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The Townie News Ultimate Fantasy Baseball Movie Character Draft

Posted by Fitzy on 07/06/10 at 08:09 AM • Comments (6)Permalink
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Welcome friends to the Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft, where two Townie News contribuors, Kippah (of the “Kippah and Brades” comics), and new GFY pal and Townie News writer Dave Deeznuts, draft a complete fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of characters from baseball movies.  To me it’s one of the ultimate drunken bar room bullshit conversations of all-time.  We’ve all had a beer-soaked chat like this ("If Ricky Vaughn were in the actual Major League he’d be a top 5 closer today, hands-down!"), which is what lead these two indistinguished gentlemen to flesh it out fully and draft competing teams.  It’s so brilliant it hurts, like brain freeze when you order a Wendy’s Frosty and you’re so psyched to get it you drink half of it at once.

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The Townie News Fantasy Movie Character Baseball Draft: You Fahkin’ Know When It’s Real.

The draft has a few simple rules.

--You must pick a full positional roster along with 4 Pitchers (3 Starters, 1 Closer), a DH, Manager and mascot.

--You can not draft more than 2 players from any 1 movie.

--All players must be fictional...no real ballplayers (dead or alive).

And now, without further ado or other fancy words that mean hub-bub or bullshit, let’s get it on!  The newest contributor, Dave Deeznuts, has the first pick.

Dave Deeznuts

1.  Roy Hobbs - OF - The Natural


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Well, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was.

As “Natural” as a first pick gets, Hobbs is simply the greatest fake hitter of all time.  Missed over 95% of his career lamenting the sexing of a mysterious flapper he met on a train, so you know he’s fresh.  A lefty slugger who can pitch in a pinch, at the plate he’s like Ted Williams if you replace the smug sense of entitlement and self satisfaction with a wisdom that oozes sentimental perspective.  According to Pop, who was his agent or pimp, Hobbs threw seven no hitters in the Sabataw Valley league. Seven?  So he was your basic Babe Ruth – Sandy Koufax combo.  The man looking for the “one more day in the sun” plays through pain, and I’m not talking about a balky groin, or even Balki’s groin.  I’m talking silver-bullet-in-the stomach pain.  Bleeding through a wool shirt pain.  A gamer, he even won over Wilford Brimley, and he was a bridge stanchion of a man. Bill Simmons estimated Hobbs’ stats for his season with the New York Knights would have been as follows:

G    AB   R    H    BB  K    HR  RBI   AVG   OBP   SLG

115 400   92 140  75   85   44   106 .350 .447 .750

A 1.197 OPS?  Not even the evil Barbara Hershey or Joe Don Baker could stop that.  With his dramatic destruction of various luminescence he’s done more damage to the green movement than Deep Horizon. 

Note:  I know the league weighed and checked Wonderboy but did they give the same attention to the Savoy Special?  I love that awkward fat kid anyways.

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One of baseball moviekind’s great unanswered questions: Whatever happened to Bobby Savoy?

Kippah:

2. Kelly Leak- OF- Bad News Bears

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No matter who had first pick he was always #1 on my depth chart.  Not only was he a feared hitter with no respect for authority…but he also smoked butts, rode a Harley, stole a Van, drove to Houston, reconnected with his father, and assisted in my all-time favorite sports movie moment, “LET THEM PLAY!” FYI Bad News Bears 3 in Japan never happened.  You can build a team around Leak.  He can take over a game on the field or at the plate and shows extreme loyalty to his Manager Morris Buttermaker…Example: When Buttermaker asks him to go after every ball in the California Little League semi-finals, Leak does so without hesitation (much to the chagrin of fellow outfielders Rudy Stein and Ahmed Abdul Rahim).  Plain and simple, Leak wants to win and will do so by any means necessary.

Kippah & Brades: Sleepovers Totally Rule!

Posted by Fitzy on 05/25/10 at 12:00 PM • Comments (0)Permalink
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Kippah And Brades: Crashing The SupahFans Store!

Posted by Fitzy on 05/15/10 at 01:27 PM • Comments (2)Permalink
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Kippah And Brades Go To The Boston Sports Blogapalooza!

Posted by Fitzy on 04/27/10 at 09:29 PM • Comments (4)Permalink
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Blogapalooza Final 2

Calling All Supahfans…

Posted by Fitzy on 03/29/10 at 05:12 PM • Comments (0)Permalink
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Hey Doods and Doodettes, this Saturday it’s pahtee time!

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That’s right - Coach Kev and the folks at Supahfans.com have finally opened a store, right around the corner from Fenway.  And this Saturday he’s having a grand opening celebration, complete with free beers, t-shirt giveaways, strippers, flamethrowers, juggling cats, a time machine and absolutely NONE of what I just said.  Except the t-shirt giveaways.  BUT, they will have some local celebs popping in and out all day.  You can meet Kippah and Brades and have your picture taken with Brades himself.  I’ll be there from around 4pm to 530pm, so a “Hi!”, “You’re that NESN guy!” or a “Hey, you, GFY!” will all be in order.  You can stock up on cool new stuff for the season.  We can start a storewide “Yankees Suck!” chant.  And afterwards let’s go over to The Baseball Tavern for a coupla frosties, a raffle giveaway and the final night of preseason merriment before Opening Night.  It’s a chance to hang, shop, bullshit around, then have some beers, scout some talent and come up with more reasons why we think the Skanks are gonna eat the big one this year.

See you Saturday...or else!*







*Or else nothing.  But you already knew that.

Kippah And Brades: A Little Wii Time

Posted by Fitzy on 03/02/10 at 04:00 PM • Comments (0)Permalink
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Inglourious Kippah And Brades

Posted by Fitzy on 10/05/09 at 03:26 PM • Comments (7)Permalink
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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: “Fuck It, Season’s Over”

Posted by Fitzy on 09/23/09 at 10:04 PM • Comments (77)Permalink
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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: “Fuck It, Season’s Over”

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Tom Brady, the self-proclaimed world’s biggest loser, asks, “What’s the point of playing anymore?”

by Popular Opinion
Special To Townie News

September 23, 2009
Foxboro/Boston/Wherever

In a move that should come as a shock to nobody, especially the growing legions of doubters and haters, the New England Patriots, at once the consensus pre-season favorite to win Super Bowl 44, have to decided to give up on their season just 2 games in.

“Yeah, it’s a wash.  Us cockgobblers?  We’re done here.” said left tackle Matt Light, still carrying that trademark Patriots dejection following the team’s difficult 16-9 loss to the rival Jets at the Meadowlands.  “Let’s face it, we suck out loud.  Team’s a total waste of time on the whole.  We’re one second year cornerback fumble away from being 0-2.  So that’s us, a lucky bunch of pricks who figure it best to listen to the masses and prognosticators who have never suited up for a game and cash in now before further embarrassment.”

Light was not the only one to be less than, well, light of heart hen describing the three-time Super Bowl champs’ about-face.  Said Pro Bowl D-lineman Ty Warren, “We’re not living up to anyone’s expectations two games in, so obviously we suck it full force.  May as well just punt on the season, play out the string and look forward to next year, or a career outside football.  Or staying home and eating Pop-Tarts and watching internet porn.  Just not this shitstorm.” Warren turned to exit then punctuated, “I’ll tell ya’, Richard Seymour is the lucky one out in Oakland.  My toilet brownies this morning looked better than our effort to date on the season.”

Kippah And Brades: Portrait of an Artist

Posted by Fitzy on 08/02/09 at 03:17 PM • Comments (2)Permalink
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Kippah & Brades: Where Art Thou, Brades?

Posted by Fitzy on 05/30/09 at 03:25 PM • Comments (2)Permalink
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