If you’re a fan of listening to or watching shit getting destroyed then you’ll go batty for Toucher & Rich’s “GRONK That TV!” This really might be the best new TV show out there.
Kudos, gentlemen. What a way to give away tickets. But hey...I thought “Wheel Of Fish” from the Weird Al classic “UHF” was high art and great entertainment, so what do I know right?
The task, or tasks, at hand are very simple; A.) Beat the Ravens Sunday, and 2.) Have all us crazy obsessed excited psyched superpumped fans make it to Sunday. ‘Cuz I gotta tell ya it’s Wednesday night, and that’s a tall order itself. I am doing everything possible under the sun to distract myself and keep busy/preoccupied/outta trouble until Sunday at 3 in the PM. And outside of working on videos, writing dumb shit, listening to the radio, and drinking beer (what makes this different from any other week?), it hasn’t been easy. But we’ve passed the hump ‘o the week, and soon the momentum will build steam like a Coors Light train and next thing we know it it’s Sunday. That said, if you’re like me and you need to waste another 3-4 minutes now then take a second to enjoy this amazing video; an all-movie quote version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. Yup...lyrically spot-on and all. I’ll see you in a few...
Oh Baltimore! Oh Ray Rice...Bernard Pollard...T-Sizzler...Ray Lewis...do we owe you guys, for so many reasons (Pollard especially...I want his left knee served postgame to TFB on a silver platter!). Last week’s game was SFS: So Fahkin’ Sweet - on so many levels. But gone is the time that we should be basking in the biblical beatdown. I don’t believe that game to be a fluke or aberration, nor do I think it what we should expect to see in any way shape or form. BUT, should you need to waste another coupla minutes before Sunday AND relive the highlights of Saturday night, well...here are all 6 of TFB’s TD’s...
And welcome back...again. For realzerpants, you best believe Baltimore’s chain gang of crab-ass thugs by the bay are gonna bring it, and then some, come Sunday. And it’s gonna be a battle. Terrell Suggs, he of the one-way war of words with TFB for years now, made sure to spend his time wisely Wednesday by arguing with that asshat Skip Bayles on ESPN 2 (instead of studying game film and planning, like we can be assured TFB was). I don’t care if T-Sizzler won AFC Defensive Player of the Year or not, the guy’s a pan-fried dick covered in mouthy douche sauce. Plus, it’s not like the Pats are surging and peaking at the right time. Or have any incentive. Or revenge on the mind. Or one of the best Qbs ever, and perhaps the best playing now (you know what you said, Ray-Ray & T-Sizzler!) Or a coach with menace and mayhem and madness on the mind. NOOO, not at all! How could anyone think as much?!?
Oh buddy, we’re home. They played for this. And they’re on a mission. And Baltimore is in the way. Time for them to get out the way. Everyone’s pumped! I’m jacked. You’re outta your shit. People like this unknown hotty are rocking the GRONK left and right.
It’s happenin’. And I’m ready. I just need to appropriately and judiciously piss away these next 3 and 1/2 days. Wait, I know how! How about we watch this GRONKtastic video of all of Gronk’s 2011 TD’s accompanied by the William Tell 1812 Overture. Yup, it’s ON.
Oh my jeezus cripes on crackerstix, this has got to stop. It’s madness, all the non-stop Tebowapaloozamaniahype. Check this video out, courtesy of the intrepid folks at Deadspin...it’s 160 mentions of Tebow in but 1 hour of SportsCenter. I SHIT YOU NOT (click link to view).
No shit, if you didn’t live in New England, or weren’t a Pats fan who checks blogs and the radio online from wherever the dick you live, then you would think Saturday night that Tebow Almighty is coming to play some ham ‘n egger QB and his ragtag shit squad in the playoffs, and that after Tebow parts the opposing D like the Red Sea and moves on, nobody will even remember this anonymous team he smote in the Divisional Round. HE’S PLAYING THE MUTHAFUCKIN PATRIOTS, people! Wait...first, shame on me for falling victim to the Tebow trap and talking more about him. But not really, becuase it’s leading me to a greater point. And that is...how much extra incentive, motivation and under-ass-fire do you guys wanna light for the Pats? They wanna shut everyone up about the D this year. They haven’t won a playoff game in 4 effin’ years. They’ve lost their last 2 games at home, including last year’s Divisional against the gaddam Jets. The D sucks..wonk wonk yadda blah-blah...and now the coverage is 24-7 Teblow? They’re gonna be so freakin’ fired up. TFB is already in his full-blown surly playoff mega-focus mode. But now, you add all this shit? Then the Pats get to be the motivational underdogs (even at 13 point favorites). And get to play the disrespected by the media card. Suffice it to fahkin’ say they should come out strong and start pretty fahkin’ fast Saturday night. And if not, and the trend of falling behind early continues, well...
I don’t need a reason to convince myself how the Pats should win, or why. But now there’s an extra WHY in the equation, that being the “America, please allow us to do you a favor and stop the Tebowtalk once and for all. It’s the least the Pats can do.” Maybe this will actually curry some favor with the American football masses who are envious and stupid and still play the lameball ‘SpyGate / 18-1” cards. Original AND clever! Well, if this doesn’t make people like or root for the Pats more then I couldn’t give 17 sailing shitpatties. I’m all in. You’re fahkin’ pumped and jacked like a shirtless Pete Carroll! It needs to be Saturday night NOW!
I’m ready now (“My cock’s ready now, Jack!”), but to fill ‘n kill before the game I guess we’ll just have to KEEP CALM AND BRADYC ON, blog it up and finish the videos we’re working on. Oh...and of course, it’s not a big Patriots rivalry game without a Bugsy Segal salute to our opponent.
I’m always skeptical of cover songs. Something’s gotta be catchy or waaay waaay out different about it, or maybe it’s a great artist covering a song you never expected. But when it’s the same artist who covers their own song and then changes the lyrics? Like Elton John for “Candle In The Wind”? OK, fine. I get it. A beloved worldwide figure and philanthropist and icon died. That was tragic. But John Parr, who I hadn’t heard from in ages and was totally fine with, covering his own hit, “St. Elmo’s Fire”, and mutating it into “Tebow’s Fire”? Out of nowhere? Jeezus, that made ME wanna get chased by the paparazzi, only to crash my car in a tunnel. Listen at your own risk, for there will be blood. Pouring from your ears.
So after watching / listening to a steaming pan-fried pile of shit like that, you know what I usually find a nice palate cleanser/refresher? Yup...some certified-fresh BRADY PORN.
Ah...now don’t we feel better? That’s more like it. Now...
We can never consume enough Pats goodness, especially when on the subject of DAS GRONK. If you wanna get to know Gronk, head to toe, bow to stern, up, down and all-around, read Jackie MacMullen’s awesome piece. Yes, indeed, it is good to be The Gronk.
And if I may, a brief aside from all the Pats/Broncos hoopnanny (that’s hooplah & hootnanny for you kids at home)...I’ve been asked dozens of times this week, “What do you think about the Jets disaster?” Umm...do you REALLY need to ask me that? Anytime anything bad happens to the Jets you shuld know that somewhere out there, probably near a beer or a pizza or a toilet, or all three, I’m smiling. That’s how it works; when bad things happen to Jets Fitzy & all jackass Pats fans smile. So this shitstorm, with the under bus-throwing of Sanchez and The Blame Game and more Rextastic blather from Jabba the Coach? COME ON! it’s nonstop earcandy. I’m Cheshire Cat-ing it 24/7, outside of the joy of thinking about the Pats kicking ass this weekend, no less. They’re a mess. It’s wonderful. and they have all the offseason they want and need to right the ship for next season...where they can underwhelm and let down their fans and anyone dumb enough to listen to Rex’s preDICKtions yet again. Now, if you will, enjoy this Bugsy Segal-styled pics sent in from GFY pal Joe Mazer out in the AZ that say all else that need be said. For now.
Few in football at Foxboro have seen the star shine brighter, faster, than the man-myth-legend that is Gronk. He’s a living icon and a walking idol. And in this interview he shares some insight as to how he thinks and why he is the Gronk that he is. If you weren’t already onboard The Gronk Express...
The juiced up, biblically ridiculous kind, as always we advise that all Pats fans...
All that every single jock, journalist & jackass can do all week, no matter their forum, is yip & yap 24/7 Tebowmania. And I understand. It moves the needle. It turns heads. It sells papers. And people don’t even buy newspapers anymore! The guy somehow does crazy things on the field, is a winner, a leader of men, and from the jaws of defeat, when the odds are stacked against his chips...blahblahblah...SEE! It’s that easy to get sucked into it! So eyes on the prize; a favorable match-up in the Division Round. At home. With a well-rested Pats team - Spikes, Chung & all - with a clear path to the AFC Championship. This is what we wanted. And we gots it, baby...it just happens to come with some significant biblical baggage is all.
JUST when we thought we’d seen the last of this nonsense...(thanks to Sheila Coffey for the pic, and Joel Dann for striking a pose for all Patriotskind)
But as much as we may not wanna deal with all the Tebowtalk again, think of it this way; his presence alone is distracting us from having to hear about the defense sucking like a Polaroid picture, or how we haven’t won a home playoff game, or any playoff game, in 4 years. Those would be the storylines this week. So we just have to let the media blow out their Tebowners yet again, and we get to fly under the radar and dream quietly of a Saturday night filled with first downs, GRONK spikes, endzone militia smoke, awkward Robert Kraft whiffed hi-5’s (still the best GIF ever)...PLUS, for being good, patient little Patriots boys & girls, we get a bonus gift of...ol’ Joshy Josh McD coming back to the house. Welcome back, Josh! Your slice of humble pie, as well as a copy of this week’s gameplan, are on your desk.
McDaniels brings so much back to the table that, whatever capacity he works in this week...offensive assistant, advisor, Burger King run coordinator...it’s gonna help. Billy O will have his focus and his eyes on the prize, no Penn State blurring his vision. But McDaniels knows TFB & Hoodie like he knows how to pick up a severance check outside Foxboro. And he also knows these guys, Tebow & Demaryius Thomas, pretty well, too. Something abut being the (short-termed) HC of the DB, I think. Whatevah, dood! Things seem lined up pretty fahkin’ sweetly for the Pats to go about biz, resist the parting of the Bullshit Sea with Tebowapalooza 2 all week, and then do their job. I’m not predicting a blowout or a no-brainah snoozefest. I bet it’l be a good game for a while. But if the Pats have ever had things align for some special scoring schemery...dood...
Oh, and a quick GFY to the Denver writer who pissed and moaned and definitely should have ordered some cheese with his whine yesterday about how the Pats broke the rules getting McDaniels back. Sorry guy, but there ain’t no rules against it, so no harm no foul go cry on your mommy’s towel. What a bitch! I prefer the thinking of one Jerry Thornton who opined (ok, maybe a bit heavy of a word there..uh, postured? OK, he wrote)...who WROTE that bringing back McDaniels is a slamduckaroo and everyone else can suck it. Well, that’s the gist of what he wrote.
Alright, I’m back to the lab to finish the first of at least 2 videos this week. In the interim enjoy this Toucher & Rich audio gem from Monday (it’s pretty fahkin’ pitch perfect), and as always...let’s go Pats, and GFY.
It’s a fact; LBDLLGFY (Lovely Beer Drinking Ladies Love GFY).
Damn, this video, just like this bloggage, is long overdue. Who’d have thought it would take almost a week after the regular season ended for someone to come up with some certified-fresh, Grade-A Gronk porn? Because if there’s anyone who had the highlights, who maintains our interest, who prompts the cheers, who is legend-in-making (just read on from Sunday’s Globe)...really, TFB is the god but Gronk is a Titan of the first order and has become such a fan favorite, such a national attraction, such an icon...wouldn’t surprise me if his bronze statue of him GRONKing out front of Gillette is erected before Brady’s (no sacrilege intended). Irregardless, enjoy this highlightacular...and look forward to more Pats pron coming this week, both from other Pats-friendly sources, as well as yours truly and Team Townie News videos.
The football this weekend is such a low dose of methadone to the sweet sweet hit of premium heroin that will be next Saturday night’s game. Sure, it’s classless to compare a Pats playoff game to a lethal, addictive drug...but isn’t that kinda what they are, especially to the obsessive ridiculous manchild types like us? Right...anyhoopers, I’ve been jonesing all week. And while it’s nice to watch this weekend, get some football in, gauge the potential opponents next Saturday (cough - PITT), I just am itching. I can’t wait. And I’m gonna go out on a limb now and say I think they win and win convincingly. I’ll detail why in coming days, but it’s more than just a fahkin’ hunch. Brady’s motivation and drive...Belichick’s focus...O’Brien’s want to prove himself, even after his new hire, and the return of Joshy McD (a total no-brainah of a slam dunk and a gift of a move, after Xmas and all)...things, even with ur melted cream cheese frosting D, are lining up. Don’t call me a Black Eyed Pea, but I got a feeling...
(LOLPATS pic in the house)
Hey, all the luck in the world, Billy O. Who knew shouting at TFB would get somebody a bigtime gig, albeit one almost as toxic as Fukushima, as Penn State? Sure, nobody wants to touch that with a 10-ft Sandusky, but go get ‘em, pal! And eff Lavar Arrington and his big mouth. You don’t need him and his support. And neither did I (wink-wink).
Alright...enjoy the rest of your consumption, viewing and pre-Pats-playoff posturing, peoples. It’s gonna be a HFW: huge fahkin’ week around these parts. Send us your pics of what’s going on and what you’re wearing of ours...GFYs always welcome...and watch ut for some sweetass videos. Yes, videoS. Plural. It’s the playoffs. This is what we do. it’s our job. We like to do our job.
Our boy Bugsy Segal helping Billy O’Brien take out the trash so he can fcus on his job before trying to resurrect PSU.
GFY and let’s go Pats!!!
GFY pal Nicole Corliss-Williams is ready. Are you?
FTFR: The “Holiday Taint” is the 1/2-way point between Xmas and New Year’s. So now you know, schmo.
Hey hey hey hey...look who got tired of being 4th fiddle in the Boston Sports orchestra and decided to make an end of year splash? Big Ben Cherington busting out his brass baseballs and trading for a closer. Excuse me, a STUD FAHKIN CLOSER. Andrew Bailey! [in still funny vintage Tenacious D Jack Black voice] FAHK and YEAH!!!
Damn! Gonna be nice to have a stud closer that doesn’t cost a fortune, AND this puts Mark Melanoma or Melancholy or Melodrama or whatever his name is in the 8th inning role. Which allows Bard to give starting a shot. And allows Bobby Jenks to be a fat load and waste of money. Shitpops on Sunday, I think the team is coming together! Nice way to end the year...you know the year that ended with...yeah.
Moving On...alright, Patspeoples...get your shoes, gloves and Lebowski shirts; we’re going Pro Bowlin’!
Happy to see these guys get their due. They’ve played their footballs off this year, and whether they play or not, and what kind of mood they’re in come mid-February (playoffs depending), they get to know they were recognized by fans, peers and pigskin people around. TFB, The Gronk & Welkah were the no-brainerest. Great to see Slater get the Izzo-nod, special teaming his way to Hawaii. I have to say I feel badly (well, it’s a relative “badly") for Hernando, who is quickly becoming a Top 5 NFL tight end, yet sorta was covered by The Shadow of The Gronk. It happens...but he’s still certified badass.
The first holiday delight brought around by the Patriots was obviously their big fat fahkin’ comeback win. I was about ready to tape myself to the TV, wrap myself in Christmas lights and dive off the roof after that 1st half. But what a turnaround...sparked by what was suposed to have been the nastiest, filthiest, angriest, NSFW-est Belichick halftime speech of all-time. Oh to have been a fly on that wall. I’d out that on my list of things in history I wish I was a part of...right alongside buying stock in Apple 30 years ago. But the win was nice...and now we get to down hangover Bloody Marys and watch the Pats play Buffalo on New Year’s Day for the #1 seed. Helluva way to kick off the New Beer. Year. Whatever.
Another holiday delight was all the pics people sent in of the joy brought about by giving and receiving some Townie merch. Knowing that THE GRONK, THE BRADY & KEEP CALM AND BRADY ON brought such joy to the good little boys and girls of Patriots Nation makes ol’ Fitzy Claus feel good...almost as good as ice cream & an HJ. Almost. Anyway, a few faves include Chris Chant getting a three-pack of TowniePats goodness. A championship-caliber haul. And just look at he child-like wonderment in his eyes!
Then there’s Alicia Harvey, who proves hot chicks love hockey, Tim thomas and Townie merch, in any order. YOWZA!
And then there’s the delightful Sheila Coffey, who took her GRONK to the game, and then found a Giant Pink Gronkowski (rare the species may be) in the concourse. How exciting!
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