’ll still take) is very close. Of course when we start getting excited about football in July and wishing it was Kickoff Weekend already, we’re wishing away the 2nd half off the summer. But I’ve already sweat my balls off enough this summer. Trading part of summer for football season is a good deal any which way you look at it.
So, there are about 9.5 million questions, concerns, stories and AFI’s (areas of fahkin’ interest) about this team. Welker, Mankins, TFB’s contract, the rookies galore, this possibly being Mossman’s Patriots swansong? We can get into those later, or never, or whenever. That shit will work itself out. A story I found pretty friggin’ interesting on Day 1 was that Derrick Burgess did not show up because he’s considering retirement.“Oh no! Please don’t retire, Derrick. hat would we do without you and your 1 sack coming off the edge?” Those are not likely to be words heard from the Pats and/or any or many Pats fans. When a guy’s considering retirement, and it’s not someone coming off a boss season, then usually that means they know something’s up, or that the tank is empty, and it’s time to call it quits. It’s not like our version of Julius Peppers is just shocking everybody with this decision out of the Patriot blue. Burgess got old, FAST. Football’s a battle and a grind, and if he ain’t feeling it then for cripes’ sake, Patriots, please don’t talk a man who had little to no impact last season, out of retirement. Therefore, I’d like all of us to say hello and warmly embrace the most likely candidate for the OLB job (until Jermaine Cunningham takes his or Tully Banta Fodder’s job): Rob Ninkovich.
Pats OLB Rob Ninkovich gives a Bill Clinton-esque thumb up to the idea of getting to start for the Pats this season.
He gets my vote for “Most Likely To Imitate And Replace, But Only In The Literal But Not Metaphorical Or Awesomeness-Sense, Mike Vrabel” Award for 2010. Look at him. Glimpse quick enough and it looks like friggin’ ol’ Ready Willing and Vrabel himself. They even got him wearing Vrabel’s #! Shit, think Belichick misses vintage Vrabel and the versatility, stability and toughness that badass with a mustache brought? Hey, who knows - the Pats got Ninkovich for a nickel & dime. Maybe he can surprise people outta nowhere, kinda like a relatively then unheard Mike Vrabel did back in 2001? Ya’ never know. But don’t say I didn’t call it. Unless Ninkovich sucks pink footballs. Then don’t remind me.
...click here to see Blake Lively’s chestbombs popping out at Comic Con last weekend (these are the very same ladypillows that I suggested the Red Sox trade for as “motivation” for the stretch run)...
...and while we’re on the subject of Comic Con here’s a picture that reminds geeks, nerds, fanboys and Fitzys alike that even in your darkest hour, or after the most ball-breaking of losses for your favorite team, there will always be a reason to live...
Welcome friends to the Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft, where two Townie News contribuors, Kippah (of the “Kippah and Brades” comics), and new GFY pal and Townie News writer Dave Deeznuts, draft a complete fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of characters from baseball movies. To me it’s one of the ultimate drunken bar room bullshit conversations of all-time. We’ve all had a beer-soaked chat like this ("If Ricky Vaughn were in the actual Major League he’d be a top 5 closer today, hands-down!"), which is what lead these two indistinguished gentlemen to flesh it out fully and draft competing teams. It’s so brilliant it hurts, like brain freeze when you order a Wendy’s Frosty and you’re so psyched to get it you drink half of it at once.
The Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft: You Fahkin’ Know When It’s Real.
The draft has a few simple rules.
--You must pick a full positional roster along with 4 Pitchers (3 Starters, 1 Closer), a DH, Manager and mascot.
--You can not draft more than 2 players from any 1 movie.
--All players must be fictional...no real ballplayers (dead or alive).
And now, without further ado or other fancy words that mean hub-bub or bullshit, let’s get it on! The newest contributor, Dave Deeznuts, has the first pick.
Dave Deeznuts
1. Roy Hobbs - OF - The Natural
Well, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was.
As “Natural” as a first pick gets, Hobbs is simply the greatest fake hitter of all time. Missed over 95% of his career lamenting the sexing of a mysterious flapper he met on a train, so you know he’s fresh. A lefty slugger who can pitch in a pinch, at the plate he’s like Ted Williams if you replace the smug sense of entitlement and self satisfaction with a wisdom that oozes sentimental perspective. According to Pop, who was his agent or pimp, Hobbs threw seven no hitters in the Sabataw Valley league. Seven? So he was your basic Babe Ruth – Sandy Koufax combo. The man looking for the “one more day in the sun” plays through pain, and I’m not talking about a balky groin, or even Balki’s groin. I’m talking silver-bullet-in-the stomach pain. Bleeding through a wool shirt pain. A gamer, he even won over Wilford Brimley, and he was a bridge stanchion of a man. Bill Simmons estimated Hobbs’ stats for his season with the New York Knights would have been as follows:
G AB R H BB K HR RBI AVG OBP SLG
115 400 92 140 75 85 44 106 .350 .447 .750
A 1.197 OPS? Not even the evil Barbara Hershey or Joe Don Baker could stop that. With his dramatic destruction of various luminescence he’s done more damage to the green movement than Deep Horizon.
Note: I know the league weighed and checked Wonderboy but did they give the same attention to the Savoy Special? I love that awkward fat kid anyways.
One of baseball moviekind’s great unanswered questions: Whatever happened to Bobby Savoy?
Kippah:
2. Kelly Leak- OF- Bad News Bears
No matter who had first pick he was always #1 on my depth chart. Not only was he a feared hitter with no respect for authority…but he also smoked butts, rode a Harley, stole a Van, drove to Houston, reconnected with his father, and assisted in my all-time favorite sports movie moment, “LET THEM PLAY!” FYI Bad News Bears 3 in Japan never happened. You can build a team around Leak. He can take over a game on the field or at the plate and shows extreme loyalty to his Manager Morris Buttermaker…Example: When Buttermaker asks him to go after every ball in the California Little League semi-finals, Leak does so without hesitation (much to the chagrin of fellow outfielders Rudy Stein and Ahmed Abdul Rahim). Plain and simple, Leak wants to win and will do so by any means necessary.
