So if you do the math, which is a lot for me to ask any of you bums to do on a Hangover Monday, that means 66.7% of the Pats wins this year have come with a season-ending injury to a starter. It's getting ree-fahkin-dickulous, and I'm officially pissed. Like "someone stole my beer/my taxes got screwed up and now I owe the government money" kinda pissed. And who can you take it out on, besides (hopefully) the Jets this Thursday? Cripes, I mean I thought the football gods got their revenge with the badger bite to the ballsack that was the Super Bowl 42 loss. But this sucks! Fahk them and fahk this! Someone make it stop!
We shall continue to punish you New England players and fans for your crimes of SpyGatery until such time as we see fit. So there, suck on that shit, Pats people!
Greetings townies and townie-wannabes. After a couple weeks mourning the end of a sweet-and-sour Sox season I’m back to the blogosphere with a new weekly gimmick, an NFL picks column that will hopefully fill the dual-purpose of satisfying your unending need for new time-wasting internet nonsense now that the election’s over, and serving as an outlet for my overconfidence after a hot streak the last few weeks in my internet pick ‘em leagues that’s left me 72-53-5 against the spread so far this year (thus relieving the pressure that could lead me to bet actual money on these games just as I start regressing to the mean). So, without further adieu, here are the picks with home teams in bold
Denver (+3) over Cleveland
The worst passing defense in recent memory. A coach nicknamed Cromeo, who actually had to devote time this week to convincing the press that he makes decisions about who’s starting, not the fans. (His other nickname? Lil Romeo.) One starting quarterback has 8 career passing attempts. The other, according to my buddy Lindsay, hails from the lost tribe of Ugly-Baldwins. Who the hell knows. Take the points.
Former barely-legal Pats cheerleader Caitlin Davis seen here working on her Sharpie technique. What a nitwit.
Well, there goes everyone's favorite Pats cheerlita (cheerleader + Lolita). If you haven't read about what Caitlin Davis did to her friend's face, and why she got Das Boot from the team, well, you should (thanks to WithLeather on this shit). This goes back to Fitzy's Online Rule #35: When you do something funny that's wrong don't fahkin' put pictures of it on Facebook, especially when you work for the Patriots!
Also for what it's worth I'd like to let Caitlin know that Townie News and Team Fitzy happen to have openings for a Sharpie Artist as well as an Official Cheerleader, so Caitlin, you've know, if you get this...lord knows you've got time on your hands now. And probably some purple Sharpie marks.
Oh no! My drop of a potential game-winning touchdown in a big game in Indianapolis has me labeled the New Reche Caldwell. This fahkin' sucks it!
There is no need to belabor the point this morning. No need for the Armchair Quarterback to suit up. No need for all the sports talk radio callers to get their wonk on. It's pretty simple: the Pats had this game, and they lost it. It's not so much that the Colts won than the Pats lost. They had the plan. They put the people, and the ball, where they wanted it. And they just kinda blew it.
Kinda came down to a few key plays. Indy made their big field goal (Eff You, Benedictieri!), nailed their two-point conversion (even with a rattle your balls off the couch hit from Meriweather on Wayne). The Pats missed on their two-point conversion. David Thomas made an incredibly stupid penalty, knocking the Pats out of field goal or potential game-winning drive range. And Jabar Dropney just screwed the pooch and shit the bed on that perfectly thrown ball from Matt Passel. Dudes and dudettes, even TFB might not have been able to throw a better pass.
No, seriously, Gaffney, how the fahk did you drop that pass???!!!
Show your Patriots support and tell Seyton what you really think of him with the Fitzy-approved, 100% GFY-certified Seyton Manning t-shirt from Townie News. Each shirt is made from stuff, has ink sprayed on it in a funny design, and is sure to make people who watch, like or know football laugh. Even some Colts fans! (Yup, some of you have emailed me and told me you hate the Pats and love the shirt, you know who you are!)
Just go to the MERCHANDISE section of the site (you can't miss it - it's the section clearly labeled MERCHANDISE about here on the masthead - if you can't find it or don't what a masthead is, well, we're in a shitload of trouble). Buy a few - Wednesday's pretty much the last day you can order one and have a better than 51% chance of getting it in time for Sunday's showdown at Seyton's new Shithole.
I'd also recommend you order yourself a White Wes Welker shirt while you're at it, but if the asstacular economy has you by the short and curlies then get your Seyton on ASAMFP!
