The Townie News Ultimate Fantasy Baseball Movie Character Draft
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Welcome friends to the Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft, where two Townie News contribuors, Kippah (of the “Kippah and Brades” comics), and new GFY pal and Townie News writer Dave Deeznuts, draft a complete fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of characters from baseball movies. To me it’s one of the ultimate drunken bar room bullshit conversations of all-time. We’ve all had a beer-soaked chat like this ("If Ricky Vaughn were in the actual Major League he’d be a top 5 closer today, hands-down!"), which is what lead these two indistinguished gentlemen to flesh it out fully and draft competing teams. It’s so brilliant it hurts, like brain freeze when you order a Wendy’s Frosty and you’re so psyched to get it you drink half of it at once.
The Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft: You Fahkin’ Know When It’s Real.
The draft has a few simple rules.
--You must pick a full positional roster along with 4 Pitchers (3 Starters, 1 Closer), a DH, Manager and mascot.
--You can not draft more than 2 players from any 1 movie.
--All players must be fictional...no real ballplayers (dead or alive).
And now, without further ado or other fancy words that mean hub-bub or bullshit, let’s get it on! The newest contributor, Dave Deeznuts, has the first pick.
Dave Deeznuts
1. Roy Hobbs - OF - The Natural
Well, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was.
As “Natural” as a first pick gets, Hobbs is simply the greatest fake hitter of all time. Missed over 95% of his career lamenting the sexing of a mysterious flapper he met on a train, so you know he’s fresh. A lefty slugger who can pitch in a pinch, at the plate he’s like Ted Williams if you replace the smug sense of entitlement and self satisfaction with a wisdom that oozes sentimental perspective. According to Pop, who was his agent or pimp, Hobbs threw seven no hitters in the Sabataw Valley league. Seven? So he was your basic Babe Ruth – Sandy Koufax combo. The man looking for the “one more day in the sun” plays through pain, and I’m not talking about a balky groin, or even Balki’s groin. I’m talking silver-bullet-in-the stomach pain. Bleeding through a wool shirt pain. A gamer, he even won over Wilford Brimley, and he was a bridge stanchion of a man. Bill Simmons estimated Hobbs’ stats for his season with the New York Knights would have been as follows:
G AB R H BB K HR RBI AVG OBP SLG
115 400 92 140 75 85 44 106 .350 .447 .750
A 1.197 OPS? Not even the evil Barbara Hershey or Joe Don Baker could stop that. With his dramatic destruction of various luminescence he’s done more damage to the green movement than Deep Horizon.
Note: I know the league weighed and checked Wonderboy but did they give the same attention to the Savoy Special? I love that awkward fat kid anyways.
One of baseball moviekind’s great unanswered questions: Whatever happened to Bobby Savoy?
Kippah:
2. Kelly Leak- OF- Bad News Bears
No matter who had first pick he was always #1 on my depth chart. Not only was he a feared hitter with no respect for authority…but he also smoked butts, rode a Harley, stole a Van, drove to Houston, reconnected with his father, and assisted in my all-time favorite sports movie moment, “LET THEM PLAY!” FYI Bad News Bears 3 in Japan never happened. You can build a team around Leak. He can take over a game on the field or at the plate and shows extreme loyalty to his Manager Morris Buttermaker…Example: When Buttermaker asks him to go after every ball in the California Little League semi-finals, Leak does so without hesitation (much to the chagrin of fellow outfielders Rudy Stein and Ahmed Abdul Rahim). Plain and simple, Leak wants to win and will do so by any means necessary.
